While tonight marks the end of the month of Ramadan, it was rather anti-climactic for me. Spending most of the day at the dentist having my wisdom teeth removed was not the way I'd planned to celebrate the break of fast. But with the requirement not eat or drink before the surgery, the last day of fasting was rather easy.

While I technically missed Eid ul-Fitr, I wanted to make sure I had sufficiently met the requirements of the zakat before learning another tradition. Cleaning the bathrooms for the guys was considered a very charitable act by everyone in the community, but I also wanted to do something for the poorer population. Only getting $50 bucks every two weeks limits the amount of donations I can give. However I decided that I would send money back to St. Ben's, my old ministry in Milwaukee, WI, for a fund that exists there to help cover the cost of prescription co-pays.

This being my first year of celebrating Ramadan and the traditions incorporated with the holiday, I'm kind of "winging" things as I go along. Understanding the Eid ul-Fitr, understanding the takbeer, getting the actual dates and times correct, and then finding a meaningful and relevant way for me to celebrate these events as a Capuchin Franciscan-I try to navigate between being true to my own faith while being respectful and true to the Islamic faith and tradition. While part of me continues to wish I'd had someone to join me in this endeavor...either as a guide to the holiday or someone to explain more of the spiritual aspects, I hope that I am not doing a disservice or a great offense by my simple interpretations.

With that said, I've made a plan for the Eid prayer tomorrow, in part from the writings at al-islam.org. Wanting to be respectful of what is considered Mustahab (virtuous, recommended), my celebration will include the following:

1. In the morning I will venture out into our "back 40." Barefoot and in habit, we have a chair a chair I can put in the middle of the field. For my takbeer, I have chosen Psalms 135, 95, and 145 for reading and prayer. Tomorrow is also the memorial for Padre Pio, so I'll choose an acceptible reading...keeping with the theme of doing good and resisting evil.

2. In order to reach out to people I haven't seen or talked to in a while, I've already started writing letters to people I haven't talked to in a while. Having taken this time to reflect and improve myself through the prayer and fasting, I want to take time to remember others instead of just focusing on myself.

3. My celebratory meal with the community will have to be put on hold...since after my trip to the dentist I can only eat pudding and apple sauce. My goal is to make dinner for the community as a way of sharing my skills while celebrating the end of the feast.

While this has not been the perfect model for a Catholic Christian to celebrate Ramadan as a time for personal prayer and growth, it has been of great benefit to me. It is an event I hope to continue learning about, so that I can be a better observant next year.

Once again, my apologies for any discrepencies or misunderstandings of the Islamic holidays. Hopefully next year I'll have someone who I can "buddy-up with" during the month of fasting!

After 3 weeks of doing my best to observe the Ramadan fast, I've come to a saddening reality: I have more fast days to make up than actual days completed during the fast. While the rules allow for those missed days to be made up before the next season of Ramadan, there is a sense of failure on my part.

I took these thoughts to my spiritual director, who was eager to hear how this time was being spent and how the fast affected me bodily, spiritually, and in my prayer life. There is a sense of safety in talking with formators and spiritual directors once a week, as they keep me from getting too "off-balance." He offered a great idea: if I felt that the time of fasting and self-reflection was being nurturing and healthy to my spiritual growth, why not use those "missed" days of fasting as "opportunities" later in the year to help me with my prayer life? Be it during Advent, Lent, or maybe just a random time that I feel the need to fast again, these days are a chance to not limit my experience to one particular month.

People here have noticed a difference in my demeanor, but I know I have found a growing sense of prayer awareness, consideration for others, and balance in thoughts and feelings through the observance of Ramadan. In spite of what others my have thought my faith has actually grown.

I wonder if I could have used any holiday or occasion for this desire to deepen my spiritual life. The fact that I'm a Catholic observing an Islamic holiday seems less controversial when, in reality, I'm a Catholic looking to find a deeper connection with God. Whether that occurs during Lent, the Easter Season, or outside the realm of the Liturgical Calender.

Less than a week to go. My thoughts are with those who have been able to keep up their fast this entire month, those who do not have the ready access to food and water that I have here in Allison Park, and those who have given up on finding God.

In spite of what others thought or expected, I’m still fasting in observance of the month of Ramadan. As a Capuchin Novice, questions were asked and approval was needed from my Novice Master as well as my Spiritual Director to begin. Even I’ve had questions of continuing, understanding the motives, and wondering why I couldn’t use a traditional (a.k.a. Catholic Christian) model for fast and prayer.

My community has been very supportive in my decision. There were a few raised eyebrows when I first mentioned the idea, yet they see I haven’t started bringing a sajada to Morning Prayer, nor haven’t replaced my side rosary with tespih beads. Recognizing that I was using the time to deepen my prayer life and novitiate experience, not to start a religious conversion, people started to feel relaxed with what I was doing.

The act of fasting is still a struggle at times...mostly because I cannot (nor should I) fast according to the actual schedule. While my life makes religious observance easy in Novitiate, to eat alone and be absent from community events in order to maintain a fast would be contradictory to my overall purpose. My fast days are Monday-Wednesday and Saturday. Thursday is our “day off” here in Novitiate, and community outings are usually scheduled. Friday we are graciously fed by our ministry, and Sunday is a community day where, again, outings and invitations are accepted to brunch.

The task of losing weight has also taken a sideline to this month’s fast. Long periods of fasting followed by eating slow down my metabolism. In the first week, my weight fluctuated back and forth. During the days, I try to run, lift weights, or play soccer to keep my metabolism going. I recognize that fasting is NOT the way for me to lose weight; I’m just trying to keep from gaining a ton of weight after this is done.

What has surprised me is the increase of my thoughts and meditations during my prayer. Just this morning, I cried while meditating on the mysteries of the Rosary. Other days this month, I’ve felt a true connection between the psalms and the feelings I was having. I do more spiritual reading in my spare time now. I’ve gone through books on fasting, a book about praying the psalms by Thomas Merton, a few books about the Virgen de Guadalupe, and even a book on Islamic Spirituality. I don’t think that fasting has magically made me “holy.” Rather I associate the feeling of hunger as a reminder of what this time is supposed to mean. So instead of taking a nap or playing guitar, I try to do something spiritually nourishing whenever I can.

The hardest part was not the fasting, much to my surprise. Rather I found the presence of angry and cynical thoughts running around in my head to be of concern for me. At different times I will find myself angry with someone, or irritated by someone’s mannerisms. “Why does this person come late to prayer every time?” “Why does that person pretend to be holier than me?” “Why can’t everyone see my point of view!?”

Keeping the mind clear of evil thoughts can be tough; it’s really tough when you live in a closed community, see the same people every day, and are working on the virtues of obedience, poverty, and celibacy. The combination of all these things can lead to outbursts, compulsions, and unhealthy thoughts. Being aware of these thoughts and learning to keep them under control will continue to be a task throughout my Novitiate. It was in the emptying of my self that I was better able to see these tendencies.

I am glad I chose to experience Ramadan this year, even if I never get a chance again. I hope to continue the fast until the end. I gratefully appreciate the support I’ve received from people in doing this – both from Christians and Muslims. I realize that this is something I have done for myself, however I also recognize that people are moved by the decision: some are intrigued while others feel I am turning my back on my own Catholic Christian faith. While I am not trying to make a statement by this fast, I see how others can draw different viewpoints from it.

In spite of that, I feel that I have been blessed with a gift for sharing and expressing my faith in ways that others might fear. Faith is a precious part of our lives that must be shared, not kept to ourselves. Being able to find God in all things and share that love is something I’ve been blessed with. I hope never to lose that gift.

I know this is an interruption in the narrative I've been giving about my past, but I just felt the desire to talk about my fasting experience today.

Simply: I’m really hungry.

I wish I had better words to give, but any time I stop thinking about why I’m doing this Ramadan fast, my stomach just growls even louder.

In spite of my hunger pains, I really have nothing to complain about. I’m literally surrounded by food. Our cook is in the kitchen at the moment making dinner, an eating experience that will be a feast later on. There are chips, snacks, and soda in the community room. There’s a fridge nearby that has water, juice, and some zucchini bread that my aunt sent today. So to act like I’m actually at a loss for food is a mere illusion…I’m only continuing the willful decision to eat nothing during the day.

Simply removing the temptation isn’t an option during this time either. As I sit here on the community computer, I’m staring at a half-drunk Gatorade and a can of Diet Pepsi that someone didn’t finish. When I worked out in our gym, I heard 15 commercials for fast food on the radio within an hour. Even if I try to hide in my room it doesn’t help; I see all the empty cans and the water bottles that remind me how easy and accessible food and water are for me.

Each day since I've started, I chose to join the community as they prayed for the lunch meal. Standing in front of a counter with lunchmeat, left-overs, and cheese, I listened to the prayer like never before. “Bless us who are about to eat, and bless those who will go without.” I didn’t feel extra-holy or that I’d attained “Jesus points” because I chose not to eat. However I did recognize that when we blitz through the meal prayer just to get to the part where we shove food into our mouths, there are people who feel the same grumbling in their stomachs like me…they just don’t have the access like I do.

Many of these things I already knew. If anything, this feeling of hunger brings back memories of a child - when there were times we simply had rice or beans for dinner. Thinking back, I remember times where my mom chose not to eat so that I could. The experience of hunger is nothing new to me; my only issue is that it wasn’t the reason I chose to embark on this fast.

And perhaps I am where I am because I thought like most people…this was simply about eating before dawn and after sunset. And while I’ve focused a lot on the eating aspect, I realize there’s more to this experience that needs to be sought out. In a book by Seyyed Hossein Nasr, he writes about fasting for Ramadan:

"Both internal and external efforts are needed to fast properly. It is not an easy thing, for example, to control anger. In the month of fasting, this particular passion reaches almost beyond control because man becomes irritable.[sic] He must therefore keep watch constant watch over this and such other passions, so that not only are they properly controlled, but also they never gain the chance to control the individual. Otherwise our fasting will be soiled, and instead of acquiring benefits from external fasting we shall start committing sins."

I compared that words that I've tried to focus on during my meditation this past week:

"Why have we fasted and You do not see?
Why have we humbled ourselves and You do not notice?"
Behold, on the day of your fast you find your desire,
And drive hard all your workers. -Isaiah 58:3

I recognize that this season for me is more than just rescheduling my meals. Ramadan is a time of spiritual cleansing, and that is the point I am trying to reach as well. In the Old Testament, it was thought that fasting could bend the ear of God. I’m hoping that this experience bends my ears, making me better able to hear God and recognize him as I discern my life with the Capuchins as a friar.

In spite of my grumbling stomach, I recognize there is something wonderful that is capable from this experience. I simply hope I have the fortitude to continue before I give up and devour an entire bag of Cheetos!


Happy Ramadan!

Photo by creativesam

“Let us therefore have charity and humility and give alms because it washed the stains of sins from our souls. We must also fast and abstain from vices and sins…” –St. Francis of Assisi

“There are many whose fast is nothing beyond being hungry and thirsty.” – The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him)

With the beginning of Ramadan and the month of sawm, I thought about my commitment and my life here as a Novice with the Capuchin Franciscans. Looking at our schedule of prayer, the commitment to charity, the denial of temporal things that separate us from God… I felt excited because, in a way, this life that seemed so separate from the American norm would now be shared by over 7 million people world-wide!

I also read an insightful article by Brian McLaren talking about how he as a Christian was choosing to share the experience of Ramadan with his Muslim neighbors. In the article he outlines the plan to observe the fast and the principles of the season in a Christian context, yet being respectful and hospitable to those of another faith. You can read the entire article here.

I was immediately intrigued by this idea. While his motives appear more focused on inter-faith dialogue, I looked at how he planned to use the time for spiritual and prayerful reflection. I’d never really fasted before; unless you count the times I ate a Filet-O-Fish instead of a Big Mac. Yet I was aware of many people, from Biblical times to Cesar Chavez, who fasted as a way to spiritually cleanse the body, be in solidarity with those who were hungry, deepen their prayer life, and affirm their dependence (submission) to God.

After praying and meditating on the idea, and then presenting the concept to my spiritual director, I decided that I too would also observe the fast for Ramadan. I don't happen to have a "Muslim friend" in which to "buddy-up" during this time (as McLaren suggests), however I feel this will be a way to deepen my prayer life as well as immerse myself into this Novitiate experience. I’ve think I've come up with a way to observe the fast as I continue to discern my vocation as a Capuchin friar.

For some pretty obvious reasons, I had to tailor a unique way in which to participate. First off, my prayers and testimony of faith (shahadah) will slightly differ from the common prayers of the Qu'ran. I do observe the requirement not to eat from before dawn throughout the day. However the evening meal at Novitiate is a community function, therefore my fast ends at 6:00 PM when we eat. I recognize it isn’t the full time that is prescribed, however the evening meal is an important aspect of community life. Also, since ministry is built in to the Novitiate program, I will look for new ways to fulfill the zakat. Most people don’t have the benefit of living in a community that is built around daily prayer and devotion to God like me…I want to look for ways to reach beyond the current work we do.

I mentioned that I am doing this for personal reasons; however I am excited to learn more about Islam and to understand the spirituality. As a Franciscan I cannot overlook the meeting of Francis and Maik Al-Kamil, the Sultan during the 5th Crusade. The example shown of this story is that two people can be respectful of each other while still discussing their own faith. While this time is meant for my personal relationship with God, I’d like to build that sense of inter-faith dialogue into my life as well.

Don’t be fooled – I haven’t got this all figured out and I can only pray that I have the fortitude to actually do the fast. My ultimate goal is to achieve a clearer mind and a better prayer life during this discernment period of Novitiate. My hope is that the observance of Ramadan will be a vessel which will help my spiritual development. I will post updates as well as reflections about this month, and how it affects me throughout my time here. Keep me in your prayers!

Peace and all good,
Br. Vito Martinez OFM Cap.