Even though I've been in the city for a few weeks, yesterday was our first real "introduction" to the city of Chicago. It's important to know the history of where you live as well as the history of the people who live there. As a way to get us started, we a trip downtown on a beautiful day.
Showing posts with label Life as a Novice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life as a Novice. Show all posts
With 10 days left of Novitiate, I know I'll be taking a break from blogging for about a month. My schedule from now until the end of August is already filling up, not the least of which is my profession date on July 31st.
But before going on break, I know there are many people that wanted me to put my Novitiate year in some form of perspective - to give understanding to year that is spent to allow people the time, space, and support to discern their call to religious life. While I can't speak for everyone else here in my Novitiate, nor for the guys who decided to leave during the year, I can do my best to explain what the Novitiate year has meant to me.
But before going on break, I know there are many people that wanted me to put my Novitiate year in some form of perspective - to give understanding to year that is spent to allow people the time, space, and support to discern their call to religious life. While I can't speak for everyone else here in my Novitiate, nor for the guys who decided to leave during the year, I can do my best to explain what the Novitiate year has meant to me.
So like most terms, there's a desire to "check out." In high school we called it "Senior-itis." The year's almost done; we're almost out of here; let's just coast the rest of the way.
But is that the best way to spend the most unique year of my life?
As the Novitiate year comes to an end (71 days to go!), my third and final evaluation takes center stage. I am required to write personal evaluation of my time here as well as several evalutions of my peers here in the community. Evaluations are done a lot differently than my days selling cars, but I still get anxious about the process.
Back at the car lot, my progress meetings were held monthly. I remember days just sitting in my manager's office dreading the same speech every time: "So how do you think we can improve these numbers?" For many years my value was determined by a spreadsheet that figured in the number of cars I sold, the amount of calls I made, number of appointments, profit on each car, etc. The list goes on. And no matter how good or bad the numbers were, there was always room for improvement.
Even looking back, I find it hard to find fault with this kind of evaluation. Hard work and performance equals success. Success equals freedom and security for yourself and your family. Success means that you can get everything you need and some of the things you want.
As a self-confessed Type 3 on the Enneagram, I still value my self by what I do. I remember my apprehension with evaluations because I felt still feel that my work defines who I am. It's a hard aspect of my life to deal with, and American society promotes the Type 3 personality type: The Achiever. Just taking a look at my Postulancy Evaluation from 2008 shows how much of a salesman I still am.
Thankfully the evaluation system for religious formation focuses on much more than just numbers. I'm encouraged to look at myself and seek out my own areas of strength and weakness. I'm challenged to look at the commitment of vows, express my understanding of those vows, and discuss how I intend to live that life. I am judged as a human being rather than by the work I do. I am offered suggestions and accolades based on my past evaluations.
But it's hard to think differently after you've learned to hate episodes like evaluations. So while I write my evaluation and take time to think about what I've done through the year, I'll have to try very hard not to define my life as a Capuchin only by my skills, my gifts, and my accomplishments.
If you're interested to learn about your personality type, go to enneagraminstitute.com. If you don't have the money to take the RHETI test online, check out your local library for more books on the subject.
Back at the car lot, my progress meetings were held monthly. I remember days just sitting in my manager's office dreading the same speech every time: "So how do you think we can improve these numbers?" For many years my value was determined by a spreadsheet that figured in the number of cars I sold, the amount of calls I made, number of appointments, profit on each car, etc. The list goes on. And no matter how good or bad the numbers were, there was always room for improvement.
Even looking back, I find it hard to find fault with this kind of evaluation. Hard work and performance equals success. Success equals freedom and security for yourself and your family. Success means that you can get everything you need and some of the things you want.
Thankfully the evaluation system for religious formation focuses on much more than just numbers. I'm encouraged to look at myself and seek out my own areas of strength and weakness. I'm challenged to look at the commitment of vows, express my understanding of those vows, and discuss how I intend to live that life. I am judged as a human being rather than by the work I do. I am offered suggestions and accolades based on my past evaluations.
But it's hard to think differently after you've learned to hate episodes like evaluations. So while I write my evaluation and take time to think about what I've done through the year, I'll have to try very hard not to define my life as a Capuchin only by my skills, my gifts, and my accomplishments.
If you're interested to learn about your personality type, go to enneagraminstitute.com. If you don't have the money to take the RHETI test online, check out your local library for more books on the subject.
A few days ago, I was (abruptly) asked for my insight regarding the abuse scandals of the Church. I didn't feel I knew enough about the topic and I didn't want my personal statements to be interpreted as that of my entire order. But reflecting on the fact that I am a friar and seek to build relationships, and that I have a voice in this vast blogosphere, I slowly found the words to articulate my thoughts. I was also inspired by the words of Davide Russo, a young Italian seminarian. Regardless of what you may think, know that my statements are rooted in my faith, my commitment to being a Capuchin, and the words of Jesus to love one another.(John 13:34) Peace. -V
As a member of the Roman Catholic Church (by my baptism, not just by my vocation as a religious friar) I experience the Church as a Sacrament; I am part of a salvation message, a flock, to spread to the prophetic teachings of Jesus Christ. These are the words of my Church (Lumen Gentium) , and it's something I profess each day a baptized member of this Body.
Similarly, when the Church is weakened because of scandal, abuse, or any other sins of It's members (or attempts to hide those transgressions), I am also weakened. I want to defensive. I want to think that others are attacking me or persecuting me. I want to shout the words of the psalm: Will you be angry with us forever, drag out your anger for all generations?(Ps 85:6)
But in the depth of my heart, I know my "sufferings" will never amount to those who've been abused, harmed, or kept quiet. Rather than seek martyrdom, I think it's best to seek forgiveness and to do penance. Francis of Assisi saw penance as a means of conversion - a way to open our hearts and better perform our roles as disciples of Christ.
For my part, I pray for those who've been harmed by the Church. As we are trained to prevent and identify signs of abuse, I make sure people aren't put into situations that could allow a predator to take advantage of a child. I try to be honest and transparent in my interactions with those I minister to. And in everything, I try to love as Francis did.
If people are angry, if they lack trust in the Catholic Church institution, if they wish to say mean or hateful things, it is because the Church, my Church, has done wrong. That is my cross to bear as a religious and as a member of the Catholic Church. But it is a cross of penance, not persecution. As a Capuchin I am called to seek a life of penance, to make peace with others, and to reflect the love of God to others.
As a member of the Roman Catholic Church (by my baptism, not just by my vocation as a religious friar) I experience the Church as a Sacrament; I am part of a salvation message, a flock, to spread to the prophetic teachings of Jesus Christ. These are the words of my Church (Lumen Gentium) , and it's something I profess each day a baptized member of this Body.
Similarly, when the Church is weakened because of scandal, abuse, or any other sins of It's members (or attempts to hide those transgressions), I am also weakened. I want to defensive. I want to think that others are attacking me or persecuting me. I want to shout the words of the psalm: Will you be angry with us forever, drag out your anger for all generations?(Ps 85:6)
But in the depth of my heart, I know my "sufferings" will never amount to those who've been abused, harmed, or kept quiet. Rather than seek martyrdom, I think it's best to seek forgiveness and to do penance. Francis of Assisi saw penance as a means of conversion - a way to open our hearts and better perform our roles as disciples of Christ.
For my part, I pray for those who've been harmed by the Church. As we are trained to prevent and identify signs of abuse, I make sure people aren't put into situations that could allow a predator to take advantage of a child. I try to be honest and transparent in my interactions with those I minister to. And in everything, I try to love as Francis did.
If people are angry, if they lack trust in the Catholic Church institution, if they wish to say mean or hateful things, it is because the Church, my Church, has done wrong. That is my cross to bear as a religious and as a member of the Catholic Church. But it is a cross of penance, not persecution. As a Capuchin I am called to seek a life of penance, to make peace with others, and to reflect the love of God to others.
At all times, moved by the spirit of conversion and renewal, let us devote ourselves to works of penance according to the Rule and Constitutions and, as God inspires us, so that the paschal mystery of Christ may be more and more at work within us. -Capuchin Constitutions 102:3
While it is still the Easter Season, I realize I've taken a while to post the many pictures of the Triduum celebration when I went back to my home province in Calvary, Wisconsin. Sorry for the delays, as I tend to find other things to fill up my time. Remember that if you're looking for more pictures from the Triduum retreat, they can always be found at the Vocations Update Page.
The yearly Triduum Retreat in our province is an opportunity for candidates, friars in formation, Cap Corps members, and other members/affiliates of the province to get together for a spiritual and exciting time together during Triduum. For me it was an opportunity to reunite with my home province after spending so many months away at Novitiate.
However the retreat isn't just about connecting and having a good time. Fr. Gianluigi Pasquale, OFM Cap. was our presenter for the weekend, and presented some very interesting thoughts for reflection during the several seminars that weekend.
Of course the Easter Triduum is a liturgical period from Holy Thursday until the Easter Vigil. The following are various photos from the different liturgies. Note: Since the Holy Thursday Mass and Procession involved the student body of St. Lawrence Minor Seminary, pictures of that Liturgy are not listed, per our policy regarding minors and the internet. Thanks for understanding. -V
Again, if you want to see more pictures, be sure to check out our provincial Vocations website at http://www.capuchinfranciscans.org/.
Formation Row: Mitch, me, and next year's novices MJ and Stephen.
However the retreat isn't just about connecting and having a good time. Fr. Gianluigi Pasquale, OFM Cap. was our presenter for the weekend, and presented some very interesting thoughts for reflection during the several seminars that weekend.
Gianluigi shows off a doodle made by Br. David Hirt, post-novice.
Of course the Easter Triduum is a liturgical period from Holy Thursday until the Easter Vigil. The following are various photos from the different liturgies. Note: Since the Holy Thursday Mass and Procession involved the student body of St. Lawrence Minor Seminary, pictures of that Liturgy are not listed, per our policy regarding minors and the internet. Thanks for understanding. -V
Morning prayer in the chapel at St. Lawrence Seminary
Veneration on Good Friday.
Future novice MJ and Cap Corps volunteer Christina serve as acolytes for the Easter Vigil.
Again, if you want to see more pictures, be sure to check out our provincial Vocations website at http://www.capuchinfranciscans.org/.
Last weekend was spent cleaning, primping, and making the Novitiate pretty for the arrival of the Minister General: Mauro Jöhri.
Coming from a business background, a visit from "the big guy" is usually an occasion for worry and CYA. However the General's visit wasn't to yell about how we were doing things wrong, rather he wanted to visit the North American & Pacific Capuchin Conference (NAPCC) novitiate. The collaborative model that we use to bring together novices from different provinces in the US, Canada, and the Pacific is a model that Mauro supports, and wanted not just to see how it was going, but to get our input about the experience.
So rather than coming in and raising hell, we had a nice sit down discussion with the Minister General where he asked about our personal experiences being in novitiate under the NAPCC model.
A great aspect of being a Capuchin is that even our leaders don't take themselves too seriously. While his words were translated from Italian (his second language) into English, you could still feel that Mauro did not want to be treated as "someone above," that he had a good sense of humor and of fraternity, and that while his task of being the Minister General was very serious, he didn't take himself too seriously. This is an aspect of Capuchin life that I am proud to be a part of.
He stayed only for a day, but I did manage to pin him down for a photo op:
Coming from a business background, a visit from "the big guy" is usually an occasion for worry and CYA. However the General's visit wasn't to yell about how we were doing things wrong, rather he wanted to visit the North American & Pacific Capuchin Conference (NAPCC) novitiate. The collaborative model that we use to bring together novices from different provinces in the US, Canada, and the Pacific is a model that Mauro supports, and wanted not just to see how it was going, but to get our input about the experience.
So rather than coming in and raising hell, we had a nice sit down discussion with the Minister General where he asked about our personal experiences being in novitiate under the NAPCC model.
A great aspect of being a Capuchin is that even our leaders don't take themselves too seriously. While his words were translated from Italian (his second language) into English, you could still feel that Mauro did not want to be treated as "someone above," that he had a good sense of humor and of fraternity, and that while his task of being the Minister General was very serious, he didn't take himself too seriously. This is an aspect of Capuchin life that I am proud to be a part of.
He stayed only for a day, but I did manage to pin him down for a photo op:
Not to be outdone, Br. Erik asked Mauro to take a picture of the two of us.
It's good to be a Capuchin friar!
Sorry I haven't written more. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer and really trying to figure out where I am right now. There have been times this past week I've felt stretched: between being a novice in Pittsburgh and being a friar in Chicago; between being a "Father" at a church and being a "Father" as a parental role; between defining myself by what I do and defining myself by the journey I'm taking.
All of this is deep, and perhaps someday when they ask me to write my memoirs of Religious Life I'll write it. But as of late, I've been keeping a lot of thoughts between me and my directors who can help me sort through things.
However I'm starting to fall back into the swing of Novitiate. St. Catherine of Sweden here in Pittsburgh is having a Garage Sale to drive money, and I'm trying to finish a Wall Rosary for them to sell. I'm still studying up on my math to prepare for the placement test I'll have to take in the fall. And a few of us were asked to play music at a Catholic Underground event here in Pittsburgh...an event that's had me practicing (and sometimes stressed) until we play on Saturday.
I still need to get pictures up from Triduum in Milwaukee. Give me some time as I get back into the swing of blogging, especially after taking the long break for Lent.
All of this is deep, and perhaps someday when they ask me to write my memoirs of Religious Life I'll write it. But as of late, I've been keeping a lot of thoughts between me and my directors who can help me sort through things.
However I'm starting to fall back into the swing of Novitiate. St. Catherine of Sweden here in Pittsburgh is having a Garage Sale to drive money, and I'm trying to finish a Wall Rosary for them to sell. I'm still studying up on my math to prepare for the placement test I'll have to take in the fall. And a few of us were asked to play music at a Catholic Underground event here in Pittsburgh...an event that's had me practicing (and sometimes stressed) until we play on Saturday.
I still need to get pictures up from Triduum in Milwaukee. Give me some time as I get back into the swing of blogging, especially after taking the long break for Lent.
99 days left of Novitiate. It seems so close, yet so far.
I should explain up fron that there's a difference between my vocation and my focus. In my prayer and my thoughts I am happy at the thought of taking first vows this summer. I enjoy Morning Prayer & Mass with the commmunity (even if I'm not a morning person), and when people ask me where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, I answer: "As a Capuchin." I have no fear of losing my calling to be a friar, priest, and whatever else God has in store for me.
But I wonder about my focus. I'm having trouble being present to the Novitiate Program lately. The chance to go home (I already talk about Chicago & Milwaukee as home) for Easter has a huge effect on me. It reminded me of the ministries and encounters that got me initially fired up about being a Capuchin. I got to see friars from my province, friars who pray for my success and perseverence. It is a warm feeling to have so many people rooting for you; it's like having your own cheering section.
The drive back from Chicago to Pittsburgh was tough. I felt like an inmate who got 4 days leave. The days were wonderful, but I had to deal with the hurt of going back to Pittsburgh and leave everyone behind. I don't know that I've mentally returned here to Novitiate. I dont know that I completely ever will.
Another big factor in my life has been reconnectiong with my daughter. There are a lot of emotions here, and despite my usually habit of "diving in," we've been taking things slow. This time around I have the support of other fathers (with their own adult daughters), spiritual advisors, and plenty of psychologists (there are plenty in the Order). I feel better equipped to talk to this 19 year old woman who still calls me Dad. By talking openly about our thoughts and establishing good boundaries, I feel I can be a positive influence in her life.
There are those who worry, and I acknowledge their concerns. Some know the story of my break-up with my ex, others experienced it. But I think there's a part of me, maybe the part that never knew my own father or had anyone willing to take up the job, that considers it a gift from God to hear: "You are and always will be my Dad." Is that me being responsible? Idealistic? Am I trying to prove that I'm better than the man that fathered me? These are the things I talk to God about.
I think these events are both positives and can help me be a better friar. I just need to get my head back in the game.
I should explain up fron that there's a difference between my vocation and my focus. In my prayer and my thoughts I am happy at the thought of taking first vows this summer. I enjoy Morning Prayer & Mass with the commmunity (even if I'm not a morning person), and when people ask me where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, I answer: "As a Capuchin." I have no fear of losing my calling to be a friar, priest, and whatever else God has in store for me.
But I wonder about my focus. I'm having trouble being present to the Novitiate Program lately. The chance to go home (I already talk about Chicago & Milwaukee as home) for Easter has a huge effect on me. It reminded me of the ministries and encounters that got me initially fired up about being a Capuchin. I got to see friars from my province, friars who pray for my success and perseverence. It is a warm feeling to have so many people rooting for you; it's like having your own cheering section.
The drive back from Chicago to Pittsburgh was tough. I felt like an inmate who got 4 days leave. The days were wonderful, but I had to deal with the hurt of going back to Pittsburgh and leave everyone behind. I don't know that I've mentally returned here to Novitiate. I dont know that I completely ever will.
Another big factor in my life has been reconnectiong with my daughter. There are a lot of emotions here, and despite my usually habit of "diving in," we've been taking things slow. This time around I have the support of other fathers (with their own adult daughters), spiritual advisors, and plenty of psychologists (there are plenty in the Order). I feel better equipped to talk to this 19 year old woman who still calls me Dad. By talking openly about our thoughts and establishing good boundaries, I feel I can be a positive influence in her life.
There are those who worry, and I acknowledge their concerns. Some know the story of my break-up with my ex, others experienced it. But I think there's a part of me, maybe the part that never knew my own father or had anyone willing to take up the job, that considers it a gift from God to hear: "You are and always will be my Dad." Is that me being responsible? Idealistic? Am I trying to prove that I'm better than the man that fathered me? These are the things I talk to God about.
I think these events are both positives and can help me be a better friar. I just need to get my head back in the game.
Sorry there's not more to tell. I just got back from Milwaukee and Chicago for the Easter weekend. Quite honestly, after experiencing the warmth and the comfortability of my home province, I found it very hard to come back to Pittsburgh.
But there's about 3 months left of Novitiate and then I go back to Chicago. I'm excited about the possibilities in ministry and the future that I have with the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Joseph Province. I just need a little perseverence to get through the time.
Peace and a Joyous Easter to everyone. I'll post more about the trip soon!
But there's about 3 months left of Novitiate and then I go back to Chicago. I'm excited about the possibilities in ministry and the future that I have with the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Joseph Province. I just need a little perseverence to get through the time.
Peace and a Joyous Easter to everyone. I'll post more about the trip soon!
Week three into my Internet fast, and I'm still struggling to stay away from being online. Like I mentioned last week, there are many needs that are met through email and research online. Yet it seems that staying away altogether would be a better option than trying accessing the internet and actively trying to stay off Facebook or Twitter.And, of course, this seems to be the time when I need to be online the most.
This week I got my first ever college rejection letter. Even in high school, I was accepted to each school I applied to (granted I only applied to schools I knew I'd get into last time). It shouldn't be surprising: I was a huge slacker in college, and I'm amazed I they didn't laugh at my transcripts! But when I got the letter last week, my ego still took a hit as I read the words: "we regret to say that your application has been declined."
My future isn't completely bleak: I was accepted to St. Xavier University in Chicago before receiving the rejection letter from another college. And because I goofed off/dropped so many classes my first time around, I will have to complete core classes all over again: creative writing, math, history, etc. Part of my problem when I was 18 is that I thought those classes, classes I'd taken in high school, were a waste of my time. Now as I look at my future and entering college again, I'm thankful to take classes I will already have knowledge in...as it will make my transition a lot easier.
I've also worried about how this blog is doing. While I try not to worry about blog hits, links, bounce rates, and the other statistics that Google Analytics tracks, I've noticed a decline in readership that troubles me. I know there are more important things than what my rank is or how many people I'm reaching, but as a task-oriented person, anything that shows "decline" can feel the same as "failure."
On the plus side of all of this, I recognize that I have a lot more time for other things. I've been asked to make another side rosary for a friar, I finished a prayer project I've been working on, I'm trying to write a book (as if writing this blog isn't enough!), and since the weather's getting nice again, I've ready to get the soccer ball out again. I'm playing my guitar a lot more, and realize that I'm actually getting good at it!
Perhaps that is one of God's gifts that I've received from all of this: while I'd love to be connected and working online a lot more, the ability to disconnect and tap into my other gifts and desires is a treasure worth enjoying...especially here in Novitiate.
So many that's what Lent is about. Rather than just giving up something for 40 days that we will continue doing right after Easter, but (like today's Gospel) an opportunity to cultivate and nurture ourselves that will allow us to share our gifts and bear fruit for others long after these forty days are done.
I'll blog again next Saturday; next Sunday we leave for our silent retreat in Wheeling, WV.
As for my rejection letter from college, I decided to save it. Thanks to an idea from my Novice Master, I decided to save it for a later project: my Wall of Humility. In the future, whenever I get too full of myself, I'll have a few things on my Wall of Humility to bring me back down to earth.
Peace,
With so much time spent in prayer, there's a danger of prayer becoming dull. Some days it feels like the words in the Breviary run together, or sometimes I can sit through the Office of Readings and not really "hear" anything said. There are times when I think I can recite the Benedictus in my sleep.
The danger I worry about is letting prayer become something other than communication towards God. If I don't actively take charge of my prayer life, prayer becomes a chore rather than a gift.
One of the prayers I've worked hard to keep is the Confiteor. With a Penitential Act each morning and Examination of Conscience each evening, there are plenty of opportunities to recite the Confiteor. For those of you unfamiliar with the Roman Catholic liturgy, it often goes like this:
Living in such a small and intentional community as the Novitiate House here in Allison Park, I soon realized that there were few occassions of sin that didn't in some way involve one of the other guys I lived with. Whether it was getting upset, forgetting a commitment, etc., being here meant that we were the Recipient as well as the Donor of less-than-brotherly interaction (a nice way of saying what I really mean). Nevertheless, in the beginning or the end of the day, our plea to God to forgive our sins was said in unison with those whom we sinned against. It was a stark difference from being in a church, where I felt it was just me talking to God about my faults.
Recognizing this, I didn't want the Confiteor to be lip service. If I wanted to honestly confess to my brothers that I had sinned, I realized I'd have to do a lot more than just recite the prayer. I found it almost hypocritical to stand across the chapel and see someone whom I was having issues with, asking for their prayers.
Not wanting to think my prayers as hypocritical, I did something the next night that changed my entire prayer experience of the Examination of Conscience...
...I looked the other guys in the eyes as I talked about my faults.
Ordinarily one wouldn't think that reciting a prayer while looking at another would be a huge issue. In prayers of thanksgiving, petition, and blessing, we often look at the focus of our prayer - whether it's the meal we're about to eat, the person in the hospital bead, or the couple that's been married for 50+ years. Looking and praying isn't beyond our capabilities.
But I looked at my brothers as I told them how I had sinned by my own fault. I realize that God is the one who forgives, yet there is a humbling sense to admit fault and wrongdoing to another person. And when the prayer had finished, I wondered why I felt more embarassed to express my shortcomings to my brothers than to my Creator..."whom I should love above all things."
Understanding how I present my sins to God soon became a topic for contemplative meditation. Recognizing God's over-abundant love and grace, I wanted to understand how I could better open myself, in a sense of humility and love, to that love and grace. I realized that this question arose out of a desire 1. to connect at a deeper level with my prayer and 2. to build a better relationship with my brothers, even when I wanted to put bleach in their laundry! (just kidding guys...I know you read this too!)
With those thoughts, I continued this practice of looking at the other friars during the Confiteor -acknowledging my failings and asking for their prayers for me. It was (and still is) a humbling experience, but I soon realized I wasn't alone in this slightly unnerving practice. As I exchanged glances with the other friars, they would look away, look down, or close their eyes - probably experiencing some of those same anxieties as I was.
Yet as time has progressed, I can see that others have picked up on what I'm doing, and are mindful to look back at me. I see it as a testimony of how willfully entering into the experience of prayer can effect others. I don't know that it's cause me less occassions to sin, but I realize that I'm willing to be open and honest to my brothers and to my God about what errors I've made - an important task in a Religious Order that looks so much for transparency.
Thanks to the other guys for posing for me!
The danger I worry about is letting prayer become something other than communication towards God. If I don't actively take charge of my prayer life, prayer becomes a chore rather than a gift.
One of the prayers I've worked hard to keep is the Confiteor. With a Penitential Act each morning and Examination of Conscience each evening, there are plenty of opportunities to recite the Confiteor. For those of you unfamiliar with the Roman Catholic liturgy, it often goes like this:
I confess, to Almighty God
and you, my brothers and sisters*
that I have sinned through my own fault.
In my thoughts and in my words
in what I have done
and what I have failed to do.
And I ask the Blessed Mary ever Virgin
All the Angels and Saints
and you, my brothers and sisters
to pray for me to the Lord our God.
*(since we're a men's community, we only say "brothers.")
Living in such a small and intentional community as the Novitiate House here in Allison Park, I soon realized that there were few occassions of sin that didn't in some way involve one of the other guys I lived with. Whether it was getting upset, forgetting a commitment, etc., being here meant that we were the Recipient as well as the Donor of less-than-brotherly interaction (a nice way of saying what I really mean). Nevertheless, in the beginning or the end of the day, our plea to God to forgive our sins was said in unison with those whom we sinned against. It was a stark difference from being in a church, where I felt it was just me talking to God about my faults.
Recognizing this, I didn't want the Confiteor to be lip service. If I wanted to honestly confess to my brothers that I had sinned, I realized I'd have to do a lot more than just recite the prayer. I found it almost hypocritical to stand across the chapel and see someone whom I was having issues with, asking for their prayers.
Not wanting to think my prayers as hypocritical, I did something the next night that changed my entire prayer experience of the Examination of Conscience...
...I looked the other guys in the eyes as I talked about my faults.
Ordinarily one wouldn't think that reciting a prayer while looking at another would be a huge issue. In prayers of thanksgiving, petition, and blessing, we often look at the focus of our prayer - whether it's the meal we're about to eat, the person in the hospital bead, or the couple that's been married for 50+ years. Looking and praying isn't beyond our capabilities.
But I looked at my brothers as I told them how I had sinned by my own fault. I realize that God is the one who forgives, yet there is a humbling sense to admit fault and wrongdoing to another person. And when the prayer had finished, I wondered why I felt more embarassed to express my shortcomings to my brothers than to my Creator..."whom I should love above all things."
Understanding how I present my sins to God soon became a topic for contemplative meditation. Recognizing God's over-abundant love and grace, I wanted to understand how I could better open myself, in a sense of humility and love, to that love and grace. I realized that this question arose out of a desire 1. to connect at a deeper level with my prayer and 2. to build a better relationship with my brothers, even when I wanted to put bleach in their laundry! (just kidding guys...I know you read this too!)
With those thoughts, I continued this practice of looking at the other friars during the Confiteor -acknowledging my failings and asking for their prayers for me. It was (and still is) a humbling experience, but I soon realized I wasn't alone in this slightly unnerving practice. As I exchanged glances with the other friars, they would look away, look down, or close their eyes - probably experiencing some of those same anxieties as I was.
Yet as time has progressed, I can see that others have picked up on what I'm doing, and are mindful to look back at me. I see it as a testimony of how willfully entering into the experience of prayer can effect others. I don't know that it's cause me less occassions to sin, but I realize that I'm willing to be open and honest to my brothers and to my God about what errors I've made - an important task in a Religious Order that looks so much for transparency.
Thanks to the other guys for posing for me!
Friday afternoon was the preparing for the storm. People left work early. Notices on the television continued to run about future closings. Weather announcers exchanged predictions about exactly how much snow would fall.
While the exact amount is still being debated, one account says that Pittsburgh only got 5 inches of snow. But as you can see from the pictures, it was a lot more than that.
So rather than write a long, boring post about how much snow actually fell, I just took pictures as a way of getting out of shoveling snow. Enjoy.
So rather than write a long, boring post about how much snow actually fell, I just took pictures as a way of getting out of shoveling snow. Enjoy.
Here, brothers Matthew Anselmi, Nathaniel Santos, Brian Stacy, and Ken Cole stop and pose for a group shot. I tried to get more of the novices in the picture, but they were inside being lazy fulfilling other roles this morning!
Anthony stops from his effort to get through the 12" of snow on the driveway to get to the road.
Matthew Janescko, author of the blog New Sandals, poses after losing a snow fight and ending up face first in a snow bank.
Not to be thought of as a "slouch," I got evidence of me actually working before going off and taking everyone's picture.
Now that we're past the halfway point of our Canonical year, we've kinda gotten into a routine with chores, prayer, etc. Learning to get into those routines provided plenty of amusement for us (and plenty of headaches for the Novitiate formators). While no one's been kicked out (yet) for doing anything stupid, there's a good list of candidates already!
With the help of the other Novices, I compiled the top ten reasons we got yelled at in the first part of Novitiate. No one really yelled, but since I've heard many of these admonitions from my mother when I was a kid, the experience is easily paralleled.
Enjoy, and remember that 21 guys living together in community is a recipe forcomedy trouble.
10. Be careful! Since we've been here, we've managed to break a lot of stuff. The tractor's been broke about 4 times, doors fall apart, tiles come off the floor, toilets stop working, and that's just the top of the list. Mysteriously, no one knows how anything got broke!
9. Clean up the bathroom. With 21 guys, you'd think the bathroom situation wouldn't require much attention. Yet there is a beautiful absurdity when you go into the restroom and see an empty roll of toilet paper on the roll but an economy size bundle of toilet paper sitting on the floor just under it.
8. Act civilized at the dinner table. Remember that scene from Doubt where the silent meal of the sisters is contrasted with the loud, crude, and boistrous meal the priests are having? Sometimes we are as loud as those priests...sans the drinks and smoking at the dinner table!
7. Finish everything off. Capuchins have a wonderful charism of leaving 2 drops of milk in a container and putting it back into the fridge
for another friar to find. But that charism also extends to leftovers (something we always have with so many mouths to feed). However while the leftovers are eaten, no one down-sizes the container. Sometimes we have a serving of chicken sitting in a large container made for an entire turkey.
6. Check the disposal. The description of this one is better than anything I could make up: "If the garbage disposal is making a really loud noise, turn off the disposal. Then, check to make sure that nothing that shouldn't be in there isn't."
5. Put stuff back where it belongs. We have a cook that makes the meals during the week. Because she knows where everything belongs (more than we ever will) she can get frustrated when we put stuff back in the wrong place. We've been told to just leave things out if we don't know where they go, but in our attempt to be helpful, we sometimes put things back in the wrong spot.
4. Make sure you Music Folder is in order. Before any concert or solemnity, Fr. Gerard tells the schola (repeately) to put their folders in order so there isn't a bunch of page-turning during Mass/Prayer. Inevitably, someone "forgets" to do this and they spend half the time searching for the next song they're supposed to sing.
3. Hang up your habits. Again, the description from the Formator is better than anything I can ever write: "I don't know what's happening; perhaps some novices are just spontaneously combusting. But whenever I go into the Rec Room, I see a habit sitting on the couch. And all I can think is: 'What happened to the novice that was sitting inside it? Surely he would have hung it up if he took it off.'" Sarcasm is quite abundant here in Allison Park.
2. Don't bug the librarian. We have a library under the house, and one of the Novices works as the librarian for books checked out. However with new books coming in, and in an attempt to switch from the Duey Decimal system to the New System, a librarian comes in sometimes to help with that conversion. It seems like a simple request, but when you're stuck in one place and have to see the same 20 faces everyday/all day, new fpeople can become swamped by questions.
1. Take down the lights.Trying to leave the lights up until later in the year, we tried to rename the "Christmas lights" as "Ordinary Time lights." While we thought this to be a great idea, the Formators weren't interested.
175 days to go! (even though I said I wasn't counting)
With the help of the other Novices, I compiled the top ten reasons we got yelled at in the first part of Novitiate. No one really yelled, but since I've heard many of these admonitions from my mother when I was a kid, the experience is easily paralleled.
Enjoy, and remember that 21 guys living together in community is a recipe for
10. Be careful! Since we've been here, we've managed to break a lot of stuff. The tractor's been broke about 4 times, doors fall apart, tiles come off the floor, toilets stop working, and that's just the top of the list. Mysteriously, no one knows how anything got broke!
9. Clean up the bathroom. With 21 guys, you'd think the bathroom situation wouldn't require much attention. Yet there is a beautiful absurdity when you go into the restroom and see an empty roll of toilet paper on the roll but an economy size bundle of toilet paper sitting on the floor just under it.
8. Act civilized at the dinner table. Remember that scene from Doubt where the silent meal of the sisters is contrasted with the loud, crude, and boistrous meal the priests are having? Sometimes we are as loud as those priests...sans the drinks and smoking at the dinner table!
7. Finish everything off. Capuchins have a wonderful charism of leaving 2 drops of milk in a container and putting it back into the fridge
for another friar to find. But that charism also extends to leftovers (something we always have with so many mouths to feed). However while the leftovers are eaten, no one down-sizes the container. Sometimes we have a serving of chicken sitting in a large container made for an entire turkey.
6. Check the disposal. The description of this one is better than anything I could make up: "If the garbage disposal is making a really loud noise, turn off the disposal. Then, check to make sure that nothing that shouldn't be in there isn't."
5. Put stuff back where it belongs. We have a cook that makes the meals during the week. Because she knows where everything belongs (more than we ever will) she can get frustrated when we put stuff back in the wrong place. We've been told to just leave things out if we don't know where they go, but in our attempt to be helpful, we sometimes put things back in the wrong spot.
4. Make sure you Music Folder is in order. Before any concert or solemnity, Fr. Gerard tells the schola (repeately) to put their folders in order so there isn't a bunch of page-turning during Mass/Prayer. Inevitably, someone "forgets" to do this and they spend half the time searching for the next song they're supposed to sing.
3. Hang up your habits. Again, the description from the Formator is better than anything I can ever write: "I don't know what's happening; perhaps some novices are just spontaneously combusting. But whenever I go into the Rec Room, I see a habit sitting on the couch. And all I can think is: 'What happened to the novice that was sitting inside it? Surely he would have hung it up if he took it off.'" Sarcasm is quite abundant here in Allison Park.
2. Don't bug the librarian. We have a library under the house, and one of the Novices works as the librarian for books checked out. However with new books coming in, and in an attempt to switch from the Duey Decimal system to the New System, a librarian comes in sometimes to help with that conversion. It seems like a simple request, but when you're stuck in one place and have to see the same 20 faces everyday/all day, new fpeople can become swamped by questions.
1. Take down the lights.Trying to leave the lights up until later in the year, we tried to rename the "Christmas lights" as "Ordinary Time lights." While we thought this to be a great idea, the Formators weren't interested.
175 days to go! (even though I said I wasn't counting)
For some, there is the desire to start marking off the days until Novitiate is done...similar to how someone might count the days until they're released from prison. Perhaps there exists some level of anxiety that parallels these two experiences. For me, there are times I just want to get home.
What is unique and telling about my life in discernment and formation is that "home" means something very different. For me, "going home" is about getting back to my province in the Mid-West, getting settled into the post-novitiate house in Chicago, and starting work on studies and specific ministries. The experience of working in the car business - spending long hours at work, putting in extra time to complete a task, etc. - is an example of who I am. I'm excited about working again (be it school work or ministry); I think I've started to find the balance from my old "Work Hard, Play Hard" mentality.
I certainly don't want to diminish the growth and prayerful experience I've had in these first six months (8, if you count the two months spent in Victoria, KS). I've read more about prayer, theology, spirituality, papal documents, Canon Law, etc. than I ever thought I would. The benefit of having the time to process all these different things as well as having the support and feedback of numerous friars is an experience that I can't truly convey in a single post. Six months into this life, and I realize that I will never have another year like this in my life.
So while I had a "Countdown Till Postulancy" years ago on my blog, I won't be counting the days until First Profession. I realize that this time is precious (even if I miss being away from my family, friends, and my province) and the best thing I can do as an aspiring friar is to soak in everything, learn all I possibly can, and keep praying for my and my brothers' vocations.
And in the meantime, we'll find new ways to deal with all the snow.
With Thanksgiving approaching, it's been six months since I left Chicago as a Postulant. While I wasn't invested as a Novice until the end of July, the guys here try to forget sometimes forget the two months of preparation spent in Victoria, Kansas.
For the most part I've settled into the routine. Our usual schedule looks like this:
I pass the time with a lot of reading. Currently I'm trying to finish several books: Death of the Messiah by Raymond Brown, Thy Will Be Done by Michael Crosby, The Medallin Documents of 1968, Woman and the Word by Heather Hitchcock, Women and the Word by Sandra Schnieder, and a book of sudoku puzzles to keep my mind sharp. I realize that trying to read all these books at the same time is an exercise in futility, but I guess there are worse compulsions than hoarding books.
For the most part I'm doing well here in Novitiate. My recent evaluation was great, although there is concern of this blog taking up too much of my thoughts and prayer time. I find I'm sleepy a lot lately, but otherwise I'm taking full advantage of this Novitiate year.
Perhaps it will ease my mind that my mother has returned to work. There's still no guarantee that she'll keep her job with Michigan's economy the way it is, but her shoulder is healing and she says she's able to do her job. Thank you for all your prayers.
Have a great Thanksgiving. I will be taking some time away from the blog for the holiday. However several friars have agreed to contribute for the 4 Sundays of Advent. So if you're looking for reflections for this Advent season, stay tuned.
Peace,
Br. Vito
For the most part I've settled into the routine. Our usual schedule looks like this:
6:30 - Morning Prayer & MeditationEven the occasional variations for ministry, Days of Recollection, birthdays, etc. don't phase me anymore. For better or worse, the weeks blend together - so much so that I can forget what day of the week it is. While I don't like it when time moves so fast, I realize that if the days were dragging it would be a sign that I hated it here.
7:20 - Eucharist
8:00 - Breakfast
9:30 - Class
11:30 - Midday Prayer
11:45 - Lunch
1:00-3:00 - Work Projects
4:00 - Rest/Exercise/Recreation
4:45 - Evening Prayer & Meditation
5:30 - Office of Readings
5:50 - Dinner
7:30 - Prayerful Silence
8:45 - Night Prayer
9:00 - Community Recreation
For the most part I'm doing well here in Novitiate. My recent evaluation was great, although there is concern of this blog taking up too much of my thoughts and prayer time. I find I'm sleepy a lot lately, but otherwise I'm taking full advantage of this Novitiate year.
Perhaps it will ease my mind that my mother has returned to work. There's still no guarantee that she'll keep her job with Michigan's economy the way it is, but her shoulder is healing and she says she's able to do her job. Thank you for all your prayers.
Have a great Thanksgiving. I will be taking some time away from the blog for the holiday. However several friars have agreed to contribute for the 4 Sundays of Advent. So if you're looking for reflections for this Advent season, stay tuned.
Peace,
Br. Vito
Talking about my life as a Capuchin would be incomplete without a serious look at the vow of poverty. Moreso than most other orders, the life of poverty is closely identified with the founder: Francis of Assisi. It is not only our way of life, it is an expectation others have of us as friars.
Yet for almost 800 years people have struggled with this life, trying to concretly define Francis' intentions while making them applicable to the modern day. Even here in Novitiate we sometimes disagree on what it is to live poverty - whether it's about buying things (like my Under Armor shirt, which was an excellent investment by the way), the use of funds and things we have access to, or the caretaking of current holdings (applicances, vehicles, musical instruments).
The understanding of poverty is an integral part of my Novitiate year. I highly doubt I'll have figured out poverty by next July, yet I realize there are several goals that should be achieved by then (along with the other vows):
- To learn the history of poverty as defined by Francis' Rule and our Constitutions and to understand how it has changed since the 13th Century.
- To develop a personal understanding of a life of poverty.
- To live poverty as a way to "enter the experience of the poor."
- To synthesize all this and seriously ask myself if I am able to live this life.
Thankfully I'm not left to my own devices here. The novitiate formators have already started encouraging dialogue, assigned readings, and had us present material in these areas.
Throughout the rest of this Novitiate year, I will have a series entitled: Choosing Poverty. These will be reflections on how we learn to live a life of poverty as Capuchin friars, in the context of Christology formed by Francis, passed down to his brothers, and lived through the history of the Friars Minor.
My hope is to cover such topics as:
Through Francis' Eyes-A look at the poor and humble Christ through the lens of St. Francis and how it shaped his Rule and our Capuchin Constitutions.
Worlds Collide-A reflection on my first day of Postulancy, my meeting of a homeless person on the side of the highway, and how it shaped my understanding of poverty, much like Francis' experience with the leper.
The Order Struggles-Looking at the history of the Frairs Minor and the divisions caused by defining poverty...eventually leading to several splits.
Poor By Living Poverty-Coming from a poor, single-parent family receiving government aid, I have a unique look at how poverty is lived as a Capuchin, and how it sometimes separates me from others in the community.
Walk With Me-Reflections on working with the homeless in Milwaukee. I talk about entering their experience, overcoming fear, and developing a "preferential love for the poor."
I hope, Dear Readers, you will be encouraged to follow my journey.
While there's not much a bunch of guys secluded from the rest of the world can do to celebrate Halloween, we're still having a good time here in Novitiate. (I jokingly asked the novice master about attending "The hugest Halloween party in Pittsburgh" tonight. I was told: "You can do whatever you want...just realize that every decision has consequences." After a little discernment, I decided I would not go out to the club.)
Mom made a card out of an old picture she found of me. I put it up for a bit of humility. I remember one of the guys asking: "Who's the littler girl in the picture?"
Halloween was a new experience for the Aussies as well. I try not to treat them as tourists, however the experience of this holiday has too much to miss out on. Pictured above were Kieran, John, and Jude carving pumpkins. Not knowing what to do with the "pumpkin guts" and seeing me with a camera, this pic is of me ducking while they threw pumpkin innards at me.
Mom made a card out of an old picture she found of me. I put it up for a bit of humility. I remember one of the guys asking: "Who's the littler girl in the picture?"
Halloween was a new experience for the Aussies as well. I try not to treat them as tourists, however the experience of this holiday has too much to miss out on. Pictured above were Kieran, John, and Jude carving pumpkins. Not knowing what to do with the "pumpkin guts" and seeing me with a camera, this pic is of me ducking while they threw pumpkin innards at me.
Last but not least, two of the guys made a special Halloween cake - meticulously crafted and swiftly consumed by the community!
Probably more important than than the actual holiday is that we have 3 months completed of the Novitiate year (366 days). There is always the fear that days will become mundane, routine, and that we will lose that fire that got us here in the first place. For the many blessings that are fruits of this year of prayer and contemplation, the removal from the world is its own unique experience...a "dying to our old lives" for lack of a better metaphor.
Have a safe holiday, and remember to pray for vocations tomorrow for All Saint's Day!
As a way for me to share my Novitiate experience with people, I decided I'd start to talk about the many people I live with. Some are more willing to share than others (since "anything goes" here in this format). My hope is that by meeting some of the people I live with in my community (smart, holy, crazy, etc.), you may better understand this aspect of living.
When I think about warm, heart-felt, and caring preachers, one of the first names that always comes to my mind is Fr. Gerard O'Dempsey. A loving friar with a "heart of gold," Fr. Gerard is one of the three friars on the Formation team here at Novitiate. After lovingly guiding two previous classes of Novices, Fr. Gerard is still that same cheery friar he's always been.Fr. Gerard is from the Australian province, and brings his exotic flavor to the experience of being a novice. After asking to be on the Novitiate Formation Team, Fr. Gerard continues to remain a formator, saying: "What the hell else am I supposed to do?" The secret to his success as a formator is simple. In his own words: "Religious life draws a lot of crazy people, why would I miss out on all this fun!?"
Fr. Gerard's specialty is Liturgy. For us, that means we're able to understand specific aspects of the liturgies we celebrate, do them properly, and recognize the tradition(s) and theology behind each of them. He also is an excellent musician and a wonderful singer.
But most importantly he is the musical director for the Novitiate. In keeping with the mandate that future religious learn music and it's role in Litugy, Fr. Gerard not only directs the schola, but also teaches voice lessons, piano, and other instruments. Since being here, I can actually carry a tune and sing most hymns. I also sing the psalm once a month...a task I'd never been able to accomplish without the tutorledge of Fr. Gerard. Even though he would throw things at me if I sang off-key (pencils, song books, insults, etc.), that negative reinforcement has turned me into the singer I am today!
In all seriousness, Fr. Gerard brings a much needed sense of absurdity to the formation of religious life. While the formators are obviously worried about us doing what is reverant, proper, and in accordance with the history and tradition of our Order, Fr. Gerard makes sure we don't take ourselves too seriously, or that we don't forget the virtues and the reasons behind what we do and how we live.
Today as he served a Mass in dedication to the local firefighters, he shared this little story with the congregation at St. Alexis:
"While reading about St. Florian, patron of figherfighters, I found this German prayer:
"Literally this translates to: 'Oh holy St. Florian, save my home. Light up someone elses.' Keep that little gem in your mind on your drive home."O heiliger St. Florian, verschon mein Haus, zünd andre an.
Fr. Gerard O'Dempsey: turning the Novitiate into his personal form of amusement since 2007.
One of the greatest differences between a religious and diocesan vocation is the community. I've mentioned before how many diocesans, due to shrinking numbers, spend time alone (or separated from other clergy) while religious priests have a commitment to an Order, physical or otherwise. Check out my columns on What is Religious Life? for more info. For me I've found this to be a great benefit as well as a great joy to experience.
...but every now and then, community life gets a little frustrating.
Francis wrote in his final Testament: "And the Lord gave me brothers, and I knew not what I ought do." This has become my mantra in times of frustration, knowing that Francis surely had the same issues. Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to live with these crazy guys for another 9 months!
Community is an aspect of religious life that can scare people away. Looking only at the surface, it's an extraordinary situation: you're agreeing to live in a Christian community with people you've never met before, who have different cultural backgrounds, with different habits, quirks, compulsions, and ideas on how we should be living. I've met diocesan priests who've said they would never join a religious order when they were discerning their vocation, simply because of this negative aspects of community.
To some extent those people have a point. Community life can be a strain for people. While there are many joys and benefits to living in a community (aside from living a model of community set forth by people like Francis of Assisi, Benedict, Dorothy Day, and others), it requires special gifts from God that not everyone has. Much like living with a spouse, it is a decision that should not be made flippantly or with the concept that one can "change another."
I've lived in community for well over a year now: 9 months in a smaller community in Milwaukee and over 5 months with the large group of guys here in Pittsburgh, PA. While different communities present different challenges, I've recognized three main things that a person needs if they really want to live fruitfully in a community. It should be noted that above all, fraternal love is needed. While I'm sure there are more tricks and tips, my experience has shown me these few gifts that are important to community life...especially if someone is discerning living in a community.
Patience- When I chose to live a Capuchin life, I chose to accept these guys as my brothers, not simply my co-workers or my classmates. Their level of productivity, their educational background, their ability to pay attention in class without making fart noises, etc. is not the yardstick I should use to measure my brothers by. By living the community model of Francis, my goal is: "that when they go out into the world they shall not be quarrelsome or contentious, nor judge others." -Rule of St. Francis
To be present to my brothers requires a certain kind of patience. Not a patience that is condescending or pretentious, rather a philial patience. Even if my brothers don't know how to cook, if they forget to put their empty glasses in the dishwasher, or they leave DVD's out and don't put them in the case... I can respond with love, assistance, and good intention rather than resentment or passive aggressive behavior. It is patience that recognizes our collective short-comings as human beings, and focuses on our strengths rather than our weaknesses.
Presence - Anyone who's lived in community will tell you that there are those who can live with a community, but can be cut off from the group. With different personalities, hobbies, and interests, it's easy for community memebers to slip into a clique mentality. Just like any other social group, people of similar backgrounds and interests tend to stick together. Left unchecked, we can belittle and tease each other.
The challenge of presence in community life is to go beyond the barriers of a clique mentality so we can interact with everyone in the community. In doing this, we extend passed our Capuchin lives in an attempt to be universally present to all. Religious life is not a boys or girls club, a corporate ladder, or institution of learning. Religious life is a commitment to live together, even when we tend to fall back into traditional social roles.
Honesty - While it makes sense that a Christian community require honesty as a requirement, what I am referring to is much more than "not lying."
First of all, I live with an open sense of transparency in my community. Just as if I were living with a spouse, my life needs to be proportionally open to the other members of my community. To be unusually secretive (especially in areas where others have eagerly shared) can create distrust, suspicion, and even resentment.
Secondly, as a member of a community I have a responsibility to the community as well as to those things we hold in common. To misuse money, to wreck a car, to fail in my committments is to be dishonest in my intentions to live communaly. By agreeing to be a Capuchin, I am putting the needs of the community on par with my needs.
Thirdly, being part of a community means that there are different levels of communication and trust. Some discussions are considered external forum while others can be considered internal forum. If a brother Novice tells me about a troubling moment in his life, a story between the two of us, it is understood that his story remains between the two of us until he chooses otherwise. Wrecklessly divulging information about community members is the easiest way to create havoc while simultaneously destroying all levels of trust.
Lastly, and definately not least, is the ability to be honest about issues in need of discussion. If one of my brothers is doing something that is completely unnerving, it's my responsibility to talk to him and be honest about what I am feeling. If someone is doing something that has a negative effect on me, it is important that I bring that issue up in discussion. If I bottle it up inside, I become resentful, annoyed at everyone, and want to lash out in unhealthy and destructive ways: a state of mind that is no good for any kind of relationship.
Don't let me fool you: just because I've written these three things doesn't mean I've mastered the art of community life! (Not by a longshot!) There are days that I require my solitude, where one or more of my brothers gets on my nerves. It's not a sign of a failing vocation. Spouses that love each other have the same feelings, parents feel the same about their children at times (although they would tell you it's the other way around). The part where love becomes important is when you let those petty things get in the way of the greater joy that exists.
Thanks to my brothers for the visual aids for this blog!
Francis wrote in his final Testament: "And the Lord gave me brothers, and I knew not what I ought do." This has become my mantra in times of frustration, knowing that Francis surely had the same issues. Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to live with these crazy guys for another 9 months!
Community is an aspect of religious life that can scare people away. Looking only at the surface, it's an extraordinary situation: you're agreeing to live in a Christian community with people you've never met before, who have different cultural backgrounds, with different habits, quirks, compulsions, and ideas on how we should be living. I've met diocesan priests who've said they would never join a religious order when they were discerning their vocation, simply because of this negative aspects of community.
I've lived in community for well over a year now: 9 months in a smaller community in Milwaukee and over 5 months with the large group of guys here in Pittsburgh, PA. While different communities present different challenges, I've recognized three main things that a person needs if they really want to live fruitfully in a community. It should be noted that above all, fraternal love is needed. While I'm sure there are more tricks and tips, my experience has shown me these few gifts that are important to community life...especially if someone is discerning living in a community.
Patience- When I chose to live a Capuchin life, I chose to accept these guys as my brothers, not simply my co-workers or my classmates. Their level of productivity, their educational background, their ability to pay attention in class without making fart noises, etc. is not the yardstick I should use to measure my brothers by. By living the community model of Francis, my goal is: "that when they go out into the world they shall not be quarrelsome or contentious, nor judge others." -Rule of St. Francis
To be present to my brothers requires a certain kind of patience. Not a patience that is condescending or pretentious, rather a philial patience. Even if my brothers don't know how to cook, if they forget to put their empty glasses in the dishwasher, or they leave DVD's out and don't put them in the case... I can respond with love, assistance, and good intention rather than resentment or passive aggressive behavior. It is patience that recognizes our collective short-comings as human beings, and focuses on our strengths rather than our weaknesses.
Presence - Anyone who's lived in community will tell you that there are those who can live with a community, but can be cut off from the group. With different personalities, hobbies, and interests, it's easy for community memebers to slip into a clique mentality. Just like any other social group, people of similar backgrounds and interests tend to stick together. Left unchecked, we can belittle and tease each other.
The challenge of presence in community life is to go beyond the barriers of a clique mentality so we can interact with everyone in the community. In doing this, we extend passed our Capuchin lives in an attempt to be universally present to all. Religious life is not a boys or girls club, a corporate ladder, or institution of learning. Religious life is a commitment to live together, even when we tend to fall back into traditional social roles.
Honesty - While it makes sense that a Christian community require honesty as a requirement, what I am referring to is much more than "not lying."
First of all, I live with an open sense of transparency in my community. Just as if I were living with a spouse, my life needs to be proportionally open to the other members of my community. To be unusually secretive (especially in areas where others have eagerly shared) can create distrust, suspicion, and even resentment.
Secondly, as a member of a community I have a responsibility to the community as well as to those things we hold in common. To misuse money, to wreck a car, to fail in my committments is to be dishonest in my intentions to live communaly. By agreeing to be a Capuchin, I am putting the needs of the community on par with my needs.
Thirdly, being part of a community means that there are different levels of communication and trust. Some discussions are considered external forum while others can be considered internal forum. If a brother Novice tells me about a troubling moment in his life, a story between the two of us, it is understood that his story remains between the two of us until he chooses otherwise. Wrecklessly divulging information about community members is the easiest way to create havoc while simultaneously destroying all levels of trust.
Don't let me fool you: just because I've written these three things doesn't mean I've mastered the art of community life! (Not by a longshot!) There are days that I require my solitude, where one or more of my brothers gets on my nerves. It's not a sign of a failing vocation. Spouses that love each other have the same feelings, parents feel the same about their children at times (although they would tell you it's the other way around). The part where love becomes important is when you let those petty things get in the way of the greater joy that exists.
Thanks to my brothers for the visual aids for this blog!