While it is still the Easter Season, I realize I've taken a while to post the many pictures of the Triduum celebration when I went back to my home province in Calvary, Wisconsin. Sorry for the delays, as I tend to find other things to fill up my time. Remember that if you're looking for more pictures from the Triduum retreat, they can always be found at the Vocations Update Page.

Formation Row: Mitch, me, and next year's novices MJ and Stephen.

The yearly Triduum Retreat in our province is an opportunity for candidates, friars in formation, Cap Corps members, and other members/affiliates of the province to get together for a spiritual and exciting time together during Triduum. For me it was an opportunity to reunite with my home province after spending so many months away at Novitiate.

However the retreat isn't just about connecting and having a good time. Fr. Gianluigi Pasquale, OFM Cap. was our presenter for the weekend, and presented some very interesting thoughts for reflection during the several seminars that weekend.

Gianluigi shows off a doodle made by Br. David Hirt, post-novice.

Of course the Easter Triduum is a liturgical period from Holy Thursday until the Easter Vigil. The following are various photos from the different liturgies. Note: Since the Holy Thursday Mass and Procession involved the student body of St. Lawrence Minor Seminary, pictures of that Liturgy are not listed, per our policy regarding minors and the internet. Thanks for understanding. -V

Morning prayer in the chapel at St. Lawrence Seminary

Veneration on Good Friday.

Future novice MJ and Cap Corps volunteer Christina serve as acolytes for the Easter Vigil.

Again, if you want to see more pictures, be sure to check out our provincial Vocations website at http://www.capuchinfranciscans.org/.

The day of my investiture brought to me a greater look at what it actually meant to wear the habit. For the past year, I’d eagerly awaited this day – the way a man in love looks forward to the day he will propose to his loved one. There exists excitement, fear, anticipation, worry, and joy in heart.

Upon arriving in Pennsylvania I had to unpack my habit which had sat in a box for the past 3 months. Since the ceremony wasn’t until 4:30 in the afternoon, I spent most of Sunday washing, drying, and ironing the habit.

As I took the time to iron my habit and chaperon, I was able to reflect on the symbolism of the moment. I felt like a groom preparing the tuxedo he would wear to his wedding. I partly felt like a soldier, preparing his uniform as he prepared to be commissioned to some duty. But most of all, I recognized that the habit that lie in front of me would be an external symbol of my faith. The robe and cord would display my commitment and my vow to live the Gospel in a specific manner. Whether I liked it or not, I would be defined by the garb of my Order.

As I continued to iron I knew that donning the habit meant different things to each of us. Some saw it as a transformative experience. By wearing the robe and cord they felt closer to God and more secure in their discernment of living this life as a religious vocation. Others felt the habit gave them a greater connection to the current friars whom were solemnly professed. While I’d always been treated as a friar in my province (in spite of my obvious Postulant status), others were just now experiencing that fuller sense of brotherhood. By being invested, the now held a greater status within their respective provinces.

Still others recognized that level of status that is attached with the habit, either within the religious community or when in public. Their thought is that the habit does not change who they are. To “over-wear” the habit is a matter of personal pride and possibly a sign of religious elitism.

All these different concepts of this robe raced through my mind as I continued to prepare my habit for the upcoming event. And in all honesty, I spent almost 2 hours ironing, primping, removing lint, and fitting my garb. Yet in the time I took to get out all the wrinkles, perfectly place the knots on my cord, and add the side rosary, I’d understood the importance of being invested and how it would affect my vocation at this point on.

I refused to think that being invested would provide a mystical conversion, yet the wearing of the habit held great importance. The habit is simply cloth; I would never consider it to be anything more than that. However this cloth represents a group of men to whom I have come to love and greatly respect. Starting from St. Francis and continuing down to the friars I’ve met over the years, this habit symbolized some of the holiest, smartest, devout, hard-working, funny, and caring guys I’d ever met. My presence here in Allison Park was a statement that these guys felt I was good enough (called) to be a part of them.

…and part of me wonders if I can ever be as great as the men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.

I realize this desire to be a “great friar” is a construction of my own making – the remnants of a lifetime trying to compete and be the best. Yet since that Sunday when I was first invested, I recognize that I now belong to a group that believes in something great. As corny and simplistic as I think it is, perhaps my challenge this year will be to “Let go, and let God.”

And so begins my year of being a Novice.

Our house has been flooded with candidates who plan on becoming the next class of postulants to join the Capuchins. I was asked to do morning prayer for the house, and while planning, I had came up with an idea: give an example of what it means to "get out of your comfort zone."

So rather than just using something I already knew, or letting someone else sing for me, I sang a capella this morning. I didn't just sing, but I sang something that's exactly easy: O Healing River.


Since there are a lot of references to water during Lent, today being from Isaiah, O Healing River is a good song for Lent...especially when Ashes has been used up by the first week! Those that know me also know that I don't (can't) sing, so I usually just play accompaniment. However with the chance to demonstrate what it means to do something a little scary, I put myself out there.

I doubt I'm ready for a solo career as a singer, but one of the things I'm self-conscious about is my singing. I think the chance to do little things like that, and do them to show the new guys that it's OK to be a little scared, helps everyone.

Once again, I was a part of the Capuchin Vocations Update distributed by our province. The other guys tease me because my story and my ministry are so frequently written about, both by the order and by others. Realistically, I'm the "writer" of the group, so quite often my stories, which contain many aspects of this life here, are used by the Vocations Office to help show possible candidates what it is like to live in religious life.

This particular picture was taken inside of St. Ben's church. Both Br. Dave and I gave them a history of the church, the mission and outreach, and the continued ministries that exist at St. Ben's, including the community meal six days a week.

The other guys in the photo include candidates who plan on being postulants next year, Parker (directly behind me) who is a postulant in my class, and Fr. John Holly and Br. Jerry Johnson, the Vocation Directors for the Capuchin province.

As always, if you have more questions about the Capuchins and what we do, visit www.capuchinfranciscans.org.

Look how tired I am from this long weekend!

Actually, this was a pic taken down at St. Clare Friary in Chicago. This is where I began my weekend ministry with the new candidates looking at joining the Capuchins. Every October, the Vocations Department plans an event to tour the different ministries in Detroit. Along with information and scenes, there's the opportunity to talk to friars, other candidates who are discerning, and of course current Postulants who can talk about their experience with the order. I was one of the first selected to help John and Jerry with their weekend this year.

The drive was extremely long. Traffic from Milwaukee to Chicago was horrible, the weather just sucked when driving the seven hours from CHI to DET, and there were 11 of us crammed into a fleet van. Since I have "more to love," it's quite obvious that I was rather uncomfortable.

The Director of the Capuchin Food Pantry explains how things work to the visiting candidates. Rich Reinhardt (in the middle with the tote bag)displays his suspicion with the now-patented "eyebrow look."

After some well-needed rest and a few beers to end the day, we got up early Saturday and began our tour of Detroit. We visited the various Soup Kitchens run by the Caps to give the candidates a sense of our presence in DET. One of the things many people are surprised by is not the existence of a "bad neighborhood," but how empty this metropolis actually is. Driving by abandoned lots, burned out houses, bombed-out factories, and abandoned homes with stuffed teddy bears nailed to the siding, the sadness in this city never ceases to amaze me.

They say haunted houses aren't real. I think this place is the exception to the rule, because it still creeps me out!

At the end of the day of visiting ministries, we took a drive up to Washington, MI...about 45 minutes north of Detroit. Here in Washington we have one of our three retreat houses. With 95 acres of property to roam and explore, a great spiritual direction staff, and a cool whippet who's always looking for attention, this place is always nice to visit. I told the candidates that before making a decision, I talked to the director about having a 3 day retreat to really clear my head and assess my next move in life. I ended up not taking that retreat, but I think I found the right answer, regardless.

After returning to CHI from Detroit, and then to MKE, I am glad to be back in my room, listening to my music, while typing on my laptop. But each time I travel to the different ministries of the Capuchins, I'm reminded of one very important thing: each friary is my home.

As a brother (well, still technically a Postulant) my home is wherever a friary exists. My stuff might be at one friary, my office may be at another, my mail might even go to a third; but in each of those places I am invited to participate in the community just like here. There are moments in my reflection where I realize how wonderful it is to live this religious life: knowing that no matter where I go, I have a place to go and family waiting to share a laugh.

Obviously I was leading up to something big with the last few posts. It seems that things have changed a little, so I had to re-evaluate my plans.

My original idea was to walk to Chicago. Partly as a pilgrimage, partly as a way to transition from one life to the next. 150 miles in 6 days; stopping at different churches along the way. In my mind, I'd already thought about the dangers, joys, and possibilities that might arise from such a quest.

For the past month, I've begun training for this walk. If you know me, you know I'm not the most physical guy in the world. Most wouldn't think I could walk 1 mile, most assuredly not 150. However since I've started walking, I do about 4-5 miles each walk. This week I walked home from work and walked back the next morning. Little by little, I'm becoming more active.

However this week a change came about, something we considered but nothing we thought would happen...

I am no longer going to Chicago for my Postulancy. This August the class of postulants have been moved. All 8 of us will now spend the year in Milwaukee, not Chicago.

The reason behind the move is pure logistics. With 8 postulants, 8 post-novices, and 7 professed brothers, 23 people is too big a number for the small friary in Chicago. Perhaps a bigger one needs to be built, perhaps they need to re-assess their setup. Regardless, the problem is still an amiable one: theres too many guy who want to join! (so much for the priest shortage)

Milwaukee actually offers more than Chicago in terms of ministry through the Capuchin Order. In Milwaukee there is the House of Peace, 2 Capuchin parishes, a soup kitchen, prison outreach, and a host of other ministries in the city. By being where the Capuchins are strongest, we have a greater opportunity to work with the other professed brothers and ensure that this is what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

So it's good...and bad.

In my mind, I had envisioned how the next year would go. I'd be living in Chicago, I was learning the area, it was closer to home, I even knew the friary inside and out. This was something new, something I was not accustomed to. It was weird at first; hard to actually digest. I was going somewhere new. I was going somewhere new the first time, but I'd come to terms with the friary...it was my second home.

In retrospect, the move is good for all. One thing I need to leave behind is this notion of what I am used to. The next year will bring many new experiences, some of which I will not be comfortable with. It is time to embrace that which is new and different, and although I have to rethink this idea of a walk, I am happy to serve wherever the Order sends me.

I will still wear my Red Wing's and Lion's jerseys with pride, even if I AM in big cheese country.

Soon after Francis of Assisi received his command to rebuild the Church, he decided to take a pilgrimage to Rome. He walked the 120+ miles from Assisi to Rome in modest clothing. He took no luxuries, he did not ride a steed. He walked the entire way, secure in the knowledge that his pilgrimage was not extravagant.

When he finally arrived at Rome, he did not do the usual sight-seeing as any other tourist. He didn't stay in a hotel, he didn't enjoy a nice meal at a quaint restaurant. He joined the other beggars in Rome as if they were his brothers, and lived amongst the poor his entire time. He had learned to find Christ in the poorest of poor and the most decrepit of lepers; he would not find Christ among the upper class visitors or the rich clergy.

He begged for his meals, sometimes eating the leftovers of some family's dinner. All the alms that he was given he gave to the church; it wasn't that the church needed his small coins from his change purse, but he no longer had a desire for money.

What kind of conversion does it take to go from a life of luxury to one of extreme poverty. Even if one only gives up ownership of needless possessions and luxuries, how does one go from having the world at his fingertips to deciding what is important and what is within his meager budget?

Scholars assume that Francis knew what he wanted to do before he left for Rome, but maybe that journey convinced him of how he was supposed to live his life? Perhaps the 6-7 days it took to walk those 120 miles gave him enough of an insight into himself that by the time he reached Rome, he knew exactly what God was asking of him. Maybe he wasn't even exactly sure; but maybe he had a good idea.

According to the Catholic Church, a pilgrimage is taken for one of three reasons:

1. to make a trip to a place of great religious importance
2. to make a trip for the purposes of healing, either physical or emotional
3. to fulfill an obligation, such as a commandment from God.

While I've go not great place to go, and not in need of healing, I often question what it is I'm being asked to do. Becoming a Capuchin is only the beginning; it is the means to accomplish whatever plan God has in store for me. The scary thing is that at this point in my life, I don't think he has just one thing, but a list of things he wants me to accomplish, either for my good or the good of someone else.

I have 90 days left here in the "free world," however I'm already training for this big change in my life. I think I have something great left to do before I am a Postulant, something that I will remember for the rest of my life. And each night I pray that I have the strength to go through with this journey...

Once there was a young boy who dreamed of being a knight.

His father was a clothing merchant, and he was not of aristocratic blood, so he had very little chance of ever becoming a knight. Yet he saw the men in the shiny armor, he saw how proud they sat on their horses, with their shields held close and their swords hanging from their belt. He saw how people respected these men, how these knights had power, status, and money. He knew that he wanted to be a knight more than anything in the world. If could only do that, he'd make his family proud.

After many years, his father acquired the money to send his son to help reclaim the Holy Land. He spared no expense: his armor was custom built, the breastplate was inlaid with jewels, and his cloak was woven with strings of gold. Dressed in this glorious suit, the man who had once been a boy had achieved his dream, and he basked in the status and the glory he received, knowing one day he would be a prince.

But soon after he set out to join his comrades at arms, he had a dream. Sleeping heartily, fulfilled in life and sure that he was impressing others with his status and wealth, he had a dream that changed his life.

"Who can give you more? The master or the servant?" the voice in his dream asked of him.
"The master," he responded.
"Then why do you abandoning the master for the servant and the prince for the vassal?"

Realizing that he was having a conversation with God, he asked: "What do wish me to do, Lord?"

"Return home, and you will be told what you must do."

What went through the boy's head as he headed home, giving up his dream of status and power? Was he disappointed to be within grasp of glory, only to be commanded elsewhere? What he exuberant to be free of the desires for worldly possessions? What went through his mind as he returned?

Perhaps there was no great catharsis as he returned to his home, having failed to accomplish the goal that the others had found lofty. Perhaps in that time he spent, walking home after selling his armor (he couldn't come home with his armor pristine), he simply learned how to transition one life following a dream into another life of following his Calling. If this child's return tells us anything, it's that we can be called even when we're not ready...even when we've got our own plans. Sometimes it takes a huge change and some time in contemplation to really understand.

The young man would walk farther distances as he tried to understand where God was commanding him to work. But that's another story for another day.

I've considered ending this blog after being accepted. By no means is my journey over; there's another 6 or 7 years before taking any permanent vows. In life, our times are divided into different chapters. These chapters are the building blocks of our lives as we travel from one life-changing event to the next. When we turn the last page on one part of our lives, we begin a new story.

By receiving the call last Friday and being accepted as a Postulant, a significant part of my mind has been put at ease: the part that quietly told me how I wasn't good enough. This vocation, this journey, is no longer a dream; it has become real. Because of this I see myself changing, I can even feel it, in everything I say or do. I think the days of "Vito the salesman" are coming to a close, and with it I will end this tale.

But before this story is over, there's 103 days left. And I promise, there's plenty of interesting things left to come. I spoke several weeks back of some big news (other than the obvious decision from the Admissions Board of the Capuchins), and I am still debating if I am going through with this "extra" plan. Part of me feels it would merely be an overt display of my faith and serves no real cause. The other part of me feels that I have the opportunity to do something amazing that I will remember for the rest of my life; something that will exemplify this long road.

On May 1, the Admissions Board for the Capuchin Franciscans will convene to review the applications of me and 8 other applicants to this fall's Postulancy class. For everything I've done to get this far in life, I still await the final letter of acceptance. I've known the Capuchins for over a year now, and after all the papers I retrieved and all the forms I've filled out, I have another 10 days to wait and hear the decision of the board.

There's little more I can say about this, other than I am still worried. I know I'm a "shoe in" yet perhaps out of past experience or a need to worry, I'm preparing myself for the good as well as the bad.

10 days until I know about the rest of my life. Honestly I try not to think about it during the day.

God, grant me the strength to accept whatever this life gives me.

Things are still going well for me at the car dealership. Just yesterday, I was here until 10PM. A customer drove from Madison, Wisconsin to Grand Rapids in order to purchase a 1999 Mazda Millenia S.

Last week I wrote about finishing the Vocations Update that the Capuchins have asked the candidates to write for the Order. It was a way for guys like us to introduce ourselves to the rest of the brothers, but a way to express our expectations and desires of why we are applying.

Not only is mine finished, but it has been typed up and is now available at the Capuchin Franciscans web page: http://www.capuchinfranciscans.org

On May 1, the Admissions Board for the Capuchin Franciscans will convene, and I will finally have the last word on my application. 14 days left to worry, hope, and pray.

I know it took a week in the making, but pictures can often tell a better story than simple words, and I patiently awaited pictures of the event to share with everyone else. Thanks a lot to Brother Vince for sending me the whole DVD of pics.

Friday afternoon I left Grand Rapids and headed around the lake to Burlington, Wisconsin. Ironically enough, I never got lost once on the freeways or driving through Chicago; upon entering Burlington, I drove around for 20 minutes, unable to find the Novitiate house.

It was good to see some of my fellow brothers-to-be once again, but it was nice to meet so many new faces that were interested in learning more about the Order. The number that I'd been told these past few months was 8: out of 14 applications, they were "pretty sure" 8 would actually be a Postulant this year: myself, Parker, Rich, Dan, Stan, Quang, Quan, and Kyle. However we're still 4 months away, and many more people could come and go between that time.

After catching up and getting some food inside of us, Mass was held for the last summer: the official start of the Triduum Retreat. Jeff, the Novice Director, was the celebrant for the Holy Thursday Mass.



One thing I never participated in with Holy Thursday: the washing of the feet. However since this was a religious brotherhood and not a parish, we each took turns as our feet were washed, and we then had the opportunity to wash each other's feet. Again, it was ironic how I was washing the feet of Bill Hugo, the Vocations Director, when a year ago I couldn't believe that I would ever be worthy enough for a religious vocation.



After Mass, we all had a great time in the common room: talking, sharing stories, playing games. I had to remind myself that I was on retreat since I was having so much fun. My idea of a retreat was being silent, solemn, and introspective...not laughing and spending time with others.

After morning prayer, we had a seminar lead by Helmut Rakowski, O.F.M. Cap. (Yes, you pronounce his name how it sounds; yes, he knows what it means in English.) A great guy with a great sense of humor, Helmut is the Director for Capuchin Solidarity - an interesting title to hold.



Helmut explained his role in the Order as he talked about Franciscan spirituality and the idea of sister-brotherhood held by all Franciscans. He talked on how Jesus did not just bring a new covenant, rather He gave the established religion something radically different: the inclusion of women, preaching to the Samaritans, care for the poor and those disassociated with society. He challenged the idea of "chosen people" by showing how all people were children of God.

That afternoon, we returned to the chapel for Good Friday services.





That night after evening prayer, we did what any group of guys would ordinarily do: released pent-up testosterone in a show of competition! One of the large halls had been gutted out, carpeted, and was now used as an indoor soccer/volleyball/football field. Pitting the home-team novitiates against the Postulants/Candidates, we spent hours playing soccer that night. I wow'ed the crowd with my Dominic Hasek style of goal-keeping, however seasoned pros like Tony from the Australian province made quick work of me when isolated 1-on-1.

Saturday we spent in seminars again, listening as Helmut talked more about the Franciscan Spirituality as well as the mission of the Order. Much of what he talked on Friday and Saturday connected with what I was feeling with regards to the Capuchins. With the main charism being Fraternity, I understood the mission to treat everyone, family, friends, professed brothers, people I hated, all as my brothers and sisters - a task easier talked about than lived. Yet that was exactly what Jesus spoke of.

Long have I talked about this idea of becoming a hero, but I never was sure how I was going to be someone important when it came to a religious vocation. What I learned and what I pondered on that day was the that by choosing to live the Capuchin life, I was already affecting change in the world.



That evening, I helped the choir for the Easter Vigil. It was a magnificent ceremony, and I hardly noticed the 3.5 hours that passed. I felt at home with my brothers; content in the understanding that if this is where God was leading me, I could happily live this life.




Parker and Stan participate as Lectors during the Easter Vigil.


Dan Anholzer, the Provincial for the St. Joseph province, was the celebrant for the Easter Vigil ceremony. I think he kinda looks like Drew Carey with the crew cut and glasses, but don't tell him I said so...I don't want to get kicked out of the Capuchins before I even get in!

More news, highlights, and zany fun as my days continue to count down until August 17. Stay tuned!

The day after Easter, I find myself back in the saddle after spending the entire Triduum weekend in Burlington, Wisconsin with the Capuchin Noviciates. I'd expound on the weekend more, however I'm waiting for pictures to share the experience with everyone. There was singing, prayer, soccer, snowball fights, faith sharing, and most of all fraternity. I'll give a detailed account as soon as possible.

A funny thing happened this morning: I realized I didn't miss my life in the "real world." While it was good to be back amongst people, I realized that when I go home tonight, there would be no brothers to share my day with, no one to tease as we make dinner, no one to share evening prayer with.

I realized I would miss my brothers. Perhaps I didn't need to wait to become a Capuchin. In my heart, I already belonged. It is 146 days until Postulancy begins (I realized that August 1st wasn't the start date, rather August 17th) and I can't wait to live with community once again.

Tonight, if there's enough time after work, I plan on buying a book of the Divine Office so I can pray the Liturgy of the Hours every morning and evening. While I may not be chanting canticles with anyone else, I'll know that my brothers are doing so.

This morning I leave for Burlington, Wisconsin to spend the Triduum Weekend with the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Joseph province. This will be one of the last requirements for applying to the Order. When I leave Grand Rapids, I will bring all of the required documents, forms, and doctor's reports that were asked. After this weekend everything is completely in God's hands as to whether or not I'll be accepted.

Often I try to compare it to joining college, since it's the only experience that comes close. The recruiter knows me well, I've visited the campus several times, I've met my possible classmates already, and I already know which dorm room I would get if I attended. The last and final formality is the acceptance. At college, it's done by an Admissions Board. It is much the same in the Capuchin Order, except the Head of the Province has the final say on who joins and who doesn't.

While there are many other colleges that await an anxious high-school graduate, to be turned down by the Capuchins would feel far more devastating. Admissions boards look at GPA, extra-curricular activities, your essays, and the evaluation of the recruiter. In a religious order or a diocese, the Provincial or Bishop must also discern what God's plan is for each applicant and whether or not this is where God is actually pointing us. Sounds like quite the task...understanding and acting on God's wishes for another.

I am nervous, but I am happy with where my life is now. I realized that the goal of this road wasn't just about becoming a priest at all costs, but to understand God's place for me, and simply to travel the road with my spirituality as a more important part of my life. If indeed God is pointing me in the direction of the Capuchins, I pray that God share that bit of info with the Head of the Order. If not, I will keep traveling this long road.

Since I am leaving for the weekend, I will most likely not post again until after Easter. Until then, I leave you all with the most appropriate song for this Holy Week. God Bless and have a wonderful Easter.

I have less than $3000 left to pay in total debt, with a little more than 4 months to go until the start of Postulancy. While the Order has already told me they would help with some of the medical bills, I'm still doing everything I can to be paid off before entering.

As I look back through some of my earlier blogs about my debt, I find it interesting how the actual amount keeps fluctuating. Last year at this time, my total debt $6500. Yet I've spend almost $8000 on nothing but bills and past debt. Now, I've found every little bill and debt, and I merely need to pay off the rest to be done and ready to go.

One of those bills I mentioned before; I have an old ambulance bill that no one wanted to collect on. I did everything I could to contact the creditor, yet I couldn't call, email, or fax. In a last ditch effort, I wrote up a business letter. The order said they felt I did everything proper to try and find the creditor, but if I could not get it paid, that would be fine.

This weekend, I got a letter back. I'd found the creditor, and they said they were "more than happy to set up payment arrangements with me."

$3000 seems like so little money, especially now that I'm selling cars once again. I only work until Wednesday this week; Thursday I leave for Wisconsin for the Triduum Retreat Weekend with the Capuchins. Even with the short work week, I'm estimating I'll make $850. I have a dentist's appointment before I leave for Wisconsin (cost: $200) and I have rent coming up as well ($250).

Perhaps it's part of the plan that my life has gone "there and back again." This time around, I'm interested in money only to the extent of paying off my personal debts before entering the Postulancy. I feel more at ease with customers, I'm less stressed, and even though this is a temporary job, I feel that I am doing the best I can for Bossman and his business.

137 days, and $3000 to go!

I've started counting backwards now from when the Postulancy begins in the fall. 21 weeks is all that is left of me being on the "outside." 21 weeks to finish paying off $1600 in debt. 21 weeks to get my affairs in order. 21 weeks to prepare myself for a year of community living, soul searching, and ministry.

It's funny...all this time I wanted to hurry up and be in the Order; now I'm feeling nervous. Am I ready to share my life with 9 other guys as well as the other professed brothers in the friary? Am I still doing this for the right reasons? What if I meet a woman between now and then?

The Order requires all paperwork to be submitted no later than March 3tTh. I still have transcripts that need to be sent, a dental exam to take, and I need to get a notarized affidavit regarding my personal debts. Simple letters that need to be sent, except my mother's printer decided to take a dump and now I think I'll have to email my friend a few .doc files to help me out.

My days are pretty much the same at this point: I practice guitar, I do housework, I work at the poker room. On Fridays I help at God's Kitchen, On Sunday's I spent most of the day at church. I pay on my bills, I network with other people, and I offer myself to anyone in need...whatever that means.

Perhaps now that my life has settled into a rhythm, time is moving faster and faster. Near Christmas I couldn't wait to get closer to August 1. Now, I wish I had just another month to get everything in order.

Oh how the time flies.

I've been excited about this for over a year. But for the first time in my life, I think I'm not just getting nervous. I might be getting a little scared.

Once again, I have a trip planned to Chicago this weekend. It seems like I commute back and forth twice a month; I'm already calling it my "second home." In actuality I do very little in the city. Most of my time is spent at St. Clare's Friary on Archer and Damen Ave. The few times that I do go out into the city, one of the friars or postulants are the guide.

The same will happen this weekend, as my visit is less about visiting and more about testing. This is the weekend I've been dreading: the one on one with the psychologist.

I was asked a few months ago if I'd ever had psych testing before. I answered no. Later I remembered that I in fact did seee a pyschologist when I was a kid, and that the experience was so embarrassing and awkward, I'd simply forgotten it ever happened. Even now, I cannot remember all of the "sessions," but I remember enough to still be wary of what's to come.

When I was around 11 or 12, my mom took me to the Vera French Center in Davenport, IA. They called themselves "counsellors," but I knew what they really were. I don't think there was anything wrong with me except being a pre-teenage boy going through puberty, and I think my mom acted more out of ignorance than concern for any real issue. It's also why I don't think it lasted longer than six months.

I believe it started with a few dumb things that kids do at that age: I'd taken money from my mom' secret hiding place, I was a latch-key kid as my mom worked odd hours to bring home money, and somehow I'd found a Playboy or two outside and my mom found my secret hiding place (one thing I always wondered: why do people leave porno mags outside?).

I definately wasn't an angel, but it was nothing out of the ordinary by today's standards. I don't think my mom was used to that kind of activity. My family comes from migrants and a culture where those things are unheard of. I think she was startled, didn't know what to do, and shot for the strongest solution she could find.

Initially I talked to an older gentleman and a woman. Both of them were very nice and smiled a lot as they asked their questions. They talked down to me a somewhat, but I imagined they worked with kids much younger than I, and this was the "getting to know" phase. I wasn't offended. They asked questions about what I thought of myself, about my friends, my sexuality, if I liked school. They never asked anything intrusive like: "How many animals have you killed in the past month?" or anything outrageous. I felt comfortable talking with them, and I think if the experience had ended there, all would be good.

After that session, they asked if I wanted to continue to see someone. Aha! I thought to myself. If there was something wrong with me, they wouldn't have asked, they would have scheduled me for more visits. They seemed like nice people, weren't really too agressive in trying to "figure me out," so I said I would come back to visit again.

Big mistake.

I don't remember the name of the doctor I saw after that, nor do I remember him ever smiling. I do remember being asked lots of questions in a small room, sitting in a wooden chair, and giving quick yes/no answers to him as my fingers traced over the arms of the chair. I remember awkward silences as he sat staring at me, as if trying to examine me. Any time he tried to start a conversation, it dissolved quickly. Something about him either intimidated me or just told me not to open up to this guy. I remember one snippet of a conversation:

Shrink: "Do you like to tell jokes?
Me: "Sure."
Shrink: "Can you tell me a joke?"
Me. (after long pause) "I can't think of any."

After six months (a session a month), he started spending more time talking to my mom than me. Without knowing it at the time, my ability to shut down and put of the emotional wall kept the psychologist from either finding anything wrong with me, or not considering it worth the trouble to continue working with me. Mom and I never had any issues after that, and I've never had to see a counsellor since. I think my "issues" were not so much a mental concern, but the product of being from a single-parent family, and I think a father-figure would have helped more than a therapist during that stage of life.

The one thing that scares me about this visit is that I won't be the same shy kid I used to be. In fact, I'll talk about any and everything to everyone. Hell, I'm talking about a repressed memory from my childhood with random people over the InterWeb. What is my fear? That he'll find something wrong with me.

Again, I don't think I'm much different from anyone else in this world. Sure I have my own issues to work out, personal quirks to tweak; I am far from perfect by anyone's standards. I just worry about how "abnormal" I'm allowed to be before the shrink starts to think "Hey this guy might be an issue."

God's gotten me through my worries of debt and self-worthiness. I pray He helps me get through this weekend.

I truly truly truly apologize to my readers for not being present during the week. It's currently 1AM Saturday morning, and I've finally gotten time where I'm not dead tired or running out somewhere to write down an update of my crazy life.

(me pictured with another Capuchin Candidate. This pic is entitled: "Meet My New Catholic Friend")

After having fun in Chicago with the Capuchins, Monday was a day of getting back to work. My job loss two weeks ago was more like a demotion: I was still working at the same location but again as a dealer, not as a pitboss. I still had feelings of anger, revenge, and bitterness for some of the other people who worked there. Yet I knew that I was lucky to even have a job available, and even luckier to have a boss willing to give me another option while I continued to work until August 1st.

While I wanted to present a better image, a side that showed I was not angry nor upset, a poker dealer isn't hidden away. I will still deal with the same people I've dealt with for the past year. They knew me first as a dealer, they got to know me again as a pitboss, and they will see me again as a dealer. The questions, the inquiries, the rumors that must have already started before walking in the door...it all seemed a little unbearable.

I walked in the door of the poker room early, meeting one of the other pitbosses. He seemed surprised to see me; he was out of the loop on what happened and where I'd been in the last two weeks. I told him only that I was no longer a pitboss, I was here to be a dealer again, and that I was taking my time to further pursue my goal of becoming a Capuchin Postulant in the fall. Thankfully, he read between the lines and didn't ask me any further questions about it.

As people filtered in that Monday evening, I realized the best way to stay out of the spotlight was to be busy at work. I opened the first table and dealt nonstop for 3.5 hours (most dealers get a break each hour). I got the occasional "You're dealing again, Vito!" I responded in kind: "Yes, I am!" For those that lightly asked about my status as a dealer, I told them the same story as I'd told the other pitboss: I was taking more time to focus on my discernment for the Capuchins. Instantly everyone would ask: "What is a Capuchin?" and I told people about my calling while successfully diverting the topic of conversation away from my status as a dealer (an old trick I remembered from selling cars.)

Others wanted to know more. Still, I was light-hearted in my discussions. "Well it's a long story, and I can't talk without using my hands. So either I can deal cards or I can tell you this really long story. My guess is you wanna play some poker." This would get laughs, and people took the subtle hint that Vito didn't want to talk about it.

Of course, there was the nosy individual who came to my table as I was dealing and started asking me invasive questions: "How come you are dealing? Pitbosses can't deal. You're not a pitboss anymore? Why?"

I tried to keep answers short as I continued to deal cards, however I couldn't get this person to understand that I didn't want to talk. Finally, as they were begging me for information, I stopped mid-hand and looked up at him with the "look of death":

"This is neither the time nor the place for this discussion. Do you catch my drift?"

In unison, everyone at the poker table turned up to look at the other person, awaiting a response. Realizing they looked like a total ass, they apologized and left the table.

From that point on, few have tried to ask about what happened. Most are content to leave me with my personal business, however I use the opportunity to spread the news about my calling, my faith, and ultimately my plans for becoming a Capuchin. Even today, as I dealt cards to people I've known for a year, no one dares ask me directly about what happened. They are content to see me again, and happy to have me at the table (unless they lose a lot of money).

The one thing that gets me through the impending workplace drama is understanding others. It's human nature to want to know, to figure out what happened. It's also human nature to understand when we're being intrusive into someone else's life. Rather than fighting against a rumor mill, I've embraced that mill and filled it with information I wish to be spread: Vito is a man of God and plans on becoming a religious brother.

Now if I could only work something out with these pesky bill collectors...but that's a post for another day. =)

Having spent the weekend in Chicago with the Capuchin brothers, I feel refreshed and renewed about the task ahead, the debt I need to pay, and what my life will be like in less than six months. I learned several things about the Postulancy, Pre-Noviciate, and the Noviciate. Also I had a chance to meet some of the other candidates who have applied and would be in my Postulancy class.

I see why I wanted to just get to August 1. Not because I wanted to simply run away from my problems, but because the desire to live in community, to share my faith and knowledge with brothers, to live that consecrated life, and to know that everything I am doing is because of my devotion to God. Yet not everything about community happens within the 4 walls of the friary. Here are a few of the things I learned about Capuchin living:

1. We are all brothers and sisters, creatures created from God. That means I am as connected with my family as with people I don't know, as with the Earth, the wind, the stars....everything. This is the basis of Franciscan theology: God created all things, and we share that bond with everything.
2. We also share another bond with Christians, as we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the Capuchin's firm stance in the Church, the ministry and outreach it does, as well as prayer and Mass.
3. In the Capuchin community, all are considered brothers without title. There is no "Father" or "Brother," just "Vito" or "Bill." Even the Postulants, guys who are just starting the community life are considered Capuchins, and have the privilege of being included on some (not all) decisions within the province. As such, postulants are allowed to sign their name with the O.F.M. Cap Post., indicating they are Capuchin, yet still a Postulant.

I learned a host of other things about the order, yet those were some of the ones that stuck out in my head. I will be headed back to Chicago in 2 weeks to do the psychological testing required for entering a religious vocation, Diocesan or Religious Order. I'm kind of daunted by the idea of someone poking at my memories, but it's all part of the process.

I've also been commissioned to write a Vocation Update for the Order. Each month they send out a bulletin regarding Capuchin life, vocations, and what's happening inside the province. You can look through past updates here.

Tomorrow I leave again to visit the Capuchin Franciscans in Chicago, the Order and Province I hope to join this fall. It is a Pre-Postulancy Weekend, meaning that people who are seriously thinking about joining, as well as people who are just slightly interested or new to their vocational call, will all be together to learn about the order, it's history, and what it truly means to be a Capuchin Friar.

I do enjoy these types of weekends because I feel like the "veteran" discerner. I'm what they call a second-career candidate, meaning I didn't just come out of college and that I've "lived" before listening to my calling. Because of my unique situation, I offer a different viewpoint to the other guys coming out of high school or college and considering joining the Capuchins. That view allows me to see people from a different perspective, and often I get a different response from the friars than the other candidates.

I feel that if I eventually make it into the Order, I would like to do something in the Vocations Office. It's an exciting and confusing time for men and women as they figure out exactly where God is calling them. To be there during that time, to be a part of that calling, is interesting to me.

I leave tomorrow around 1 AM (weather permitting) and will make it in time to enjoy a fish dinner at the friary. I won't be back until Monday, when I start dealing again at the poker room after a two week vacation from being the pitboss. Will that ever be a weird and awkward situation!

Have a good weekend.