“From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” -Karl Marx

“Let us preserve a common life and willingly share among ourselves whatever we receive as individuals.” –The Constitutions of the Capuchins Friars Minor

I start with these quotes because they describe an aspect of my current life. I doubt the Capuchins used Das Kapital in the formation of the Constitutions - any more than I think Marx used the 4th chapter of Acts in constructing his economic theory. Yet the uses of these two quotes provide two great axioms as how we as friars look at money, goods, and the sharing of our funds.

My present dilemma surrounds a ColdGear™ mock t-neck made by Under-Armor®. To prepare for the winter months, I want/need to buy something to wear under my habit. Sweaters are too bulky, shirts don’t always get the jobs done, nor do I own a single brown shirt. (I often can be seen wearing a yellow or blue shirt under my habit.) Under-Armour® provides a great solution for that problem…at the cost of $49.99.

Disclaimer: Product currently displayed may not reflect how it looks on you. "Washboard stomachs" are not a feature.

Before entering the Order, the process of buying this shirt would be simple: I want, I can afford, I buy. Even families who live on a budget have a sense of freedom with purchases, with needs and wants partially determined by what is left over after the bills are paid.

As I ponder over the purchase of this shirt, many questions have to be answered in my mind before I feel comfortable purchasing the shirt…as well as determining which funds to use:

1. Functionality – Will I wear this shirt enough to validate its cost, or will it sit in the closet? Am I going to use it strictly for an undershirt while wearing the habit, or will I wear it when working out as well? Will it last longer than 6 months? Does this shirt suit the purpose I need it for?

2. Aesthetics – Am I purchasing this because it looks nice? If so, how much of that fits into the decision? Would I be just as happy if it had an Adidas® or Nike® emblem on it? Should I even be concerned by those things? Is it made of a material that I can wear, or will it feel awkward?

3. Buying Ethics – By paying $50 for the shirt, do I feel confident that I will not have to replace the shirt within the year? Do I feel that Under-Armour® is diligent in its buying ethics from third party distributors?

Obviously not all my spending has this same dilemma. My dentist appointment and following wisdom teeth extraction requires little discernment. I have tooth pain, they need to be removed. Very little room for discussion.

However with the Under-Armour® shirt, I try to quantify my need versus my want, and compare that to what the intention of the donor had in mind for my use of the money. Perhaps other guys would have less concern buying a shirt like this. For some, they would see it as a necessity and the question would be finished. Others would see it as an affront to poverty, and choose either to save up for it or find a cheaper way to solve the problem.

After living a life in poverty and then achieving a sense of wealth, questions like these present interesting moments of thought. Knowing what it’s like to live without many “necessities” that others had (car, color TV, cable, dishwasher, laundry facilities, etc.) my definition of need is somewhat skewed. Even sitting here, in a Novitiate setting where we are to live a life without much distraction from the outside world, I type on a computer and prepare to load it onto my blog via the internet. Is that truly a necessity, or does need refer to the 4 staples: food, clothing, shelter, and love (human contact)?

Again, the purpose of this post is not to challenge current standards nor preach about poverty, fiscal responsibility, or how we should all be willing to share our goods to help others. I put forth only the new way I live life and how I make my purchases…a stark contrast from the days of selling cars or dealing poker.

This stuff is giving me a headache. I need a Monster®

(Under Armor and Monster are trademarked items. Their use here is not an endorsement by the me, the Capuchin Franciscans, or the Youth for International Socialism.)

Michael is one of the many volunteers at St. Ben's Community Meal. He's always there to help, and has done so for quite a long time. However Mike isn't one of the people that tries to feel better about himself by volunteering. Mike is poor himself...a paycheck away from living on the streets. He is aware of his situation, and works hard to stay above water.

Mike is a member of an ever-growing demographic in this country: the working poor. He has a full-time job, "pulls his weight" as some boot-strapping politicians might say, yet life is still a struggle for him.

Wednesday at the community meal, he showed me something he had written up, a brief description of his current life. It is very real, and I thought it something that should be shared with everyone. While his written personal reflection had no goal other than a story, I could see the plight of the working poor as I read his paper. He allowed me to post it.

His story has given me inspiration for something bigger and more profound, but I think I should be true to his story, one author to another, and keep my idea for a later time.

Enjoy.

To the working poor stress is a constant companion in their effort to support themselves. This world is one of constantly monitoring how to most effectively use what little they make.

Back in 1980 to 1986, I went to UWM (University of Wisconsin @ Milwaukee) both full time some years and part time other years. I never got a degree. I dropped out in 1986. I dropped out to learn from the school of life. Only the school of life, I finally realized, was a harsh teacher. The total number of years that encompass my years as a member of the working poor include 13 years prior to college and 19 years after, totalling 32 years in all.

I am a member of the working poor. Although I am 55 years old now, I don't look like it. (he doesn't) I do feel like 55 on the inside. I live in the Riverwest area. I've had assorted jobs and have been working at G&K Services for just over 4 and a half years now. The business is located in the New Berlin Industrial Park. It's an hour and 20 minutes bus ride one way, so having a functional car is important.

Fortunately I own a quality used car, a 1996 Honda Accord, which I financed with a loan. I also financed a nice bedroom set. I have two loans to pay off. I make $10.71 an hour. I have medical coverage which costs me approximately $65 per month out of pre-tax income. Plus I set aside 10% of my pre-tax income to put into a 401K. I have virtually no savings. How is it possible for me to survive, when the on-going costs of life: rent, utilities, phone, out-of-pocket medical expenses, car insurance, food expenses, etc. eat up most of what little income I make - nevermind the unforeseen expenses that pop up like landmines.

My approximately 18 to 20 thousand dollars per year income has even been reduced by the state economy. Instead of working 40-50 hours per week during this time of the year, which is the busy season of the year at G&K, I am only working 31 to 35 hours per week. So even though it's tough to survive at 40 hours per week at $10.71 per hour, my income has been significantly reduced even further. Plus the possibility of lay-offs loom in the near future.

I figure there is an expectation made by society that when a person becomes a member of the working poor, he or she assume the responsibility of paying my bills, whatever bills are incurred, on time despite one's level of income. I don't know if I am the puppeteer, juggling all my financial responsibilities, or if I am the puppet being buffeted by the cold, hard reality - trying to survive in a world that requires that I make a better income to somehow come out on top.

I don't want your pity. I want to help you understand what my life and others like mine are like. I believe I have raw talent and ability. I volunteer quite regularly at St. Benedict's Meal Program. I've been there 16 years now. My volunteer effort there makes use of some skills and talents my day job does not. This helps me to feel productive and worthwhile, and feeds my sense of spirituality. I continue to believe in who I am, in what talents and abilities I have, and in the hope that I can better my economic status. I hope because without hope one's quality of life slips immeasurably. I know that to have a car, a decent bedroom set, and the ability finance them, put me in a better position than others who are also working poor but make less in wages. To have the ability income-wise to afford medical insurance and a 401K also puts me a few steps ahead of those who make less in wages. That is small comfort for me. The financial realities of survival continue to intrude and have an impact on my life. I know that in a practical and realistic sense, a huge challenge is before me.

Lately I feel like a millionaire: I make more money than I know what to do with, and I always have that urge to go out and just spend. Ever since coming back to the car business, I've been extremely busy selling cars. My commission check have been monstrous, my bank account is fat, and all day at work, they hear me singing to Rick Ross: "Everyday I'm hustlin'!"

Last week I got a check for over $2000. This week I didn't make as much...only $1500. I don't mean to brag about the money I'm making, but last month I was dealing cards for $50 a day. It took a week's worth of work to make $250. Yesterday I made $350 in less than an hour.

The dynamic of the car business is that this is my chosen profession. Were I to continue to work for Bossman at his dealership, my income would continue to grow as the dealership grows. I could easily make $50,000 in 9 months of work, have plenty of vacation time, a company vehicle, and wake up everyday feeling like a pimp. Who in their right mind would turn away from such a promising career?

Even if my paychecks double from where they are now, money is no longer a factor in my life. I think it's hard for some people to understand, and people think I'm lying when I tell them money doesn't matter to me. I've already lived the high life, I've grabbed the American Dream. Even at $100,000 a year, I'd still walk away without regrets. It sounds crazy, but it feels wonderful.

Last week I finished paying off my entire debt. One check did it. As I continue to make money for Elvis and myself, I've started "ear-marking" charities and organizations for sizable donations.
I've donated to my church, National Public Radio, The Epilepsy Foundation of Michigan, and several others. My church's food pantry is in need of food; I told them to make me a list - a big list. I have a charity golf event next month to attend, and I want to help my mom pay off her car before I leave for Chicago. I buy myself clothes or shoes when I need them, but after paying off $18,000 in debt, it's hard for me to "go nuts" at the mall anymore.

My friends find it unreal that I can make so much money and not let it affect who I am or who I want to become. It's my greatest method of testimony, to show people that money and objects are not the source of happiness, that no matter how big your paycheck is or how many rooms your house has, if you can't find that inner peace you will never be happy.

I'm happy working in the car business, but I know I can be so much more. That greater desire in my heart, that calling, is what brings me peace.

I would happily walk away from this job for a chance to follow my dream.

Yesterday marked a new page in my life: a day where my debt is less than my monthly income. After paying off a 12 year old credit card debt, I'm down to $2300 in total debt, and I feel great!

I wanted to reward myself, since this is something I've worked on even before I decided to pursue a vocation. However I didn't want to spend the money foolishly, like a trip to the casino or something stupid.

Instead, I reverted to one of my childhood dreams, a callback to some of those desires I gave up when I chose to follow more "worldly" careers. As I've delved back into that part of my life, I find myself writing again, as well as something I haven't done in years: play my guitar.

I admit I'm nowhere near as good as I was years ago, but I am relearning fast, and I have the patience to learn things I didn't have when I was young. Hard songs and chord progressions take practice and time....when I was a kid I just wanted to be Carlos Santana right then and there. Now I know that with work and effort you can be anything.

Since I lacked the self-discipline to keep up with my guitar skills, my gear never improved either. As new advances in guitars and amps became available, I chose to spend money on other hobbies or interests. Starting playing as a schoolkid did not give me the funds to buy that better equipment either. In the time I had the money, I'd given up on my guitar already. I feel sad for the lost time.

Fortunately, as I've come back into my love, I've rekindled the old dream of mine; the one thing I truly wanted:

This is a 1979 Gibson Les Paul. It is a maple body with maple headstock. Rosewood fretboard with abalone inlay, two humbucker pick-ups, grover locking tuning machines, shown here in cherry sunburst. This is not an instrument, rather a work of art. Guitarists from Paul McCartney, Peter Frampton, Zakk Wylde, Slash, Carlos Santana, Jimmy Page, Bob Marley, and John Lennon all used Les Pauls.

In the words of Chazz Michael Michaels, I could not love a human baby as much as I love this guitar.~

I know I will never own one, however since that time, Gibson bought a smaller company called Epiphone, allowing it to release guitars like the SG and the Les Paul at more affordable prices. So rather than spending the $3000 it would cost for a Gibson Les Paul, an Epiphone can be purchased starting at $400-$500. I'm negotiating as we speak.

Now I thought about this, actually gave it some serious discernment. Was I just getting this guitar to satisfy some childhood dream of owning an icon of great music, or was I making an investment into something I loved? Sure I'd started playing guitar again, and I had my acoustic to keep playing on. Isn't that all I really need? Do I need this beautiful piece of handiwork?

I go through this same thing each time I buy something; last time it was my winter coat. I thought of buying something cheap that would get me through the winter. However my eye caught on a real nice leather coat with a liner and hood for $200. On the one hand, buying cheap is how I should plan on living. I don't need to buy what I want, rather what I need. For the past year and a half, that has been bills. However buying quality is a better value in the long run, as long as you're not splurging. A mink coat would have been over the top, or a team coat for the same cost. My last leather coat lasted me 10 years; it lasted so long I grew out of it. The new coat should last me another 10 years, as long as I don't put on another 100 pounds.

Guitarists the world over love the Les Paul because it is a quality instrument. The crafting, the make, the electronics are all top notch. I don't need the super expensive Les Paul or a really awesome paint job, I'm looking for a guitar for an intermediate player that will last 15+ years. If I am serious about playing guitar, this is the one I should buy.

I've had recent experiences that have hastened my return to music, and now that I'm going back in that direction, I think it's time to make a childhood dream come true, even if it's only the cheap version of that dream.

That and I hear chicks dig guitar players.

Fat Tuesday is usually a festive day mixed with paczkis and idealistic thoughts of giving up everything for Lent. However for me, I spent a lot of the time in contemplation and regret.

Between the bills and the job change, that final goal of paying off personal debt becomes harder and harder to reach. $3788 is not a huge amount; it averages to $630 a month. It's a realistic goal, unfortunately being a poker dealer again means I'll be lucky to get $800 a month.

This is not a fund raising blog, nor am I looking for handouts. Part of the reason I'm writing this is because I've chastized myself all day today for money that could have been better spent. I feel bad for leaving the car business, I feel bad for buying Chinese take-out yesterday, I feel bad because I should be free and clear from this problem already.

The reason that I've been so frustrated, even angry, is because it screws with my time table. I will go as far to say that God Himself is messing with my perfect schedule. The "plan" was to leave for Postulancy on August 1 with all debts paid and nothing left behind. Yet each large step comes with its own setback. First were the bills of the apartment ($2500). Then it was a change in job. Then there was the money used for my grandmother's last days ($700). In November I had the trip to ER ($2872). Now I am dealing cards again and making less money.

With each new expense, I feel like God doesn't want me to get to the finish line. I don't feel like I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into a vocation, rather I am running uphill and into the wind. Rather than a path through the woods, I feel like my discernment is a traffic jam: a long, frustrating maze of construction work and flashing lights that are confusing and painful, even though their goal is to make everything better. To think that God is hindering my journey is hurtful, but I'm starting to think that way.

I've talked with my Spiritual Director numerous times about "God's Plan vs. My Plan", and how the two are rarely ever the same. The argument I make is: "I am working towards religious life and eventually ordination, how could this not be His plan?" I never expected God to make this road any easier to travel, but to make it even tougher??? Am I being tested? Is God teasing me?

I realize I can't argue with a supernatural & all-powerful entity. I can't convince God that my way is the best way towards accomplishing this goal. I want to be in Chicago with the Capuchins this Fall. Spiritually, I don't know if that is God's plan for me.

I have to accept that He may have other plans and I'll still be in Grand Rapids on August 2.

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about it, like I just lost something huge. I don't want to give up, I don't want to admit I can't pay off this debt. I made a living of chasing goals and reaching them. "You can do anything!" is the line I was fed for years.

But this...today I had to admit for the first time that this is something completely different. If God's plan isn't for me to enter Postulancy this year, he has the power to make it so. And I can't fight that, nor can I distrust His plan.

I don't know if the lesson is patience, humility, or perseverence, but my journey is by no means finished. Only a month ago I felt like "coasting" the rest of the way. Now I realize the hardest days of discernment are yet to come. I pray that I am wrong, and will continue to pay off debts and prepare for Postulancy. However if that day comes and it's not in God's Plan, I'm sure I will know.

They told me at the beginning that "discernment without prayer was no discernment at all." Man, were they ever right.

So I've found another interesting, yet obvious way of helping pay down my debts: poker. Having so much knowledge of the game, strategy, rules, and player tendencies, I'm surprised I hadn't thought sooner of becoming a semi-professional poker player as a supplement to my income.

Before you start thinking: "What in the world are you doing? You wanna be a priest!" I do have several ground rules that I follow. As a pitboss, I see people throw away money each day I work because they lack the discipline or the self-control when playing cards. These "rules" suit my current situation, but if you are a poker player or just the occasional gambler, these rules might be of some use to you as well:

1. Know what you can spend. Tonight I went in, knowing I could lose $110 and still pay all my current bills as well as a few past bills that still reside on my credit report. I bought in once for 60, then for 50.

2. Set your winning point. The timeline on any poker player is bust if they don't know when to walk away as a winner. My goal was to either double up or call it quits when the $110 was done. After I doubled up, I decided that I would move my winning limit up to $340; the amount of the past-due bill I needed to pay.

3. Be patient. There's always the lure of "donking" chips away on hands like 9-4, J-7, or Q-8. All the poker books in the world cannot teach you to be patient and wait for your hands to come to you. If you spend too much time trying to chase a flush draw, you will end up broke. It took an hour and a half before I turned my last $30 into $412.

4. Walk away when you are done. That doesn't just include your winning limit; if you're tired or you have other things on your mind, do the smart thing and cash out. When I started to backslide from the $400, I left before I dropped under the $340 mark.

5. Give back. I make it a habit to tithe all of my winnings. Sometimes the collection plate gets more money than other weeks, but I make a conscious note to give at least 10% to my church. I don't do this because I'm trying to thank God for making sure my Aces didn't get cracked, I do this because they are poker winnings. It is extra money. Most people would gladly give to charity if they won the lottery, why not give if you only win $300?

6. Remember why you're playing. If you're sitting down to play poker with buddies and you're just there to have fun, you can probably throw out everything I just typed, with the exception of #5. I play because it fun, but more importantly it is something I am good at, and if I can pay off my debt faster by spending time at the No Limit cash tables, then I can use poker as a tool to reach a loftier goal.

Tonight was a good night at the poker tables, and with the extra money, I have money left in my bank account after all my bills are paid. I know the Food Pantry at my church is in need of more food, so I may spend another $60 at Aldi's to help them stock up on soup and canned vegetables. I don't know what St. Francis would think, but I do my best to follow the four major rules regarding gambling per the Catholic Church. Perhaps in the end, the experience, like all others, will help me serve others with gambling problems. Or maybe if they feel they can tell a priest their bad beat story, they can come to him about other things.

I apologize for my break from blogging once again. Thank you for your prayers and messages of concern. I am doing well, in good health, and in a good place.

As of late, I find my life in the same position I was several years ago: making lots of money, excited about life, and with very little time for anything outside of work. Not only am I doing well selling cars, I am working as a pit-boss now for the charity poker room. I average about $700-$800 a week, have no car payment, and only pay $250 for rent.

Needless to say, that leaves me with a lot of extra cash, and a strong urge to spend money.

Money, popularity, and the pursuit of wealth are many things that drove my life years ago. While I am excited and happy to be doing so well again, I know that road is not the way I want to travel. I've been there, and unless you keep chasing and keep chasing, you stop being happy.

Sometimes we think we want everything, when all we really want is to be free of it all.

George Michael is probably too old for some of you to remember. In the beginning of his career he was a pop icon, perhaps the Justin Timberlake of the 1980's. He was a teen idol, was at the top of the record charts, was making a lot of money, and was always in the spotlight.

In 1990, after deciding that the none of those things were actually bringing him happiness, his attitude towards the music industry changed. He stopped doing record promotions, he stayed out of the spotlight as best he could, and he tried to move beyond his image as he tried to become a better person.

On the album Listen Without Prejudice, George made his stand in the song Freedom 90. The song was so popular that when MTV asked for a video, George Michael refused to even be in the video. Whether it was a large publicity stunt or his attempt to save himself from draw of money and fame...that's still up for debate. Either way, Freedom 90 is a strong testament against letting the chase for wealth and money control who you are.

It's good to be writing again, and I'm doing my best to keep my priorities in line.


I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because I would really, really
Love to stick around

Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race, a prettier face
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same no way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me
Freedom Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big-shot goodtime band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's somethig you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were build to last

That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom
May not be what you want from me
just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live

There comes a time when we must account for our sins; not just to God but to those that care about us and keep us in their thoughts and prayers. While no one can give absolution but God, if we truly love those that are near us, then it is our duty to confess our sins to those we've wronged. And while I've only done things against me, I know others have prayed for me to find my way on this long journey of discernment and life.

Before leaving for Chicago, you recall my talk of the new job, the move, and how life had become confusing, yet profitable. In fact, this week it looks like I will get a check for $1000...without dealing on the side. Between the job, the money, and everything else, I started losing focus.

Today, driving home at 2 A.M from a poker game, I realized that my journey had taken a wrong turn, and only after losing $600 was I able to realize it.

In my quest to gain money (with the premise of paying off debt) I let the drive, that "chase," consume me. I spent all my time working. When I wasn't working, I was playing poker. If I wasn't doing either of those, I was playing video games. It was like I'd back-tracked the entire journey. I'd be up late Saturday night and miss morning mass. I'd pass over saying prayer to sleep in or to get to sleep. I even thought: "You know, if I go out and get laid, it's only nine more months I have to wait."

I made time to do everything I thought was important, yet I made no time for those that are truly important: my friends, my family, my spirituality, and even you my dear readers.

This blog has been an important part of my journey. It's an outlet to discuss my problems, my joys, and maybe share some stories. I used to write only what inspired me or brought me closer to God...perhaps this is when I most need to write.

I really don't know where to go from here. The demands and the pace of the priesthood/religious life are just as demanding. If I can't get control of my life now, am I really cut out to live that kind of life? Maybe God' never called me, and I've just been hoping that I could get away from all the temptations in my life. Maybe I can't complete this journey because I see all the other things that people want or have.

I just know I don't want to live this life...a life of money and chasing things. I just want it to be August of 2008. Maybe Satan's taking his stab at keeping me...I don't know. But I know I am not where I want to be, and no one is responsible but me.

I just want that joy again. I want to be happy with my life again. Please Lord, help me find my way.