Seems like a few more guys are interested in telling their journey of discernment and life with the Capuchin friars. I think it's important, especially in a digital world, for discerning people to share their story. I remember when i had a lot of questions, concerns, and even fears about leaving my old life and doing something so different. Hopefully you'll find their stories as enlightening as you've found mine.

It was 1995 when I last stepped into a classroom, expecting to receive a grade. For the past few months I've been excited for this chance to learn at a higher institution. Now that I'm here, with all the reservations and complications that I bring with me, I find that it is something still new; the first day of school notwithstanding.

47 days left of Novitiate. Some of us have eagerly been counting since the winter. This Memorial Day weekend made it even more apparent that our year is almost over; soon we return to our respective provinces to take First Vows.

So like most terms, there's a desire to "check out." In high school we called it "Senior-itis." The year's almost done; we're almost out of here; let's just coast the rest of the way.

But is that the best way to spend the most unique year of my life?

Mental prayer is a big part of Capuchin life. It's an important time for me to spent time with God in a manner that best fits me. Sometimes I pray the rosary or other devotions, sometimes I sit in silence and try to be open to what the Spirit is telling me. Sometimes I write and end up posting the composite here online. Regardless of how I pray, the time is always beneficial and is usually focused on good thoughts and ideas for the future.

Sometimes, however, those thoughts are shadowed by others...making mental prayer a disturbing or even torturous time.

Part of any formation is the ability to look at oneself and discuss your journey to those given the task of "guiding" your formation process. Taking the time to look at personal growth, areas for improvement, excitement or challenges that you forsee in the future, and even how your personal health is - all of these things are important for you as well as your formators to know as you work your way through discerning a religious vocation.

 

This week we begin the task of writing our 1st Self Evaluation. I've written evaluations before during Postulancy, so I am familiar with the process. But being familiar is a lot different from being easy.

 

I started writing my evaluation Sunday afternoon, as I was juggling the soccer ball up in the grotto. Soccer (when I'm by myself) has become a way for me to collect my thoughts, be alone as I ponder questions and sometimes blog topics. Developing this "skill," I took the opportunity to read the recommended questions by the formation staff and reflect on how I would answer.

 

They don't make the questions flippant or ambiguous...and for good reason. Here are a few of the questions I am encouraged to talk about in my Self Evaluation, even though there is no set form on how I am to write it:

• Do you feel at home here in Novitiate now? What incident(s) occurred during your first few months here to make you feel that way?
• How are you adapting to community life? Do you find the you spend plenty of time with community in prayer, work, and recreation? 
• How is your prayer life? Do you feel that you have the tools and the time to make use of your time for prayer? What experiences make you feel this way?
• How is your ministry affecting your time here? Are you fed by ministry or do you find it draining? 
• Do you feel you are ready to live the vows of celibacy, obedience, and poverty? Which vow will be the easiest in your eyes, and which will be the hardest? What challenges do you forsee for yourself in these areas?
• Do you feel you are being drawn towards a Capuchin lifestyle of community?

Like I mentioned before, I technically  have it all written out...in my head. I need to find the time to sit down in front of a computer and actually write out my thoughts, reflections, and evaluation of myself. Sometimes we can look at ourselves and think we've got it all figured out...even something as crazy as this. The true test of self-reflection is when you finish the product, hit the print button (or look back at what you wrote, for all the old-school journalers out there) and feel that you're being honest to yourself.

Because quite simply, if I can't be honest to myself, how should I expect to be honest to my formators, my vocation, and ultimately to my God?

After seeing a video on Rhonda's blog at Chew Life with Your Mouth Closed of the Investiture of the Novice class, I was struck by the differences between their reception as Novices as opposed to ours. While at one time I was discerning a vocation with the friars of the St. Albert province, I look back and wonder how I would have ever made it as a Dominican. I am thoroughly not a theologian, I prefer to get my hands dirty than turn pages, and the commitment to poverty and community are two of the greatest reasons in choosing the Capuchins as a religious vocation.

This is not to say that I am trashing the Order of Preachers. My time spent with them was of great benefit; they're also a good group of guys. The visit to their "Come and See" Weekend a few years ago gave me a first-hand look at how community was lived. After that experience, I never considered a Diocesan life again. Yet while I was enamoured with their sense of fraternity, I recognized that strength and desires lead me more towards direct assistance and social assistance. While the Dominican friars are present to the needs of the poor and marginalized, I realized that a charism of fraternity spoke to me more than the Dominican charism of knowledge.

Great and small, there are many reasons why chose to be a Capuchin versus a Dominican (assuming they would've even accepted me!) But the connection to their community still remains. Being inspired to look at the website for the St. Albert province, I recognized one of their novices as being from Grand Rapids, a guy I remember meeting during my "flirtation period" with the O.P.'s. We rode in tandum to St. Louis to visit the post-novitiate friary, and kind of parted company after that. My hopes and prayers are with him and his classmates as they go through their Novitiate year.

I thank the Dominicans of the St. Albert province for their help in my discernment. However after seeing the intelligence and poise of their Order, and comparing it to the uniqueness of the Capuchins, I know I am in the right place.

2008-2009 Novitiate Class of the Order of Preachers, St. Albert's Province

2008-2009 Novitiate Class of Friars Minor Capuchin, North American & Pacific Capuchin Conference

w. Novice Director & Staff (Six novices not shown here)

If you happen to read this, Scott, I hope you've gotten better at waking up in the morning. Peace!

As I continue to re-issue posts from my first blog, an attempt before creating my current blog at http://vocationstory.blogspot.com (Pardon the gross self-promotion), I want to share an old prayer of discernment I'd written.

I was rather shocked at how much this spontaneous prayer sounded like the famous prayer of Thomas Merton. I had no clue who Thomas was or about his journey; I would have started reading his works immediately if I knew how much of his life pertained to my current way of thinking.

The post also provides a brief understanding of the importance of prayer. Sometimes we feel it’s hard to talk to God. How do we find the words to say what we truly mean?

There’s many different ways of praying...the hardest part is often making the time and the commitment. Even before knowing about the Divine Office, Lexio Divina, or the other numerous forms of prayer, I was able to use prayer as a reminder of my vocation – in hopes that I would keep this journey at the forefront of my mind.

Peace and all good, -V

Lord,

I am searching. I have heard your call; let me understand your plan for me so I can follow your way. I am so confused at this point, dear Lord. Help me have the patience to wait for your plan to become clear to me. Give me the strength to live in your footsteps, and grant me the courage to act when you plan is finally revealed to me...regardless of wherever it is.

Amen.

Something I’ve started since discerning is the ritual of prayer. It’s been a looong time since I’ve taken the time to talk to God, yet I’ve restarted the practice – in the morning and evening. I was late for work today, but even in my rush to get to work I took time to stop and pray...simply asking for God to reveal His plan for me and for the strength I so need in this hard time of my life.

The nature of prayer is honestly still a mystery to me. Sometimes prayer feels fulfilling, even inspiring. Other times I wonder if I’m praying to some Divine Answering Machine (begin your intentions after the beep).I don’t know if there’s a way I’m supposed to talk to God, or if depends on the situation.

In spite of the confusion, I still feel it is beneficial. I might only have started just recently, but it gives me a sense of peace and reminds me of my ultimate goal each day. I’m sure there are prayer books and structured methods to pray, however I’m not familiar with any of them, nor do I have any of those books. If all else fails, I still have my rosary.

I just hope I wake up with enough time tomorrow!

In hopes that I can continue to provide blogs while having limited access on the internet, I've decided to re-issue some of my first-ever blogs. These were written 2 and a half years ago - soon after having my "God moment" where I first felt called to a vocation. They show the confusion, the joy, and the fear I felt about how my life was about to change.

Looking back at these remind me of how I felt at first. At times, that innocence and confusion is lost in all the prayer, liturgy, theology, and ministry. It is snapshots like these that help remind me of the long journey I've taken to get this far, and how I still have so far to go. -V

I had hoped that by keeping busy and avoiding the topic, I would simply forget about the possibilities and the questions that my future now held in store for me. I wanted someone to tell me it was just a mid-life crisis, or even an exotic hobby – like skydiving.

Today I woke up with the thought of serving God at the forefront of my mind. In the last two months I’ve tried to forget this “call” that I’ve received. In fact, I really haven’t done much to respond. There’s a part of me that’s scared of what I may learn about myself…scared about how I will have to change and what I may become. Maybe I’m not ready to commit 100%. Or maybe I’m just not ready to give up control.

But last night, when I was in bed and Girlfriend was still on the computer, I thought about the lie I was living. She’s convinced this is all an elaborate scheme to get rid of her and her daughter; she refuses to believe otherwise…in spite of what I’ve tried to tell her about this unique experience I’ve had.

In a way, she’s right. Have I really changed my life since I’ve started “discerning” this Great Plan that I feel I’ve discovered? Have I sought reconciliation for my sins against others? Have I made more time for church? What do I even know about my faith? I’ve only opened the Bible a few times in the 2 months since this feeling started. How could someone as horrible as me actually have a calling to ANY religious vocation…much less the priesthood? Of course she thinks I’m lying!

And so today I must ask myself: If I truly want to serve God in whatever fashion He’s decided to call me, if I truly am going to open my heart and be open to whatever this journey may lead..am I willing to do it to appease others, to prove to Girlfriend that I’m not a lair, or am I willing to walk this path simply because I’ve had a unique and awe-inspiring moment with God? I’ve spent a lifetime trying to live up to other’s expectations; am I willing to do this for God and myself alone?

My only connection to my faith these past few years has been Lent. A few years ago I gave up smoking. I figured if Jesus could do 40 days in the desert, I could do 40 days without a Marlboro. Last year I gave up Monster Energy Drinks. Today I’ve made a commitment for a month to give up computer games. I know I could give up bigger things, however the time I waste could be better used for research, prayer, or concerning myself with the future…one that is no longer clear.

Tonight when I get home, I will talk to Girlfriend about what I am doing. I’m sure she’ll be surprised. She’ll ask why. And I’m going to have to explain that this is not a joke, nor is it a plan to get out of the relationship. I realize us living together is far from the “ideal Christian living situation,” but I just want to be sure. Can I be sure? Will I ever be sure? Perhaps not. But before dropping everything in my life and pursuing some wild idea of becoming a priest, I have to know more.

Whoever said “Let go, and let God” never had as big a handful as I do right now.

Have you asked young men and women in your parish if they've considered the possibility of religious life? A new video put out by my province asks that question of everyone: if we can foster religious vocations simply by asking if somoene's ever considered that possibility, why don't we do it more often?

Here is the video as found on YouTube. Why am I not in the video as much as the rest of my fellow postulants? I was struck with a horrible cold at the time and wasn't able to participate in this video. I have enough press about me already...time to share the glory!

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with today's blog entry. My postulant brother is a tool; I just wanted to share that with everyone on the internet. =)

The pic does reflect the sense of comfort we've gotten from being here in Milwaukee these past 7 months. It is only within the past few weeks that I've really started to reflect on how this time will soon come to an end.

Friday I spoke with two guests about how I'd soon be leaving for Pre-Novitiate and then Novitiate. They were clearly upset that I would be leaving soon after having only been there for half a year. While I didn't say it, part of me knows I will miss them as well.

In spite of the time winding down, I don't feel that I'm winding down at all in my ministry. I've already started planning events for 2010 when I'll be in another state. I've got people asking me to come speak at events they are holding later on in the year. And within the past week, I've bought about 5 new books for education and reflection.

I knew that the initial formation would be tough to handle, especially with all the moving. However I already miss my ministry at St. Ben's, and I haven't even left yet. Part of me has already considered postponing studies in Divinity so I could return to St. Ben's sooner, even if I do so only as a professed lay brother.

These next few weeks will be tough. I pray for strength, guidance, and wisdom.

I've talked several times about my ex-girlfriend's daughter, and how that relationship has been one of the hardest for me to deal with in choosing this life. Some days are better than others, and lately I've learned to forget about the decision to leave her and her mother.

It's been over a month since I sent her an email, and I've still heard nothing. I think I've resigned to the fact that there are two (more) women in this world who want nothing to do with me. I'd really hoped to hear something. It would have made a great post to write about; it would have been something far more special to me than another post. However if this is how things will be, then she will be my greatest sacrifice in choosing religious life.

As usual, there are songs that stir my mind. John Mayer's song Daughters came out when we were all still a family, and the song made me feel good about trying to be a surrogate father. While looking for new songs to play on guitar, I crossed this song again today.

This time, it had a much different feeling and message for me.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world.
But she's just like a maze
Where all of her walls are continually changed.

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand.
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers that turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Ooh? See that skin
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left - cleaning up the mess he made.

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Boys you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone with warmth from
A woman's good, good heart.

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

For the second time we joined the Chicago community (post-novices) in a day of recollection that's done away from our friaries. The purpose of these days is to take time to really look back on our lives and prepare for the current season. It's also an opportunity for the two communities, both dealing with men in Capuchin formation, to get together and have a good time.

The day is spent mostly in personal reflection, with a speaker who gives us things for us to think about during this time. Some choose to walk outdoors, some read scripture or a book on spirituality. I actually spent most of the time in my room...sitting in the chair and staring at the wall as I was completely lost in contemplation.

We were blessed to have Shelly Roder, director of our Cap Corps program, give the talk in the morning. Shelly has completed a number of accomplishments in her lifetime. She served as the director of the Gubbio Project in San Francisco in the tenderloin district and the St. Boniface homeless shelter. On top of all that, she is a great friend to many of us in the order. She was such a fixture of the community that the Chronicle did an article about her departure.

It was parts of her life that Shelly used for our day of recollection. "Stories" was the theme as she described the power, conviction, and reflection that is contained in each of our life stories. By looking at our lives we understand why we are where we are today. We remind ourselves of what is important when things get confusing. But most of all, our stories are how we show the power of God in our lives.

Shelly used two stories from her life. One was from her time in the Dominican Republic where she served as a volunteer during college. She described the time in a way only a skilled storyteller could. She also talked about her time in San Francisco, about how her family reacted to her changing life, and how she uses those times in her life to help her "stay on track."

It was a wonderful time listening to her speak (even though she and her daughter were over for dinner the day before) and it gave us plenty to think about as we separated for our recollection. Mostly I thought about my life and the things I've written here in my corner of the internet, excerpts from a life trying to figure out exactly what I've been called to do.

There are times when I think I'm writing my memoirs early, so I don't have to do all this when I'm old. Or I think that someone maybe will see what I write and be inspired to live a life or experience a change in who they are because of something inspiring or marvelous I've written.

But the reality of why I do this is that it is therapy for me. It is a way that I can journal all of my feelings, emotions, actions, and questions about who I've become. I do this so at times, I can go back and look at who I was, what I used to think, and how that's changed. I can see the process of conversion.

One last thing that Shelly said really rang true with me. She said that telling our stories is scary. It's scary because what happens if you tell your story, the story that has brought all of the world into perspective for you, and no one cares? What if someone tells you you're wrong?

So the question to you, Dear Readers, is this: what is your story? What part of your life has been important in your formation? More importantly, would you be willing to tell that story?

Shelly Roder is the director of Cap Corps Mid-West, a post-graduate program for those wanting to participate in full-time volunteer work, either in the U.S. or internationally. For more info on Shelly or the Cap Corps program, go to www.capcorps.org.

In January, a video was made by our development office as a way to help promote vocations in our province. The concept of the video wasn't simply aimed at getting people interested in the Capuchins, rather getting people simply to ask the question: "Have you ever thought about religious life?"

This 5 minute video is part of a new push called The Vocation Project, a new way to reach out and continue to seek vocations to the Capuchin order.

One of the first things people might notice: I'm not in any of the videos. Well, you might not notice that; everything isn't always about me! The day that the camera crew came in to shoot the footage, I was in my room blogging about how sick I felt. Unfortunately I wasn't part of the footage.

Regardless of my presence, the video is wonderfully done. Enjoy.

P.S. Yes, we have an XBox 360 in the house. It was a Christmas gift to the community.

After a week-long discernment retreat, I decided to take a trip up to our boarding school St. Lawrence Seminary in Mt. Calvary, WI. I know I intended on writing more about my week of discernment, however a lot of it became extremely personal and introspective. I share a lot about my life here, however there are some things I choose to keep to myself.

I can tell you that the experience was beneficial, and it affirmed a lot of my feelings about where my life is headed. I can also tell you that I would have had a better experience had I gotten away and had time to reflect longer on the process.

As a way to reconnect with that sense of silence and retreat, I decided to spend the weekend at St. Lawrence. While it is a high school, I'll have access to a guest room where I'll be able to have a sense of quiet and relaxation from the "noises" here in Milwaukee. It will give me a chance to think, relax, and perhaps catch up on my blog posts.

It's also a chance for me to play some soccer with the students. I got to know most of the seniors as they came to St. Ben's for the Urban Plunge Event. Many of them are soccer players, and are nice enough to not make fun of me when I try to play with them. It's an opportunity to be a little bit competitive, and pretend I can still hang with the boys.

After this weekend, we'll start a week of Masculine Spirituality. We will be in Springfield, IL for the week. I can see sharing more about that retreat week than about my discernment week. Masculine Spirituality is an interesting subject, and I think it's something all guys need to take a look at.

So I wish everyone a good weekend. I can't guarantee the scheduling of my posts for the weekend, however I will try to keep everyone in the loop.

After making the turkey dinner on Sunday, we began our 5 day discernment retreat. The hook is that we didn't go to a retreat house, we are still going to our ministries, and we haven't secluded ourselves from the outside world. We are doing our retreat right here in the friary. It's an innovative concept born out of necessity rather than practicality.

The director of our retreat this week is Ignatius Fever, a Capuchin from the Canadian province. I've known Ignatius for almost a year now; he is a very intelligent, articulate, and insightful friar...in spite of his Canadian-ness. He's been a pleasure to have at the house, and he has a great sense of humor (especially with all the Canadian jokes we start throwing around)

The focus of this retreat is for discernment. As postulants, we are still in the process of discernment as what God might be telling us. Discernment can be wonderfully insightful or it can leave you wondering where God is in your live. Either way, it is an important part of any vocation, and as we journey on this path towards becoming Capuchin friars, it is an important part of our formation.

The main content of our discernment for this week will be our self-evaluations. I hadn't looked at my self-evaluation since I'd written it last month, so I had to hope I wasn't too critical of myself.

We got together after dinner Sunday evening, and Ignatius introduced himself and gave us the schedule for the next five days. This first session was not meant to be a long discussion, rather an invitation to begin looking inward at ourselves.

The aspect he wanted us each to focus on this first time was change. Specifically, what changes have we noticed in our lives since we've gotten here? What changes have we noticed from a year ago? Two years ago? Were these changes positive, negative, or both? What type of emotions did the changes evoke? The list of questions was long, but each question was designed for us to look at and reflect upon. We would discuss our answers together the next morning.

With my homework in hand, I grabbed a soda, my laundry, and my iPod. Once I got to my room, I got down to some serious discernment. I sat in silence (by silence, I mean with my iPod playing something like Santana, Cafe del Mar, or something soft and/or ambient) and centered myself. After feeling relax and clear in mind, I pulled out my self-evaluation and reread it. After that, I started to fold my laundry.

One of the odd facts I've learned about myself is that I do my best contemplative thought and reflection while cleaning. I hate cleaning and housework. I don't know if it's dramatic irony or poetic justice, I suppose my awareness of this unique link is proof enough that I've become more introspective over the past two years. So in spite of my desire to not clean, I decided it would be better for my discernment retreat if I just went ahead and did it anyway.

As always, I was deep in thought within the first few minutes. I started to count the changes in my life, and saw that I'd only mentioned 3 of my numerous changes in my self-evaluation. Other than money, personal relations, and spirituality, there are many smaller changes that I have made. Some of those changes took years to make; some have happened within the past month or so.

When I reflected on how my life changed, I realized that I was not at all happy with the person I was. I felt disgusted, even ashamed of who I was. In the second paragraph of St. Francis' Letter to the Faithful he writes: "We must hate our bodies with their vices and sins..." While some have taken this to refer to ascetic practices, the more commonly understood expression of this idea from St. Francis is that we are nothing when we focus solely on our personal gratification. It is with our love of the poor and humble Christ that we are worthy and have eternal life.

As I continued to think on this, I also recognized my distaste for my "old self," but for actions and tendencies that I see in others within the community that I used to see in myself. My time in community has been a little intense lately; the more I thought about this link, the more I understood that I did not want people to make the mistakes I once made in my life.

After an hour, I'd written down enough notes and thoughts to keep discussion going for quite some time Monday morning.

I'm very happy with how this program is going, and I will continue to keep you all updated with how my retreat is going. I had thoughts last night of making Ignatius' program available for people to use. I know reading doesn't bring the same experience as listening or interacting with a retreat director, so I can't pass on the exact experience. However I've started looking into doing a weekly podcast along with my blog for special events like this. It's still an idea, but it's something I'm excited about. We'll see how that goes, too.

Twice a year, there is a special ceremony I like to go through. It's completely for appearances, it's totally unnecessary, and it shows that I still treat some objects better than another human being! I'm speaking about my pride and joy: my electric guitar.

My Les Paul is the one item that reminds me of my old life. It's an object I wanted since I was in high school. Even when my mother could only able to afford to buy me a cheap Washburn beginner guitar, I loved it as if it were a '59 Custom with a cherry sunburst finish. In the evening, I'd listen to guys who could make their own Gibsons sing and cry in my headphones.

After deciding I wanted to live a more simplistic life, I remembered that desire from my youth and how I thought my life would be complete if only I had that guitar. Already knowing that this was a false idea, I entertained the idea of buying one. I knew I would play it for a month then put it away. I knew if I spent $2000 I would chastise myself for wasting money. Yet the memory of that kid, dreaming of playing with that thick Gibson sound, would not go away. I knew that part of discernment was reconnecting with what gave you true pleasure, and remembering those dreams you once had. I also knew that it would hurt to spend money on such a magnificent instrument and still suck at playing guitar.

In the end, I chose to buy an Epiphone Les Paul Standard. A slightly less-quality version of the guitar that's made off-shore instead of in the U.S. Some of the electronics were different, but beyond that there is little difference. I figured I could live with a $650 mistake rather than a $2000, but I would still be feeding that inner child.

And just like I said, I played it for a month, got frustrated because I couldn't play "Samba Pa Ti" the way Carlos Santana did, and within a month it sat in it's custom case in my closet. But rather than forget it completely, I started doing something different: I kept listening to that inner voice that wanted to still be that guitar rockstar. I realized it wasn't about fame, or money, or being the desire of women, it was that ability to create music so intense that it stirred emotion in your heart. Whether it came from a Les Paul, Fender Strat, or a cheap guitar, I knew that was the dream I was chasing, and it was something I could still attain...even as I prepared to become a Capuchin.

During our lifetime, we go through cycles where we develop certain desires. A lot of the time, we don't even know what to do with them, we're just aware that we want. And as we grow and become adults those wants change, and our ability to be satisfied requires more than an expensive guitar, or a pony, or a 1979 Chevy Monte Carlo SS.

While my Les Paul ran quite a bit of money (relatively speaking), it's more than just an object to me now. My desire to play guitar is something that connects me to my youth: that idealistic state where I could close my eyes and imagine I were Carlos Santana, Jimmy Page, Stevie Ray Vaughn, or any of a number of guitar greats. That ability to envision myself living out a dream, a simple dream, helps me to connect with my inner desires and focus on what I see as important.

So twice a year I take off the old strings, get out the guitar polish and an old rag, and spend my time as I go over every square inch of the instrument, polishing it to a perfect glow. I know that by tomorrow I will have fingerprints on the body from playing it, but by taking that time to care for the one last investment I still own, it reminds me that some of the greatest dreams in our lives don't involve a perfect job, a perfect spouse, or even the perfect house and car. Sometimes our greatest dreams are so simple, we confuse them with useless pursuits.

This is about the time where I tie everything together to show how my childhood dream to play guitar is a direct reflection of my vocation. I'm sure you all saw that coming.

But right now, my guitar's restrung, I'm hooked into the system, and 20,000 fans are waiting for me to play Europa.

You're never too old to chase your dreams.

On May 1, the Admissions Board for the Capuchin Franciscans will convene to review the applications of me and 8 other applicants to this fall's Postulancy class. For everything I've done to get this far in life, I still await the final letter of acceptance. I've known the Capuchins for over a year now, and after all the papers I retrieved and all the forms I've filled out, I have another 10 days to wait and hear the decision of the board.

There's little more I can say about this, other than I am still worried. I know I'm a "shoe in" yet perhaps out of past experience or a need to worry, I'm preparing myself for the good as well as the bad.

10 days until I know about the rest of my life. Honestly I try not to think about it during the day.

God, grant me the strength to accept whatever this life gives me.

Lately I feel like a millionaire: I make more money than I know what to do with, and I always have that urge to go out and just spend. Ever since coming back to the car business, I've been extremely busy selling cars. My commission check have been monstrous, my bank account is fat, and all day at work, they hear me singing to Rick Ross: "Everyday I'm hustlin'!"

Last week I got a check for over $2000. This week I didn't make as much...only $1500. I don't mean to brag about the money I'm making, but last month I was dealing cards for $50 a day. It took a week's worth of work to make $250. Yesterday I made $350 in less than an hour.

The dynamic of the car business is that this is my chosen profession. Were I to continue to work for Bossman at his dealership, my income would continue to grow as the dealership grows. I could easily make $50,000 in 9 months of work, have plenty of vacation time, a company vehicle, and wake up everyday feeling like a pimp. Who in their right mind would turn away from such a promising career?

Even if my paychecks double from where they are now, money is no longer a factor in my life. I think it's hard for some people to understand, and people think I'm lying when I tell them money doesn't matter to me. I've already lived the high life, I've grabbed the American Dream. Even at $100,000 a year, I'd still walk away without regrets. It sounds crazy, but it feels wonderful.

Last week I finished paying off my entire debt. One check did it. As I continue to make money for Elvis and myself, I've started "ear-marking" charities and organizations for sizable donations.
I've donated to my church, National Public Radio, The Epilepsy Foundation of Michigan, and several others. My church's food pantry is in need of food; I told them to make me a list - a big list. I have a charity golf event next month to attend, and I want to help my mom pay off her car before I leave for Chicago. I buy myself clothes or shoes when I need them, but after paying off $18,000 in debt, it's hard for me to "go nuts" at the mall anymore.

My friends find it unreal that I can make so much money and not let it affect who I am or who I want to become. It's my greatest method of testimony, to show people that money and objects are not the source of happiness, that no matter how big your paycheck is or how many rooms your house has, if you can't find that inner peace you will never be happy.

I'm happy working in the car business, but I know I can be so much more. That greater desire in my heart, that calling, is what brings me peace.

I would happily walk away from this job for a chance to follow my dream.

I know it took a week in the making, but pictures can often tell a better story than simple words, and I patiently awaited pictures of the event to share with everyone else. Thanks a lot to Brother Vince for sending me the whole DVD of pics.

Friday afternoon I left Grand Rapids and headed around the lake to Burlington, Wisconsin. Ironically enough, I never got lost once on the freeways or driving through Chicago; upon entering Burlington, I drove around for 20 minutes, unable to find the Novitiate house.

It was good to see some of my fellow brothers-to-be once again, but it was nice to meet so many new faces that were interested in learning more about the Order. The number that I'd been told these past few months was 8: out of 14 applications, they were "pretty sure" 8 would actually be a Postulant this year: myself, Parker, Rich, Dan, Stan, Quang, Quan, and Kyle. However we're still 4 months away, and many more people could come and go between that time.

After catching up and getting some food inside of us, Mass was held for the last summer: the official start of the Triduum Retreat. Jeff, the Novice Director, was the celebrant for the Holy Thursday Mass.



One thing I never participated in with Holy Thursday: the washing of the feet. However since this was a religious brotherhood and not a parish, we each took turns as our feet were washed, and we then had the opportunity to wash each other's feet. Again, it was ironic how I was washing the feet of Bill Hugo, the Vocations Director, when a year ago I couldn't believe that I would ever be worthy enough for a religious vocation.



After Mass, we all had a great time in the common room: talking, sharing stories, playing games. I had to remind myself that I was on retreat since I was having so much fun. My idea of a retreat was being silent, solemn, and introspective...not laughing and spending time with others.

After morning prayer, we had a seminar lead by Helmut Rakowski, O.F.M. Cap. (Yes, you pronounce his name how it sounds; yes, he knows what it means in English.) A great guy with a great sense of humor, Helmut is the Director for Capuchin Solidarity - an interesting title to hold.



Helmut explained his role in the Order as he talked about Franciscan spirituality and the idea of sister-brotherhood held by all Franciscans. He talked on how Jesus did not just bring a new covenant, rather He gave the established religion something radically different: the inclusion of women, preaching to the Samaritans, care for the poor and those disassociated with society. He challenged the idea of "chosen people" by showing how all people were children of God.

That afternoon, we returned to the chapel for Good Friday services.





That night after evening prayer, we did what any group of guys would ordinarily do: released pent-up testosterone in a show of competition! One of the large halls had been gutted out, carpeted, and was now used as an indoor soccer/volleyball/football field. Pitting the home-team novitiates against the Postulants/Candidates, we spent hours playing soccer that night. I wow'ed the crowd with my Dominic Hasek style of goal-keeping, however seasoned pros like Tony from the Australian province made quick work of me when isolated 1-on-1.

Saturday we spent in seminars again, listening as Helmut talked more about the Franciscan Spirituality as well as the mission of the Order. Much of what he talked on Friday and Saturday connected with what I was feeling with regards to the Capuchins. With the main charism being Fraternity, I understood the mission to treat everyone, family, friends, professed brothers, people I hated, all as my brothers and sisters - a task easier talked about than lived. Yet that was exactly what Jesus spoke of.

Long have I talked about this idea of becoming a hero, but I never was sure how I was going to be someone important when it came to a religious vocation. What I learned and what I pondered on that day was the that by choosing to live the Capuchin life, I was already affecting change in the world.



That evening, I helped the choir for the Easter Vigil. It was a magnificent ceremony, and I hardly noticed the 3.5 hours that passed. I felt at home with my brothers; content in the understanding that if this is where God was leading me, I could happily live this life.




Parker and Stan participate as Lectors during the Easter Vigil.


Dan Anholzer, the Provincial for the St. Joseph province, was the celebrant for the Easter Vigil ceremony. I think he kinda looks like Drew Carey with the crew cut and glasses, but don't tell him I said so...I don't want to get kicked out of the Capuchins before I even get in!

More news, highlights, and zany fun as my days continue to count down until August 17. Stay tuned!

This morning I leave for Burlington, Wisconsin to spend the Triduum Weekend with the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Joseph province. This will be one of the last requirements for applying to the Order. When I leave Grand Rapids, I will bring all of the required documents, forms, and doctor's reports that were asked. After this weekend everything is completely in God's hands as to whether or not I'll be accepted.

Often I try to compare it to joining college, since it's the only experience that comes close. The recruiter knows me well, I've visited the campus several times, I've met my possible classmates already, and I already know which dorm room I would get if I attended. The last and final formality is the acceptance. At college, it's done by an Admissions Board. It is much the same in the Capuchin Order, except the Head of the Province has the final say on who joins and who doesn't.

While there are many other colleges that await an anxious high-school graduate, to be turned down by the Capuchins would feel far more devastating. Admissions boards look at GPA, extra-curricular activities, your essays, and the evaluation of the recruiter. In a religious order or a diocese, the Provincial or Bishop must also discern what God's plan is for each applicant and whether or not this is where God is actually pointing us. Sounds like quite the task...understanding and acting on God's wishes for another.

I am nervous, but I am happy with where my life is now. I realized that the goal of this road wasn't just about becoming a priest at all costs, but to understand God's place for me, and simply to travel the road with my spirituality as a more important part of my life. If indeed God is pointing me in the direction of the Capuchins, I pray that God share that bit of info with the Head of the Order. If not, I will keep traveling this long road.

Since I am leaving for the weekend, I will most likely not post again until after Easter. Until then, I leave you all with the most appropriate song for this Holy Week. God Bless and have a wonderful Easter.