My Heart Aches

I never thought that living here would bring me the pain of a broken heart ever again. As much as I tried, I thought I put my old life behind me in exchange for this new one. Yet today I sat and did one of the most heart-wrenching and painful things in my life...

I wrote an email to the girl I once called my daughter.

When I was together with my ex-girlfriend, she had a daughter. Her daughter was full of life, energy, and love. Without reservation, she called me "Daddy" when we were together. And just reading that word again makes my stomach knot up at the heartache of losing that.

Recently she turned 18...no longer a girl, but a woman in her own right. Her mother asked that I never contact her again; I've kept to that agreement, no matter how painful it was at times. She was not my blood, and I respected the bond between mother and daughter.

However now that she has become an adult, I took the chance to write one email, as if it were the only words left I could say, in hopes that she might understand exactly what she meant to me. As a religious, I realize that she will be the only daughter I will ever know, and I fucked up the one chance of being a good role model, a positive male figure, and a stable person in her life. I grew up an only child, and I know what it's like to have people come in and out of your life. I pray I did more good than harm.

Perhaps more importantly, she represents a sacrifice I made when choosing to pursue religious life. In choosing to follow a vocation, I chose not to continue a relationship, but with my ex and her daughter. I've managed to hide from that realization, but now I feel the guilt from that decision.

The email wasn't long. I thanked her for allowing to be a part of her life. I told her I was proud of the woman she had become, and that I wished only good things for her and her mother. Lastly, and with a heavy heart, I told her that I would respect whatever decision she made about the email, including if she chose never to speak to me again.

I have tried to be a good guy all my life, however I realize that there are people in this world that I have hurt. I would love to heal all wounds I created and offer apologizes to everyone. However I've learned that some people have deeper wounds than can be healed by words. And I've learned to accept that sometimes, you lose people forever.

I don't know what to expect in a response. She may not even respond at all. I thought the hard part would be writing the actual message. In reality, it was hitting the send button, knowing that I would be scared to check my email for the next two weeks...and that feeling of pain when I saw no response.

I also try to be a tough guy, but today I as thought about what to do, I looked back on an earlier post, and I couldn't help but cry.