Seems like a few more guys are interested in telling their journey of discernment and life with the Capuchin friars. I think it's important, especially in a digital world, for discerning people to share their story. I remember when i had a lot of questions, concerns, and even fears about leaving my old life and doing something so different. Hopefully you'll find their stories as enlightening as you've found mine.

Rich Reinhardt is one of my postulant brothers in the same level of formation as I am. He is also the director of the New Sanctuary Movement in Milwaukee, WI as an outreach to immigrants in this city. Working with the grass-roots group Voces De La Frontera, he has done major work in advocating for the cause of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S.

This evening he gave me a fact sheet that addresses many of the concerns that people in this country have about immigrants living in the U.S. borders. I decided to share this with all of you, in hopes that many myths surrounding immigration policy can be shown false and true dialogue can begin on the topic of immigration reform.

Myths and Facts on Immigration

"The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie - deliberate, contrived, and dishonest - but the myth - persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic."
-John F. Kennedy

MYTH: Increased border enforcement is the solution.
FACTS:

1. From 1986 to 1998, border patrol's budget increased six-fold and the number of agents doubled.
2. During the same time period, undocumented immigration doubled.
3. "Tougher enforcement" that pushes people to cross remote desert has lead to a humanitarian crisis on the border.
4. Experts, including the U.S. Government Accountability Office, have concluded that the continual and exponential increase in border-deaths which began the mid-1990's is directly related to an increase in U.S. border enforcement/border militarization. From 1995-2004 between two and three thousand bodies were found along the U.S.-Mexican border.
5. Causes of death for immigrants crossing from Mexico range from exposure and hypothermia to murder by vigilantes.

MYTH: Immigrants don't pay taxes.
FACTS:

1. Immigrants pay income, property, and sales tax using an ITIN (individual tax identification number.)
2. They pay between $90-$140 billion a year in federal, state, and local taxes.
3. They contribute $189 billion worth of wages recorded in the suspense file over the 1990's and two and a half times the amount of 1980's.
4. They contribute $6-$7 billion in Social Security tax revenue and about $1.5 billion in Medicare taxes per year.
5. While, as above, immigrants pay $90-$140 billion in taxes, immigrants receive only $5 billion in benefits, mostly through K-12 public schools and emergency medical care.
6. "Our assumption is that about three-quarters of other-than-legal immigrants pay taxes." (--Stephen C. Goss, Social Security's chief actuary, using the agency's term for undocumented immigrants.)

MYTH: Immigrants take jobs from American workers.

FACTS:

1. Immigrants have no net impact on unemployment rates. In states with the highest concentration of undocumented people there are actually lower unemployment rates.
2. Immigrants help create jobs through consumerism in automotive sales, electronic sales, restaurants, etc.
3. The Pew Hispanic Center has reported that, "Rapid increases in foreign-born population at the state level are not associated with negative effects on the employment of native-born workers.

MYTH: Immigrants don't want to learn English.
FACTS:

1. Demand for English classes at an adult level far exceeds the supply.
2. Within 10 years of arrival, 75% of immigrants speak English well.
3. 98% of Latino/Hispanic immigrants say it is important to teach their children English.
4. The rate at which immigrants today develop proficiency in English mirrors that of 19th and 20th century German, Italian, and Eastern European immigrants.
5. 91% of second-generation immigrants and 97% of third-generation immigrants are fluent or nearly fluent English speakers.

MYTH: Immigrants increase the crime rate.
FACTS:

1. Immigrants commit fewer crimes than native born Americans.
2. From 1994 to 2005 violent crime decreased by 34% and property crime by 32% as the immigrant population doubled.
3. First-generation immigrants are 45% less likely to commit violent crimes than Americanized, third-generation immigrants.

Sources

This fact sheet borrowed heavily from the website of Justice for Immigrants: The Catholic Campaign for Immigration Reform (under USCCB). Their website is www.justiceforimmigrants.org. Most of the original sources can be found there.

www.immigrationpolicy.org/index.php?content=B070201

Yes, today I turned another year older today. I actually celebrated my birthday on Thursday, as we celebrate all events on our community nights. I had plenty of cake (twice), was sung to by many different people, and even had a burly man with a mustache make a comment about birthday spankings. So despite being in religious life on my first birthday, it was pretty normal for me.

My mom and my Godmother called me, both to remind me of the story of when I was born and I was "so little then!"

Maybe I just have other things on my mind this year, but I'm not all that excited about my birthday. I don't fear or loathe aging at all, I just see it as passing time now...another birthday that will occur as I try to decide how to spend the rest of my life.

I appreciate all the well wishes and birthday cards I got this year. While the day wasn't as exciting, I realize that this year is the most time I've ever been wished a happy birthday.

It's almost ironic: I could have cared less about anyone myself only a few years ago. Today I carried on as if it were no more special to me, yet others continued to remind me that I was in their thoughts and prayers on this day.

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with today's blog entry. My postulant brother is a tool; I just wanted to share that with everyone on the internet. =)

The pic does reflect the sense of comfort we've gotten from being here in Milwaukee these past 7 months. It is only within the past few weeks that I've really started to reflect on how this time will soon come to an end.

Friday I spoke with two guests about how I'd soon be leaving for Pre-Novitiate and then Novitiate. They were clearly upset that I would be leaving soon after having only been there for half a year. While I didn't say it, part of me knows I will miss them as well.

In spite of the time winding down, I don't feel that I'm winding down at all in my ministry. I've already started planning events for 2010 when I'll be in another state. I've got people asking me to come speak at events they are holding later on in the year. And within the past week, I've bought about 5 new books for education and reflection.

I knew that the initial formation would be tough to handle, especially with all the moving. However I already miss my ministry at St. Ben's, and I haven't even left yet. Part of me has already considered postponing studies in Divinity so I could return to St. Ben's sooner, even if I do so only as a professed lay brother.

These next few weeks will be tough. I pray for strength, guidance, and wisdom.

For the second time we joined the Chicago community (post-novices) in a day of recollection that's done away from our friaries. The purpose of these days is to take time to really look back on our lives and prepare for the current season. It's also an opportunity for the two communities, both dealing with men in Capuchin formation, to get together and have a good time.

The day is spent mostly in personal reflection, with a speaker who gives us things for us to think about during this time. Some choose to walk outdoors, some read scripture or a book on spirituality. I actually spent most of the time in my room...sitting in the chair and staring at the wall as I was completely lost in contemplation.

We were blessed to have Shelly Roder, director of our Cap Corps program, give the talk in the morning. Shelly has completed a number of accomplishments in her lifetime. She served as the director of the Gubbio Project in San Francisco in the tenderloin district and the St. Boniface homeless shelter. On top of all that, she is a great friend to many of us in the order. She was such a fixture of the community that the Chronicle did an article about her departure.

It was parts of her life that Shelly used for our day of recollection. "Stories" was the theme as she described the power, conviction, and reflection that is contained in each of our life stories. By looking at our lives we understand why we are where we are today. We remind ourselves of what is important when things get confusing. But most of all, our stories are how we show the power of God in our lives.

Shelly used two stories from her life. One was from her time in the Dominican Republic where she served as a volunteer during college. She described the time in a way only a skilled storyteller could. She also talked about her time in San Francisco, about how her family reacted to her changing life, and how she uses those times in her life to help her "stay on track."

It was a wonderful time listening to her speak (even though she and her daughter were over for dinner the day before) and it gave us plenty to think about as we separated for our recollection. Mostly I thought about my life and the things I've written here in my corner of the internet, excerpts from a life trying to figure out exactly what I've been called to do.

There are times when I think I'm writing my memoirs early, so I don't have to do all this when I'm old. Or I think that someone maybe will see what I write and be inspired to live a life or experience a change in who they are because of something inspiring or marvelous I've written.

But the reality of why I do this is that it is therapy for me. It is a way that I can journal all of my feelings, emotions, actions, and questions about who I've become. I do this so at times, I can go back and look at who I was, what I used to think, and how that's changed. I can see the process of conversion.

One last thing that Shelly said really rang true with me. She said that telling our stories is scary. It's scary because what happens if you tell your story, the story that has brought all of the world into perspective for you, and no one cares? What if someone tells you you're wrong?

So the question to you, Dear Readers, is this: what is your story? What part of your life has been important in your formation? More importantly, would you be willing to tell that story?

Shelly Roder is the director of Cap Corps Mid-West, a post-graduate program for those wanting to participate in full-time volunteer work, either in the U.S. or internationally. For more info on Shelly or the Cap Corps program, go to www.capcorps.org.

I just got back from ministry at St. Ben's and I am mad.

Seriously, I am f'ing pissed.

Twice this day people tried to use my status to make me feel guilty, and that is something I cannot stand. Just because I am a Catholic, a Christian, a Latino, a friar, a man, or whatever is used to define me does not give anyone the right to either make assumptions about who I am or the right to tell me what I should be doing. That is a strict rule of mine. I will gladly explain how I live my life, and how I make the choices and decisions that I do. I'll even tell you the benefits and consequences that you face if you are in a similar situation. However your life is your own to live, and whatever choices you make are your own, and whatever choices I've made belong to me.

Before this turns into a long ramble of me venting my own frustrations, let me explain the happenings of today that caused me to get so riled up.

Today while doing paperwork in the office, I got a call from a gentleman calling from California.

"Is this the St. Benedict the Moor Mission?" he asked me. No one calls us St. Benedict the Moor unless it's official (church) business or it is in regards to money.

After I ask how I can help him, he asks me: "So this is the home of the Storm Novena?"

If you know what the Storm Novena is, then great! If not, don't feel bad. I didn't either. I'll take time later to explain the history of it and its relationship to the St. Ben's Church. For the sake of this discussion, I will tell you that it is a novena that was prayed by the kids here at St. Ben's. It was a prayer with open arms done 9 times during the day in front of the Blessed Sacrament. It was written in the 1940's, and hasn't been used in quite a long time. When I give talks about St. Ben's, the Storm Novena is not something I mention, nor is it something that comes up.

As I tell this guy that I am unaware of this novena he's talking about, he proceeds to talk to me like it's my first day there at the parish. I've busted my ass talking, helping, working, and trying to understand the social aspect of trying to be the caring person I've been called to be, and some ass calls the church for the first time because of a prayer that's from 70 years ago and feels he has the right to tell me that I need to know the history of the church!

I could have said all of that to him. I could have told him that he has no clue what St. Ben's is, why it is a mission and not just a church, and that if I wanna pray, I go to the prison and pray. However part of me doesn't want to spoil his dream. He feels so inspired by this prayer that he chose to call from California.

Damn me for caring about other people!

About an hour later, I had a gentleman call asking about the bus ticket program. Giving out bus tickets is serious business; we're the only place in town that gives them out on a regular basis. Since a bus ticket is the new commodity of the poor, there are certain restrictions and stop-gaps in place to make sure it doesn't get disorderly, misused, abused, or confused. Still, some people try to get around the system.

This person calls and wants to talk to the person who handles the distribution. I tell him that he's not in yet, and asked if he'd like to leave a message on his voice mail. He then starts to give me a story and tells me he needs bus tickets. Being an ex-salesman, I know the difference between a story and "a story." As a salesman, I'm not the only one who's good at lying. Many of my buyers had no qualms lying to my face about things, a unique skill that's carried over from my previous life.

I tell him he needs to be here and in line to get tickets, and if he's not here, then he needs to talk to the man in charge during the Community Meal. He starts to get loud with me, and wants to know my name. I tell him I am Br. Vito. He tells me that if I were a God-fearing man...

And that's the last of what I remember him saying.

And then I went off.

When my life is finally over, and I have to stand before God and attest for what I've done in my life, I know that I will have to explain for my personal transgressions. What I will not allow is for other people to tell me or manipulate me through the use of my faith, my role as a friar, or through my sense of duty.

(break)

Coming back to read this post hours later, I don't feel the anger I did earlier. However I do recognize that "hot button" that is within me. If there's one thing I've learned from today is that not everyday do you feel appreciated by your work. Sometimes you feel used or misunderstood. In a way it's quite ironic: coming from a work experience where I was never taken at face value, you'd think I'd deal with these issues better than others.

(As promised, I will talk about the Storm Novena later.)

One of the greatest things about being here as a friar is finding my love of music again. When people find out I play guitar I'm often asked to "play something" at a mass or prayer service. It feels good using a skill that I love for the benefit of worship. And it's a skill I continue to work at.

When we got here to Milwaukee in August, we were told that we could go to whatever parish we wanted for Sunday Liturgy. They preferred that we go to a Capuchin parish, but it was not required. The focus was for us to get out and establish relationships within the city. After going to a few different masses at the start, I attended the 10:30 mass at St. Francis...a Spanish mass.

I've mentioned before that even though I'm Mexican, my Spanish is horrible. So I thought it was just a fluke that I would happen to go to a Spanish mass. However when the mass started, I saw one person playing guitar, leading the choir, singing, cantoring, and planning the music. I remember my parish back in Grand Rapids and how wonderful it was to have so many talented people participating.

At the end , I introduced myself and asked if he needed any help. Since then, I've been playing guitar for that mass. About a month later, one of the other postulants joined with his guitar.

A few times the director has been sick or had commitments that keep him from getting to that mass. In those times he's asked us to take over his job: pick out the songs, make sure they choir knows them, get the equipment set up, and play for the mass.

Liturgical Music is not just about playing songs that people know...something I learned the hard way. There are many nuances and thoughts behind the music that is chosen, the words that are used, and the tempo and feeling of the piece. Each must tie into the season, the readings, any special events or feast days, etc. And the important part isn't about sounding good. In fact, I'd say when it comes to liturgical music planning, "sounding good" comes in a distant third. The relevance to the mass is probably the second most important focus. The first: getting the church to participate in the singing of the songs during mass.

There are far more things to learn about Liturgical Music in the Catholic Church, but I know that my understanding as well as my musical abilities have both grown in these past months. While I still plan on being a priest, part of me wants to spend time working in the field of music. It's so hard to find and keep musicians in parishes these days, I feel that it would be improper for me to just waste my talent.

I bring up this topic because I was at St. Francis late this evening. We have a new person who helps out at the Spanish mass, and he's eager to learn the songs we use. The director won't be at mass Sunday, so I got together with the new guy and picked out songs for the 2nd Sunday of Lent.

In that process he stated how impressed he was with my knowledge of music and that it was very helpful to have me walk through the songs, pick out ones that were commonly used in this church, and to coordinate different aspects of the music during the liturgy. I felt rather proud of the compliment, and I realized how comfortable I'd become with not just playing in front of a crowd, but of taking control and directing what needed to be done in a respectful and encouraging manner.

So the next time you go to mass, and you enjoy the music, tell the music director you appreciate it. And if you can play any instrument, ask if you can help out in some way. Both of those things will not only brighten their day, but it will remind them that it's not just "playing music," but it is a way that serves the community during the mass.

It's hard to believe I've been here in Milwaukee over months now, and that at May 9, my postulancy will be over. It feels that I got here only weeks ago, learning how to fit into a life of community, service, and prayer.

With the end of the term so close, I'm surprised I haven't thought more about the coming year of being a Novice. It is an entirely different experience from being a postulant; with limited internet access I don't even know if I'll be able to blog from Novitiate! There's a lot of questions I haven't asked yet about the next year.

In the second week of May, we are finished here in Milwaukee. There is a two week vacation where we can go home, go somewhere for vacation (probably not Vegas), or just relax. After that, we are due back here in Milwaukee. We depart from here as a group to Victoria, Kansas to rendezvous with the postulants from all the other English-speaking provinces in the U.S. and Australia. For three months we live in Victoria as we get acclimated and prepare to jointly become novices. This 3-month period is known as Pre-Novitiate.

After Pre-Novitiate, there is a ceremony of Investiture. In almost every order, getting your habit is not like picking up BDU's in the army. You are "dressed" into your habit by your other brothers. It is to signify not only the fraternity of the community, but symbolizes a transformation of taking on the responsibility of a greater role in the Order and in living the Gospel. It also marks the change from being a Postulant to being a Novice.

Along with all the other new novices, we (and all other orders) are bound to live as a novice for at least one year...per Canon Law. During that time we are not held to any vows, nor is our committment any greater to the Order than in the postulancy year. And under the direction of the Novice Master that year is spent learning if we have the spiritual call and desire to truly live a Capuchin life.

While postulancy has been more about me working and being busy, novitiate will be a LOT less work and a LOT more prayer and introspection. We are cut off from the rest of the world during this one year. We are not allowed to leave (except for 5 hours a week for Ministry), we are not allowed to receive guests (except from our respective provinces), and our phone and internet times are strictly regulated. The idea is to remove all distraction from our lives during this one year so we can better listen to what God is telling us to do.

There is schooling much like there is here. In fact, I've been told to keep my notes about certain classes since some of the same teachers go out to Novitiate and teach the guys from all the other provinces. There is the division of tasks, and of course there is the challenge of living in a newer and bigger community. But the overall focus for the year is to take plenty of time in personal prayer and meditation to really try and listen to what God is calling. It is a time of self-discipline, a time of reflection, but also a time to seriously contemplate the desicion to live this life in this way for the rest of one's days.

As the time gets closer to move, I'll talk more and more about pre novitiate and novitiate. This is an exciting time! I just got over the excitement of being a postulant, and now my status will soon change again!

Today began the next phase of our Liturgical calendar. While I didn't receive ashes until about 7 at night, my Lenten fast and penitential list started at midnight last night. Those that know me will tell you I'm not big on the rules, rather on the values behind those rules. However when it comes to Lent, I become the "liturgical policeman," trying to obey every single little, traditional, inexplicable rule that's been added to the season since the Patristic period. (I just learned that word yesterday, and I really wanted to use it!)

So on my door rests a list of things that I have given up and tasks that I have taken on during the course of Lent. It's far more extreme than most people are used to, but I won't pretend it's a regiment of bread, water, and 14 hours of prayer. The personal tradition of keeping Lent as an intense time of penance and alms-giving comes from my mother, who carried that tradition from my grandparents. During Lent, my mother lives so austere, she would make a Poor Clare question her own vow of poverty. It was only natural that after coming back to my faith, I observe Lent in much the same way.

That's not to say that I think Lent is simply about feeling guilty for the sins of the past year, nor is it a time to rehash New Year's resolutions. It is the observance of how Jesus, before beginning his public ministry, experienced this time of cleansing, for both body and spirit. This time wasn't just for him to feel bad about himself or go to fish fries at the local KoC hall. It was a time of preparation. In this same way, I try to look at Lent as a way to prepare and understand my call to live the Gospel.

And like the other disciples that Jesus called, I know I don't have the ability to do it on my own. So in hopes that the community can help me observe my Lenten obligations, I posted the list on my door, so that everyone would know what I'm trying to give up. That's not to say I want to be like of the hypocrites in today's reading, rather I know I need their help during this time, and the list contains the goals I want to reach with the help of my community.

I'd be interested in hearing what people have chosen to do for their observation of Lent this year. Worst case scenario, you can always look at my list for some ideas.

I am giving up for Lent:

Smoking
2nd helpings at dinner
1/4 of my wardrobe
15 pounds
Caffeine
Oppression of Canadian Nationals (this one was for the Canadian postulant)
Fast Food - Arby's, Taco Bell, etc. (fish sandwiches excluded)
Some other things that are none of your business!

I am taking on for Lent:

Playing more music during Liturgy
Reading a book a week on anything
Taking more time for personal prayer

Being able to talk in front of a group of people is an acquired skill. Part of being a car salesman is the ability to start up a conversation with anyone, not be embarrassed by anything that might be said, and know that if the crowd loses interest or starts to turn on you, make them laugh...even if you have to make fun of yourself.
Since I started at St. Ben's Community Meal in Milwaukee, WI as Chaplain and Volunteer Coordinator, I've had many opportunities to give talks in front of groups. Whether they be 3 college kids, 15 high school students, 22 seminarians, a classroom at Marquette University, or a confirmation class of 200+ adolescents...I've been asked to give a number of talks since I've been here.

When I first started, it was a 10 minute talk about hunger in Milwaukee. I knew nothing of hunger in Milwaukee; I was still kicking dirt from Grand Rapids off my shoes! But as with all things I've learned here during postulancy, I read and learned. I listened to people who were in the know. I took time to study, dig up facts, and even pray about finding the words to best convey the message I want to send.

Here's a few of the topics I'm usually asked to talk about:

1. Conversion - As a former car salesman and poker dealer, my life has drastically changed by no longer chasing money or climbing a ladder of status. By trying to live the Gospel and see all people as creations of God, I have come to a new understanding of life and a pursuit of a greater vocation.
2. History - Starting as a store-front Catholic church by a black layman in 1908, St. Benedict the Moor has a long history in the city of Milwaukee as a mission to the African-American population, then later to the homeless and hungry.
3. Social Justice - St. Ben's focuses not just on the immediate needs of the homeless and the impoverished. By working through agencies, advocates, and by teaching and sharing the stories of the poor and marginalized, we at St. Ben's try not just to stop the symptoms of injustice, but also work on the root problems.
4. Vocation - By allowing students, adults, and professionals to see the life of the homeless, the programs in place to address those needs, and making them aware of the problem, we encourage people not only to just think about how to fix the problem, but to become involved as well. Often times I am asked about my particular vocation to the Capuchins.
5. Personal Reflection - After participating in the meal as a guest, not as a server, there is the chance to reflect on the experience of having been at the Meal Program. This experience allows people to gain a better insight into what it's like to be dependent on such programs. Sometimes guests are asked to come to talks away from St. Ben's to talk about their lives living in Milwaukee.
   

In the short amount of time that I've been here at St. Ben's, I've been challenged to not only do a lot, but also to say a lot as well. In the beginning, I felt weird about all the talks. Part of me wanted to hide from the notoriety I'd gained. "Just let me be a simple and humble friar!" was my thought. As the process continued, I realized it wasn't all about me. There's a story to tell, a witness that needs to be given, and not everyone has the ability to stand in front of 25 people with no script and just a vague idea for a topic...and smile at the challenge of trying to make at least one person truly consider what is being said.

I'm sad to think that in less than 3 months I will be off doing something completely different. Then in the coming August, another poor soul will take my place, hoping to soon become a Capuchin, and will be asked to give a 30 minute presentation on a meal program they haven't fully understood yet. But I think that's part of the flavor of religious life. I know I will miss what I've learned here, as I start counting "days left" instead of "days here." But I know I will take what I've learned and continue to tell my story. Most of all, I know that someday I will find myself back at St. Ben's, perhaps then I will be in "full garb." And when I do return, I'll remember why I missed it in the first place.

If you live in the Milwaukee area and are looking for someone to talk to your group about the St. Ben's Community Meal, please call 414-271-0135. Ask for Br. Dave Schwab or Br. Vito Martinez. You can also see St. Ben's Website for a description of some of the programs we offer at the Community Meal.

Well really I'm moving downstairs, however I did check my compass, and indeed I am moving to the east side of the friary. Rather dorky, I know, however I'm excited about the fact that I've moved out of my old room and into this new room where everyone else is!

Originally I lived on the 3rd floor of the friary. Our rooms were randomly picked out, since they differ in size, layout, and in some instances, amenities. I was lucky enough to get the nicest and largest room in the friary on the 3rd floor. Walk in closet, full size bed (instead of the singles), room for about everything, close to the bathroom and showers...this room was definitely a good place.

As the year progressed and postulants began to leave the 3rd floor (and the Order entirely) I was left by myself in my corner of the friary. It was rare that anyone ever knocked on my door. I knew I could go and hide in my room if I wasn't feeling good or in a mood, because no one would come up to see me. It became me refuge from community life, and eventually I felt it became a hindrance to my participation here in the friary.

After the most recent postulant left, I made a decision to move closer to where the other guys' rooms in the house. I felt that if I were closer, I wouldn't feel as removed from the happenings of the house as I do now. While I still have the door shut at times, I feel I am right in the middle of everything, and I won't be left out just because I'm so far away.

I find that little things like this make a difference when living in community. Some of the people who are friends now are friends simply because their rooms were closer, and they were the ones who talked to each other the most. In many ways, it is a reflection of our own lives. For those we choose to interact with more, talk to, and even include in our daily routine, those are the people we will learn to understand even better.

This weekend we have about 12 candidates, guys who are looking at joining the order, over at our house this weekend. Along with the extra cleaning, organizing, food, and a little craziness, we hosted the new crop of future Capuchins as the took a tour of the many ministries we have here in Milwaukee.

I had the chance to talk to a lot of the guys. Unfortunately, I suck at being a photographer. There were others that took good pictures, so I hope to have some photos up soon!

Saturday afternoon, to join the other candidates, we took a trip to our high school seminary in Mount Calvary, WI. It was quite the spiritual and/or enjoyable experience, with the climax being when we rolled down the window of the car and started admonishing a herd of reindeer in Yugoslavian accents.

...I guess you really had to be there to understand the significance of that.~

Either way, things are going good. I'm still sick, but it's not as bad as in the past. Perhaps I'm learning to handle illness better!

This post was originally planned for Monday/Tuesday. However due to unforeseen events that unfolded at that time, the issue of losing yet another postulant took a back seat, not only for my blog but in real life as well. -V

Saturday, another person decided to leave the Capuchin Postulancy. Unlike the last guy, this recent departure struck me as a loss to the Order, to the community, and to me. I've been processing this loss over the weekend. In many ways, dealing with it has been a grieving process.

The second guy from our province chose to leave about a week ago, during the road trip to New York. His choice was mostly ideological. Our province has always been the "liberal" province, even though I find little differences in my travels and experiences of other friars. Our house was also very "Democratic." I think he was the only one who was pulling for McCain during last year's election. He was also very ritualistic and legalistic, choosing to attend an Ukrainian Orthodox Mass on Sundays, rather than the several Capuchin parishes in Milwaukee.

In spite of these differences between he and I, he was a good guy, and a very close part of the community here. And there were times that I really felt that the fraternity would outweigh any political differences. However last week, during the ride home, he told us that he'd been questioning how he fit in with the province since he got here. And after truly trying to look beyond those differences, he felt he would do much better in a community more like him.

My first reaction was that of anger. Why would he choose to paint the entire province with this liberal label? Many of the guys have different views based on experience, ministry, upbringing, and their own values. I couldn't understand how one could assume "This province just isn't for me."

Upon his actual departure, I looked past my anger and told him the simple truth: that he would be missed, and that I still thought of him as my brother. I have a hard time with expression of feelings sometimes, and I think he understood that me saying something like that was huge. It was almost a teary-eyed affair, but like good, strong men we managed to hold back such things.

Since then, our community dynamic has changed noticeably. There is less conflict, less arguing, and less stress for a lot of us. I don't know if that means he needed to go. I don't know if that means we wanted him to go. I know that I wish he hadn't, as it has made all of us question our true intentions for being here in this program.

Last week our assignment was to write a psalm about something we experienced in life. It could be about a sad moment, something that helped us feel serene, a time when we completely felt God's presence...the choice was ours. The only thing that mattered was that we wrote our psalm as they'd been written in the past: the psalm should express our feelings to God, rather than just stating "what happened."

There were a lot of moments I could have used to write about. I looked through the Book of Psalms to get an idea. The first psalm I happened to open up to was psalm 18: a song of praise with rather war-like imagery. For the time they were written, and also for the context, it made sense to write and converse with God in relation to war...something a little more confusing today. So rather than write something sappy, or completely praise-worthy, I saw this psalm and wondered what I could tap into in order to write a psalm such as this.

So looking into my past, I wrote and shared this with the others in my class. No one was able to figure out what I was exactly describing, however they said they could see the emotions that were shared in the psalm. When we known the original meaning and/or context of a psalm, it takes on an entirely different interpretation.

In the sense of fun and sharing, I thought I'd post my psalm here. What I won't post, at least not yet, is the actual event or part of my life that this comes from. I will leave that for you, Dear Reader, to investigate yourself. The question is this: does this seem like someone's genuine feelings? Do you see a time when this psalm could be used during a prayer? What does this psalm mean to you?

After a few days, I'll describe the story behind my psalm, an odd change from the Book of Psalms. But I think the important part is to realize that a psalm was a way for people to share their emotions with God; if you can see or relate to these emotions , I see that as more important than just my meaning.

I.

"Hail Almighty!" I exclaim with all my breath,
You have gifted me with strength and wisdom,
Your mighty arm has extended across the universe to guide me as I train;
You have fashioned me into your righteous soldier.
I strive to be your reflection.

As I stand ready before my enemies, I invoke your holy name,
Your spirit echoes in my voice as I shout across the battlefield.
Your eyes see and your ears hear, your lips whisper into my ear.
You choose us to be your flaming sword of justice.

While war raged all around me, I could not tell friend from foe,
You gave me sight so that my aim might be true.
You gave me speed that my legs prevent my enemies' escape.
I need only say your name, and you reveal my foes to me.
My Lord keeps me from falling to the ground.

Your blade is just and far-reaching; we wield your power with precision,
Like a symphony of minstrels or choir of hosts.
What foe can stand against the power of the Lord?
What test cannot be overcome with you on our side?
By your mighty arm, we stand victorious in battle.

"Hail, Almighty!" I exclaim, and you make me a king of people.
I am both a master of slaves and an elder of brothers.
I offer tribute that I remain in your favor.
Grant that I should not fail my people; and they will know
no other god is Lord but you.

II.

I have left your comfort, Lord.
Everything is black in front of me.
I feel only dirt under my feet, stillness in the wake of triumph.
Your once-great warrior is gone.

Why did you tease me with glory and victory, Lord?
Help me to always know that you are my God,
Show me that your greatness exists beyond the gates of discord.
And keep me always as one of your own.

Enjoy, and feel free to add any comments you wish to. I'll talk about the meaning later. =)

In August of 2008, I started my postulancy with six other men. Five of those guys represented the mid-west province while sixth comes from Canada in an agreement for a collaborative postulancy program. Before leaving for New York, one of the five from our province was asked to leave the program. The feeling that was hardest to understand was why I felt good about it.

Community is still a new way of living for me, and there are things that make me adjust my thinking every day. There are times when I feel annoyed with everyone; sometimes it's because of the way they chew their food or talk on their phone. Living with 6 (now 5) other men requires a special kind of personality: one that is willing to change and adapt to a new environment.

The person who was asked to leave had a problem with change...at least that's how I viewed it. As we grow older, we become used to a certain way of life. This guy was 46, and pretty set in his ways. Unfortunately, a community requires a person to be flexible, understanding, and have the ability to "let things slide" every now and then. If you lack these abilities, living in community not only becomes hard, it becomes destructive to others around you.

While a person leaving a tight community can cause serious feelings, I felt very little when he left. In a way, I'd already seen him as separate from the other Postulants living at St. Conrad. In some way, I saw him simply as a guest who'd overstayed his welcome...a nuisance that had not realized he didn't belong. Along with this disconnection, much of my anger in community became directed at him. Any little thing he did wrong was a glaring example of how he did not belong with the rest of us.

At the end I was up until 4AM, writing an email to my formator about how far apart he had grown from the rest of the group. The next day, it was clear that he was going to be asked to leave.

I look back and see that I may sound like a heartless bastard. A man gave up his career and put his life on hold in order to follow a call he felt to the Capuchins. Shouldn't I be more respectful of his input? Shouldn't I feel a greater sense of loss?

In reality, the lack of feelings for this move scared me for some time. Perhaps my selfishness was shining through, and his leaving to leave didn't affect my life. Maybe I could have feelings for the people I worked with, but history shows that my empathy rarely ever makes it back to where I'm living. If I am brother to all creatures on the earth, how could I turn a blind eye to someones pain?

While I've only lived in community for 5 months, I've developed a keen understanding of how this life can bring a person up or weigh them down. A community can be fulfilling and detrimental; the difference lies in how it's members treat each other. Each of the other Postulants saw problems with him, articulating similar experiences and sharing thoughts. So while I feel bad that he was unable to complete the program, the community has gotten better because of it.

We were told it is a very different experience when someone is asked to leave as opposed to someone who chooses to do so. We've had the former. Tomorrow, we lose another postulant who chose to leave.

His decision has been less easy to digest.

I admit I've been remiss to keep everyone updated as to how my past month has gone. Not only has that been an issue of events, but I can't always have access to internet or a camera as often as I'd like. In fact, there are times when I don't even think about writing on this blog (God forbid!) But now that I'm back in Milwaukee and my schedule is back to normal (in a way), here are a few pictures of me "and the fam" as we tooled around America.

Our first stop was to the Chiara Center: a retreat house owned by the Hospital Sisters of St. Francis. This wonderful place is where we stayed for a week as we learned about SEX.

Along with the retreat house, the complex also housed a retirement hospital for aging friars and sisters. Unfortunately I didn't know about that part, as I went to sleep soon after getting to Springfield. This is a pic of the hospital side before I got scared that someone would realize I didn't belong in that part of the building.

Along with the Capuchins of the Mid-west Province, we broke bread with the Observants from the midwest area. Pictured here at the table is Br. Dennis, Postulant Director from Joliet, Don Miller in the center, the retreat director and O.F.M. from Ohio, and Dan MacDonald (former) postulant with us (that's another story I have to tell). The O.F.M.'s were a good group and it was fun getting to know them. They acted a little differently than we did, and they may have smelled a little weird, but we loved them as brothers just the same~.


At the end of the retreat on Friday, we drove to Chicago to spend Tet with the community at St. Clare Friary. Several of the friars in our province are Vietnamese, so as part of the culture we had a celebration for the new year. With good food, drink, and even a little money to go around, the party was a great way to finish the end of a weird week.

Fr. John Holly and Peter Kootch (seated) represent the elders in this traditional part of the Tet celebration. The elders are thanked for their wisdom and are presented with a gift on behalf of the youth. Tom Nguyen (in the traditional garb) represents the youth. Right afterwards, the elders grant health and prosperity to the younger generation, then begin to pass out gifts. We each got an envelope with $10 in it. It was a good time.

After Chicago and a quick trip to Pittsburgh, we drove through to New York to visit the St. Mary's Province of Capuchins. We'd met them about 4 months ago at a previous event, so it was a chance to catch up, make fun of each other's accents, and have some fun. One day we went "into the city" to have some fun.

As part of our visit, we went on half-price ticket day and got to see a show on Broadway. I'd wanted to see the Will Farrell show before it hit HBO, but it had already closed. So instead, Quan and I decided to see Shrek the Musical. The show was awesome. I'm not usually big on musicals or stage plays, but this was an amazing show. And besides, now I can tell people I've seen a show on Broadway.

And it wouldn't be a trip to Manhattan without the random, inexplicable picture of a random person. While walking back to 42nd from the theatre on 54th, we saw this guy with quite an interesting message. He had a bullhorn with him as well, but I never heard him once say anything. He also had a small camera crew with him...small time, not a television or movie crew. I don't think he was trying to make a political point: he looked more like Bruce Willis in Die Hard: With a Vengeance than a political activist.

Even with all the excitement, it's good to be home. Perhaps I'm getting old and need some normalcy in my life, perhaps I've spent too many years on the road, and a month of traveling isn't as exciting as it used to be. Or maybe I'm still learning to re-establish my concept of "home." Whatever the answer may be, it's good to be back in Milwaukee.

Although now that I'm home, I have to deal with a realization: during this trip we managed to go from 7 postulants down to 5. That is something else I will have to deal with now.

I didn't get a chance to talk much about my sexuality workshop in January, which is unfortunate because there were some good things I learned from Don Miller when I was in Springfield, IL. While we spent time talking a lot about theory rather than the practicality of being a celibate religious male, we did talk about how we maintain celibate relationships with women while still maintaining the sexuality that we have as males.

So if you've ever wondered how a normal guy attempts to live celibacy, grab something to eat and drink, and consider this your warning.

In spite of what most people believe, the vow of celibacy (or discipline, for those who become diocesan priests) is much more than just giving up sex. This misconceived notion that a celibate life is solely about the act of sex comes from society, media, friends, family, etc. In fact, men who join religious life simply to give up sex and relationships with women are the wrong candidates for this type of lifestyle. For example:

• people who have a bad or undeveloped relationship with the opposite gender
  
• people who have a bad or undeveloped relationship with sex
• people confused with their own sexuality
• people who want to get away from the opposite sex completely
• people who don't want the responsibility of a family

The first part of understanding celibacy is understanding exactly what you are giving up, and what you are also accepting.

By living this life, I am choosing to give up:

1. Looking for a female companion to love intimately
2. Committing solely to one woman
3. Creating a family and raising a child or children
4. Engaging in "genital activity" (i.e. sex and everything else)

While the list is direct and to the point, no one should assume that a. it's an easy task for any man to do b. that the struggle ends after a person has taken vows, or c. that the Church feels we should avoid contact with all women. I belong to a mendicant order, meaning that after my formation process, I will be working in the community with others. It is short-sighted to assume that I will only be working with men, or that I will simply turn off my "manhood." This is the second misconception about celibacy.

God created man and woman to love each other, and he gave them desire for that same reason. We are, by nature, social and intimate beings. We have a fire within each of us that drives us to find something more than ourselves, something that fuels the love and desire that we have for another human being. These are not bad thoughts or impure urges, they are part of how we were created by God; and he gave us those things for a reason.

We are sexual beings, and that sexuality that is inside of me is something I must incorporate into my vocation as a Capuchin Friar. That doesn't mean I'll be able to act and do the same things I did before I was a Capuchin, but it does mean that I recognize my need for interaction, communication, and intimacy with women...but with specific non-negotiable boundaries.

Here is a perfect example of celibacy and how I deal (or struggle) with it, depending on the point of view:

Yesterday when visiting a soup kitchen in Brooklyn, I was introduced to some of the staff and took some time to talk with them. Some of the staff were younger women, and some of those women fit the type that I am into. I spoke with a wonderful young woman for about 20 minutes, exchanging information about each other, learning our different backgrounds, and sharing the occasional joke. For obvious reasons, we had a lot of things in common.

Any man or woman knows that depending on the circumstance, inflection, body language, vibes, and how each participant in this conversation feels, the outcome of a conversation like this can lead to numerous places. Therefore when I interact with women now, I have to consider a number of things:

• What is my overall intention? Am I sharing information because our jobs are similar? Are we just talking politely? Am I attracted to her?
• What kind of message am I sending? Is the topic strictly professional, or are we getting too personal? Is my body language appropriate to the conversation? Am I sending out any vibe I shouldn't be?
• What kind of message am I getting? Are we still talking business, or is she flirting with me? Do I think she is sending me signals? If she is, what am I doing about it?
• What are the boundaries? What can and can't I say as a Postulant? What about as a guy? Is it right to ask her for her email or facebook address? What would I do with it if she gave it to me?

All of these questions, and about a hundred more, run through my head when I talk to women. In reality, it's not unusual. Realistically, most guys are asking the exact same type of questions when they're out on a date, in school, or doing any other activity where they're interacting with the opposite sex. The big difference between those guys and me is that they are looking for a different result than I am. While they may be looking for a future companion, I am making sure I am not looking for that type of intimacy, or that I don't appear to be interested.

While I'm sure the attractive young lady I spoke with has a wonderful boyfriend who loves her very much, the interaction I described is the way that I deal with celibacy from a "giving up" standpoint. Regardless of what could have happened, I'm working on becoming a professional religious, which means a celibate life for me. While I may have ideas that come into my head, it's up to me to recognize the choice I'm making and to be loyal to that decision.

This brings me to the third and most misunderstood concept of celibacy: Celibacy is only about giving up. In fact, it is through celibacy that we gain the world. In three simple words, we choose celibacy "for the Kingdom." And that, boys and girls, is a topic worthy of it's own separate post. A good discussion for another time.

Later that night when I got home, the guys joked at how I was hitting on a woman from one of the ministries. The guys I live with understand that same "dance" I do with regards to dealing with women. As for what was really going through my mind at the time...well that's just none of your business. :p

Today I visited Neighbors Together in Brooklyn near Brownsville. It is a Community Cafe that serves lunch and dinner five days a week. I tagged along with one of the New York Postulants to the Cafe, obviously wanting to compare their soup kitchen to mine in Milwaukee.

Being in Brooklyn, the location was in a much smaller area than I was used to. Rather than having the spacious meal hall, numerous offices, and easy access I am used to in Milwaukee, this site attempted to provide the same services I was used to, but in a cramped setting. I was told that the previous location was even smaller yet, a reality of New York I still can't understand.

While providing a hot meal from 1-3P.M., I also met a few of the case workers on staff, offering aid to guests who are in need of housing, assistance, and whatever else they can. Much like home, all the staff I met were wonderful, energized, and wanted to do some good in the world. I always find it inspiring to see people like me: trying to save the world one person at a time.

While outreach centers and soup kitchens change from city to city, the faces of poverty and addiction stay the same. It's so easy to allow the anonymity of the needy to overshadow the purpose of this ministry; there is an imperative in me to be personal, friendly, and empathetic in this setting, if only to remind myself that no matter how great the number, I am always dealing with human beings.

I felt at home here just as if I were at St. Ben's in Milwaukee or God's Kitchen in Grand Rapids. Perhaps that seems weird for a guy who used to spend his evenings playing cards for big money. It's kind of interesting to look back on the past and see how I've really changed over the years. At one point, I preferred to be around people who only showed respect to those with a bigger bankroll or better skills at "the game." These days, I prefer to be around those people who want to make a difference in this world, great or small.

I can't wait to get back to Milwaukee and see the guests I know so well. However I feel glad to have visited Neighbors Together and interacting with others who share the same vision as me. It's good to know I'm not the only one desperately trying to be a hero in this world.

We just got back from midtown-Manhattan, on a trip to visit a parish on 31st run by the Capuchins of the St. Mary Province. Since we've been here in New York, we've only had a limited chance to go around and see some of the sights. Today was a chance to take the train from Brooklyn into the city and visit with some of the friars of New York.

In spite of being a mid-west boy who's not used to the big city, I felt quite at home. Having experienced Chicago and Milwaukee, Brooklyn has been a great change of scenery. Taking the train "into the city" felt normal in a way. It's hard to explain: after spending time in a city like Grand Rapids, and thinking I needed to find peace and quiet in my life, I feel strangely calm in the bustling life of a metropolitan area.

Perhaps this is what makes Franciscans different than the other monastic orders. Rather than try to hide or completely silence all the distractions in life, I've found a way to be at peace in the world. Whether someone is playing congas on the J train for extra cash, a couple is arguing with each other in front of Madison Square Garden, or graffiti covers the window I sat near on the way back to Brooklyn, there is something harmonious in all of it. It is as if I can see the hand of God present in all things.

Tomorrow I will go with one of the New York postulants to their ministry. They also work with the homeless. It will be interesting to compare notes.

I woke this morning at 4AM after spending the better part of yesterday driving to Springfield, IL for our retreat on Spirituality and Sexuality. Since the other postulants are losers and slept during yesterday's drive (not that I hold any grudges) I decided to turn in early last night. So early this morning, I had the chance to spend some time exploring and reflecting on this week and the retreat.

Originally this is where I would have posted my pictures of the Chiara Center here in Springfield, some of the architechure, and even how the TV in my room has a channel where I can watch the Blessed Sacrament...in case Jesus feels moved to start admonishing the coaching staff of the Michigan Wolverine football team. Unfortunately the one computer with internet access here does not have a slot for SD cards, nor did I bring my USB cable. Perhaps later this week I'll find a way to get my laptop hooked in.

Being upset that I couldn't give a virtual tour of this fine facility (the shower has enough room for 3 people, which is rather ironic since we're supposed to be dealing with celibacy), I started to reflect on the topics we discussed at last night's session: the introduction to our week.

We will discuss many topics relating to sexuality and spirituality: masculine spirituality, celibacy, practical applications and understanding of relationships, understanding our own concepts of gender roles and gender identities, and trying to be relevant on sexuality when many people feel that the Catholic Church has lost credibility on the topic. There's a lot of things to discuss, and not all of them will be "easy" to talk about.

As guys, we joked on the way here about how we would react. I agreed with another one of my brothers that we should use "...that's what she said!" as much as possible this week. With all the sexual innuendos that will be flying around I'm sure we'll have plenty of opportunities. But even as we joked about the weekend, I could see how we as men tend to either trivialize or react irrationally to very serious or uncomfortable topics. We know we're attending this event to better our ministry, to comply with requirements set forth by our Province, and to better understand our own sexuality as we continue to think about living a celibate life. Even still, the 13 year-old boy inside thinks about how he's gonna giggle each time he hears someone say "penis."

So with Benny Bennassi's "I Love My Sex" playing on the iPod, my Detroit Red Wings jersey, and a healthy swagger about me, I decided I was ready to start discussing issues of spirituality, sexuality, my sexual history, interactions with the opposite sex, and the like. I have resigned to the thought that I am a "man's man:" I think fart jokes are funny, I prefer to insult my friends rather than be touchy-feely with them (even though they are both a form of bonding), and I like to say "Oh Yeah!" at really inappropriate times. Whether you people feel I am their champion or an abomination is for them to decide. This week is for me to learn how I can be me and still be respectful, present to, and understanding to others with regards to sexuality.

The first session was mostly an introduction. Today we will get down to business ("Oh yeah!") . I'll try to keep everyone informed as to the topics and reflections of the day.

Please pray that that I don't make a bigger ass of myself than I already am!