Last Tuesday I had the chance to work at one of our more unique ministries: the bakery. On the Rise Bakery opened in 2009 as an extension of the R.O.P.E. program - sponsored by the Capuchin Soup Kitchen in Detroit. The program provides a place for men, coming out of prison, to deal with issues of substance abuse, anger management, and the life skills to succeed in the world.

Sometimes the life of a religious friar means that you have to turn down great opportunities, even when they come from Rome. 

I was invited to the Bloggers Conference on May 2, a gathering of 150 bloggers to discuss the Church and evangelization in the blogosphere. And while I was selected to attend this very important meeting, I regretfully had to pass. There's still a sinking feeling in my stomach about missing the opportunity, but I am proud to have been considered. And while I won't be able to attend, it's another lesson in what it means to be a friar.

For the first time in many many years, I found myself lying awake...preparing for an exam that would be worth 25% of my total grade. What made the experience so nerve-wracking? 60% of the exam was based on a two-part essay question; I was being graded on my writing ability.

For those of you who've kept hitting the F.A.Q's button on the menu, I've finally gotten around to getting the page up! Sorry about the delay.

I get a lot of questions about my vocation, how everything worked, and how I made it through difficult experiences in my journey. Even when I started blogging four years ago, I wanted to be able to help people going through the same issues I was. Figuring out what God is asking of us can be a tough job; it can be even tougher if we don't know where to seek help. Hopefully by putting up the page, it will give some people access to ask questions while giving them a chance to ask their own.

Enjoy, and never hesitate to ask questions...especially when God's involved. You can either click the F.A.Q button on the menu or click here.

Peace.

The day of my investiture brought to me a greater look at what it actually meant to wear the habit. For the past year, I’d eagerly awaited this day – the way a man in love looks forward to the day he will propose to his loved one. There exists excitement, fear, anticipation, worry, and joy in heart.

Upon arriving in Pennsylvania I had to unpack my habit which had sat in a box for the past 3 months. Since the ceremony wasn’t until 4:30 in the afternoon, I spent most of Sunday washing, drying, and ironing the habit.

As I took the time to iron my habit and chaperon, I was able to reflect on the symbolism of the moment. I felt like a groom preparing the tuxedo he would wear to his wedding. I partly felt like a soldier, preparing his uniform as he prepared to be commissioned to some duty. But most of all, I recognized that the habit that lie in front of me would be an external symbol of my faith. The robe and cord would display my commitment and my vow to live the Gospel in a specific manner. Whether I liked it or not, I would be defined by the garb of my Order.

As I continued to iron I knew that donning the habit meant different things to each of us. Some saw it as a transformative experience. By wearing the robe and cord they felt closer to God and more secure in their discernment of living this life as a religious vocation. Others felt the habit gave them a greater connection to the current friars whom were solemnly professed. While I’d always been treated as a friar in my province (in spite of my obvious Postulant status), others were just now experiencing that fuller sense of brotherhood. By being invested, the now held a greater status within their respective provinces.

Still others recognized that level of status that is attached with the habit, either within the religious community or when in public. Their thought is that the habit does not change who they are. To “over-wear” the habit is a matter of personal pride and possibly a sign of religious elitism.

All these different concepts of this robe raced through my mind as I continued to prepare my habit for the upcoming event. And in all honesty, I spent almost 2 hours ironing, primping, removing lint, and fitting my garb. Yet in the time I took to get out all the wrinkles, perfectly place the knots on my cord, and add the side rosary, I’d understood the importance of being invested and how it would affect my vocation at this point on.

I refused to think that being invested would provide a mystical conversion, yet the wearing of the habit held great importance. The habit is simply cloth; I would never consider it to be anything more than that. However this cloth represents a group of men to whom I have come to love and greatly respect. Starting from St. Francis and continuing down to the friars I’ve met over the years, this habit symbolized some of the holiest, smartest, devout, hard-working, funny, and caring guys I’d ever met. My presence here in Allison Park was a statement that these guys felt I was good enough (called) to be a part of them.

…and part of me wonders if I can ever be as great as the men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.

I realize this desire to be a “great friar” is a construction of my own making – the remnants of a lifetime trying to compete and be the best. Yet since that Sunday when I was first invested, I recognize that I now belong to a group that believes in something great. As corny and simplistic as I think it is, perhaps my challenge this year will be to “Let go, and let God.”

And so begins my year of being a Novice.

With the number of days until postulancy down to double digits, I'm still having a hard time switching my mindset from "sales guy" to "Franciscan guy." I've managed to stay out of the bars, avoid "complex" situations with the opposite sex, maintain a daily prayer life, and I'm far more giving as a salesman.

But while the priorities in my life haven't reverted back to money and status, it's hard to act like a postulant...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act now.

As I sit in front of my notebook, furiously itching the numerous mosquito bites that riddle my body (long story), I realize that even though my goals throughout the day are different, my life will have much the same schedule.

This is my average day now:

6:30-7:00 Get up and take my morning walk.

8:00 Shower after my walk, or if I decided to sleep in, wake up and stumble into the shower.

9:00 Start work at the dealership. Look up emails from autotrader.com, return phone messages, prepare for any closings for that day.

10:00-4:00 Lots of busy work. The occasional customer comes in to buy a car, but much of this time is filled answering phone calls, updating the website, booking cars, paperwork, and dealing with previous customers. While this is considered dull to most people, it's an important part of maintaining a dealership.

5:00-6:30 Rush hour. The lot gets packed with "up's" driving through after work to look at cars. Appointments are often scheduled for this time, and many times I stay after we close at 6 PM.

7:00-9:00 Recreation time. Sometimes this means a few hours at the driving range, fishing with the guys at the river, or playing a game of FIFA 08 on the computer when I get home. This is where I wind down from the day in a constructive manner.

10:00-Midnight Housekeeping. I take the time to straighten up my room, play a little guitar, update my blog, chat with other Catholics, and all the other things I don't do during the day. I attempt to read 3 different books (one about St. Francis, one about spirituality, one about playing poker) and eventually I fall asleep.


As a postulant, here's how I project that my life will be:

6:00 Wake up. Get my blood moving then hop in the shower.

7:00-8:00 Meditation starts at ten after. We gather in silence to be in the presence of the Lord. At 7:15 is morning prayer in accordance with the Daily Roman Missal. At 7:30 is mass. Afterwards we gather for a quick breakfast before we start our day.

9:00-4:00 Depending on the day, this time is spent in class or out in Chicago at a specific ministry. Previous postulants have worked at places such as elderly homes for the poor, schools for inner city kids, hospitals for the mentally challenged, and even prison ministry. I will have the opportunity to chose which ministry to work in during the first month in Chicago. Most of the time is spent doing things most people wouldn't want to do, but this is an important part of the formation process.

5:00 Community time. No, we don't get in a big circle and share our feelings while singing happy songs (although there's no rule that says we CAN'T do that). Brothers return for the day, and time is spent in the common room discussing the day, current events, who's the greatest Halo 3 player, et cetera.

6:00 Evening prayer. We gather again to give thanks for the day, in accordance with the Daily Roman Missal. One or two brothers my be absent from evening prayer as they are preparing the evening meal.

7:00-9:00 Dinnertime. While some eat then return to their rooms, most spend the time to continue talking, joking, etc. A few brothers are scheduled to clean up the table (remember there's 15+ brothers) while the rest either continue talking in the common room or head to their rooms for various activities (watch a movie, play guitar, write their blog, personal prayer.)

10:00-Midnight The day ends, and people wind down in their own ways. I still try to read 3 different books at the same time, and fall asleep to prepare for another day.

Perhaps the change isn't in the activities or even the times, but in the realization that instead of waking up to make money, I will be waking up to make a difference. There is no monthly goal to meet, no cars that need to be pushed, customers to call and verify, prices to negotiate, or gross profit to calculate. And while I can't wait to experience the live that lies ahead, I know I am scared to leave the "successful" way of life behind.

For a deeper understanding of what it's like to live as a postulant, I encourage you to read David's daily blog, found in my list of other blogs.

Tonight I decided to have a little fun for my birthday. After selling a car and getting paid today, I went back to my old haunting grounds for a bit..Ye Olde Poker Room. I decided I wouldn't spend a large amount of money; rather I'd enter the tournament and have several hours of poker fun for $60. I lasted through 3 rounds before I went all in against pocket aces. I left a loser, but I was happy to see many of those faces once again.

Mom made me a cherry cheesecake, something she's done for me since I was 16 years old. I don't remember ever having many birthday parties; maybe because I was always a solitary kid and chose to enjoy my cheesecake alone. Who knows the psychology behind it, but I take breaks between my typing to get a forkful of this delicious cake. Wow, already at 1/4 of it!

Bill Hugo, the Vocations Director for the OFM Caps gave me a call this evening to wish me a happy birthday. He thanked me for coming out to the retreat and let me know that all my paperwork had been submitted for my application to the Order. We talked about a few other things, things I will discuss as we get closer to August, and wished him well.

I'm still waiting for pictures to share with everyone. I know a LOT of pictures were taken, and I am hoping to get some great shots of myself, the postulants, and everyone else having a great time at the Triduum Retreat. If you just can't wait any longer to see my experience over the Easter weekend, the new Capuchin Vocations Update is available for download. Vocations Update.

I will do little in the way of celebration tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but for my birthday is just another day. I turn a little older, I hope I became wiser, and I push forward in my life. Maybe I feel a little distant from other people, or maybe it's a reminder to me that I don't have many close friends.

A birthday is just a day where I'm lucky to get some cheesecake. I just wish I weren't already halfway finished with it!

The only reason I put down the guitar to give a blog update was my mother's complaining I was interrupting her sleep. I know my mother is thrilled to see me pick up my guitar again, however the sound of an acoustic can resonate through walls, and my mother is a light sleeper. I'll be happy when I get my Les Paul (hopefully Monday) when I can practice through my headphones and no one else can hear.

One of the acoustical songs I always wanted to learn was by blues great Stevie Ray Vaughan. I first heard the song in high school, when a buddy gave me a CD of his. It's easy to find guitar tablature for most any song these days, and if you're still confused, youtube usually has people playing the song for you to watch. Technology has made the chore of relearning guitar a lot easier.
I'd just started working through the blues intro when I was "kindly" asked to put the guitar down until the sun rose.

The song has real meaning, especially since the song wasn't written by SRV, but was written about him by another bluesman named Doyle Bramhall. Doyle grew up playing with many other legendary blues rockers in Dallas, TX, yet he seemed to be the guy that was in the back, out of the spotlight. Helping to write songs and music for Stevie Ray and his brother Jimmy Vaughan, Doyle would not put out his own album until after Stevie's death in 1990. It wasn't until after his death that Doyle even heard the recording of his song.

At first listen, it sounds like a blues song about living dry after dealing with booze and drug addiction. It is true that SRV had a problem with whiskey and cocaine during his life, however the song was not written by him. When looked at again from the standpoint of Bramhall, a guy who never was in the limelight, the song takes on a different meaning altogether.

For me, it's a sad song about regret-the regret of not living life to the fullest. The title almost screams that the song is about a drinking problem, but I think the metaphorical meaning is more about living "safely" as opposed to Vaughan who truly lived in the fast lane. It's not a song of jealousy or envy, rather a song of sadness that he chose not to chase the same dreams.

Today Doyle is recognized as one of the staples of the Texas blues scene and can often be seen at the Austin City Limits Festival. He's released several albums to date, some of which have been nominated for a Grammy. On occasion, he will even perform Life By the Drop as a tribute to SRV, since the song was written for him.

I don't know that the song has any huge personal meaning, other than I am happy with where I am, and I am here because I chose to follow my dream. I'm sure if I tried hard enough I could ignore this whole religious life idea and try to live my life like everyone else. I would have nothing to risk, and I could never be let down if I did not have a priestly vocation.

I no longer want to live with any regrets. I still struggle with things I should have done differently in the past, but if I look back on this time in my life, I can live without regret, knowing I followed my dreams. No matter the outcome, I'll always remember this chapter of my life as the time where I gave up everything to follow what I believed in.

Hello there my old friend
Not so long ago it was 'til the end
We played outside in the pouring rain
On our way up the road we started over again

You're living our dreams, oh you on top
My mind is aching, Lord it won't stop
That's how it happened living life by the drop

Up and down that road in our worn out shoes
Talkin bout good things and singing the blues
You went your way and I stayed behind
We both knew it was just a matter of time

You're living our dreams, oh you on top
My mind is aching, Lord it won't stop
That's how it happened living life by the drop

No wasted time we're allowed today
Churning up the past, there's no easier way
Time's been between us, a means to an end
God it's good to be walking together, my friend

Living our dream
My mind stopped aching
That's how it happened living life by the drop.

As always, the song can be found in the media player at the bottom of the page.

Today I stopped being a pitboss at the Poker Room. There are many reasons behind the decision. There are moral issues, issues I have with other dealers and pitbosses, and I have my misplaced sense of complacency. I've wanted to "coast" to August 1. I realize that I won't be allowed to be that lazy.

Many times when you leave a job, there is a huge sense of loss, a sense of worry, and if the break was intense there can be some resentment. My boss, a good man who did a lot for me, felt bad about the decision, but I could understand his point of view. It was a lose/lose situation for both of us, and it was best if I just moved on.

I've already called Bossman at the car dealership. Several times when I was a pitboss, he called me asking me if I ever wanted to sell cars again. They have another sales guy working for them now, and I'm glad for him. My replacement wasn't really the "sales" type, and I was concerned about his prosperity after my leaving.

Most likely, I'll simply return to being a dealer on a full-time basis. There will be some embarrassment, perhaps a little shame. A year ago, I doubt I'd ever show my face in there again. Now, I plan on taking a few days to center myself and refresh some of the important things in my life, use the time the best I can, and return to dealing cards for money. It's not super cash, and I have the extra bills that came in to think about.

Things happen for a reason. I have to be honest enough to realize that I'll never know why my life is as it is, and the courage to accept whatever will happen next.

I've felt like Jack Tripper for the past week and a half. While working at my current job, my future boss has me running across the street for credit applications and to help with customers. I'm eager to get things going at the new place, but I have to work at this job until the 17th. I'm still working at the poker room on the weekends which takes up a lot of my time. They're finally installing the carpeting in the apartment, so when i DO get home, I am packing and moving things.

If I trip over a couch or get hit in the head by a door, I'll give up everything to start working on The New Three's Company.

Mr. Roper isn't around, but instead of pretending to be gay, I pretend to be a seasoned sales manager as I introduce myself to new banks and credit unions. I spoke with Credit Acceptance the other day, and I spent 10 minutes making chit-chat with a guy that was as much a salesman as he was a banker.

I need the 17th to get here before the whole thing comes apart. I spend my lunch at the new dealership. I want the place to be ready when I start next week, but that involves my time to set things up. I'd love to start and just leave this job, but I need a truck to move, and I need steady income for 2 more weeks to handle expenses. (When I move, I will only get paid when I sell a car...something common in my industry.)

One thing I've started, something recommended to me by my Spiritual Director, is that change is a great time to start or reaffirm a new schedule. I've slacked on praying everyday; sometimes I'm just too tired or I get in at three o'clock in the morning. It's an excuse, but a lovely excuse that I can use.

I want to start up my prayer life again, whether I just kneel and speak to God, or I get a daily prayer book. I'm open to any ideas.

Until the 17th, I'll continue to juggle mi vida loca, in hopes that I can have some sense of normalcy. Perhaps this experience is a way for me to really search for God when I most need him.

Perhaps this weekend's Discernment and Music song will be "Come and Knock On Our Door."

/shrug

As I lie in bed last night, reading God's Fool: The Life of Francis Assisi, I experienced that same feeling when I first felt called to the priesthood. It was overwhelming; I had to get out of bed, drink a glass of water, and walk around for 10 minutes. By the grace of God, I was given another moment of clarity.

Prior to my visit to Chicago, I knew very little about St. Francis. I knew he wanted to help the poor, but that was the extent of my knowledge. In fact, I learned very little about Francis while at the St. Clare Friary. I felt at peace amongst the Capuchins, yet I felt ignorant of Franciscan life.

But last night as I read the life of this saint, that clarity helped me spot the next true step of discernment.

My life, while usually simple and meager, has focused around helping those that are poor: not just the impoverished, but those poor in spirit. I enjoy making people smile and laugh, I enjoy inspiring people, and I like to give comfort or companionship to those that feel lonely. St. Francis chose not just to help the poor, but lepers: people who were poor, dejected by society, and felt unworthy of love or sympathy. Where people saw uncleanliness, St. Francis saw God's beauty.

Rather than look for external signs, I looked inside to what I felt and examine the desired that God has given me. I want to help others. I want to make others feel loved, accepted, or even make them feel normal. As I struggled with my own trials and tribulations, I want to give aid and comfort to others. Most of all, I want to smile, laugh, and live in the company of others that share my faith and dedication to the people in need. I want that life so much, I can barely think of anything else.

The next postulant class for the Capuchins starts in August of 2008. By that time, I can have my debt paid off. I will have my name off the apartment lease. I will have money saved up.

I don't know if I'm 100% certain about becoming Brother Vito Martinez O.F.M. Cap., but I think I'm gonna give it a try next year.

I feel so much better having actually said it..."I think I've found my home."

Hi there. My name is Vito Martinez. Mom chose to name me after a Catholic saint, as is the Mexican custom. Mom has always fought for the poor, the underprivileged, and the needy. It's no surprise that many of her traits have passed on to me.

Since October of 2006, I've recognized a calling towards a religious life. I don't know exactly where that calling will lead, but I've done my best to follow it. In that time, I've worked to combine the "me" that is the average guy - plays video games, eats out every night, likes to see a woman in a skirt, talks smack with his friends - with the "me" that has grown in the past year - wakes up early to go to church, says his prayers in the morning and the evening, works to help those in need, willing to give up everything to follow God's plan.

Sometimes the two sides don't get along.

I find talking about my discernment hard for others to comprehend. Some don't understand why someone would give up sex, money, and success to live a "poor and lonely" life. Others feel put off, not knowing how to address me anymore. "Can I still swear around you?" is a common question i hear. It's hard to explain that calling to someone. "Maybe you just need to go to church more. Why do you need to be a priest?" is another one I've heard.

My journey started out as a free fall into an abyss. I was living with a woman who was married to another man. We didn't save money; we lived as hedonists. We told each other we were Christians, but neither of us went to church.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that there were more important things in life. Instead of just arguing about mundane things on the internet, I started reading Aquinas and Origen. While I learned the arguments for Christianity and Catholicism; I learned what it truly meant to be Catholic. At some point, I felt what some describe as the Holy Spirit entering the body. It was this beautiful moment of clarity. I was this explosion in my soul that simply said: "This is not where you should be." I saw a site about the seminary, and it all just made perfect sense.

My girlfriend and I broke up soon after; she refused to believe that someone like me could ever be a priest. It's funny...on some level I want to make up for that mistake and show her that yes, I could be a priest. Even after I gave her all my stuff and paid for all the bills and back rent, I doubt it will ever be enough.

I work two jobs: a car salesman and a poker dealer. In a way, they're the perfect jobs for a prospective priest. I spend all my time with people. I handle conflicts, differences of opinions, and listen to people's problems. I sell cars to people with bad or no credit, and I deal poker for a charitable gaming company. In a way, each job is based in the idea of helping people, and both sides of "me" are fulfilled.

I've spoke with the Dominicans, Capuchins, Benedictines, and my local Diocese. All have asked me to pay off all personal debt and require two years of celibacy before they will consider me for candidacy. That's still a year and a half away, but I can understand the need for those guidelines.

Until then, I'm hoping to find my way on this crazy journey. Struggles, fears, joys, and surprises lie ahead; this blog is my chronicle of that journey.