The big news last week was the release of the Vatican Myspace Playlist which included the Changes by Tupac Shakur, a suprise to many people. Many of  Tupac's lyrics exemplified a living situation that many poor minorities were able to relate to...a stark contrast from the Hip-Hop scene of today that talks primarily about the aquisition of money, status, and women.

That's not to say that Tupac didn't have his share of gratuitous violence, language, and imagery. And perhaps that's what has some people concerned about his inclusion in the Vatican collection of songs, entitled Alma Mater. However after his death, Tupac's mother used her son's talent and drive for social resolutions to make Tupac more than just "another rapper," but (in the words of Harvard University's Symposium) "a modern folk hero."

As a poor kid growing up, part of me already identified to much of what his later recordings would speak to: living poor, violence and racism, a sense of helplessness, and much more. An example from Keep Ya Head Up

I wonder why we take from our women,
Why we rape our women
Do we hate our women?

I think it's time to kill for our women
time to heal our women,
be real to our women.

And if we don't, we'll have a race of babies
that will hate the ladies
and make the babies.

And since a man can't make one
he has no right to tell a woman
when and were to create one.

So with this decision by Vatican's artistic director Fr. Guilio Neroni, I thought it would only be fitting to add a Tupac video for reflection on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. If our love of our mother is a model for how we interact with our faith, then this video definitely seems appropriate.

Peace.

I've often found inspiration and meaning in songs that aren't normally classified as "spiritual." There are many songs that speak truth to me about my relationship with the Divine and the Spirit, but very few could be considered liturgical, gospel, or even Christian. I've tried to collect these songs, assuming no one else would understand such inspiration.

Fortunately, friars such as Fr. Mike Scully of St. Fidelis Church here in Victoria, KS does. He's a great guy, but here's his bio from his website: http://www.frmikescully.com/:

Father Michael Scully has spent most of his 40-plus years of ministry working with youth as a religion teacher, high school administrator, youth pastor, and parish pastor. In talks and retreats for high school and college youth, his presentation, "Rock Music and Leadership," has been presented to over 30,000 young people. He also has given many parish retreats and recollection days.
Father Mike Scully is currently serving as Pastor of St. Fidelis Church, the "Cathedral of the Plains" in Victoria, KS, pastor of St. Ann Church, Walker, KS, and pastor of St. Boniface Church, Vincent, KS. His radio show Message at the Top is aired on KJLS-FM, Mix 103 (103.3) in Hays, KS.

Fr. Scully's show Message At the Top takes the top ten songs of the week and breaks down the actual message behind some of these songs. Songs like: You Found Me by The Fray, If Today Were Your Last Day by Nickelback, and even older songs from John Mayer, Sara Bareilles, and Gavin DeGraw. The biggest surprise: this is all done on the local radio station in Kansas...not on public access or on an AM station. Fr. Mike's show airs on the biggest and most popular station in this part of Kansas.

His show brings a unique twist to songs not always found from older people or even clergy. He recognizes the power and the messages that are contained in songs, and he sees that all music can teach - the question is what does it teach. Even when one of the angrier or more sexually based songs make it onto the list, he does not hesitate to find some good from what is being sung. He admits he has his favorites and a list of songs he doesn't like to hear played, but he feels that too many people dismiss the message of music...rather than recognizing how it works with in us - especially the youth.

Fr. Mike's show Message At the Top, a ministry of the Mid-America Capuchins, verified a lot of what I felt about music and it's affect on my spirituality. I dropped the Music and Spirituality aspect of my blog for a time, simply because I didn't feel people were connecting with that form of contemplation as opposed to more traditional methods (devotions, Lexio Devina, etc).

Last week I had the opportunity to "guest host" his show. I may ask to join him again, and perhaps submit one of my song reflections to his list. If I go again, I will be sure to get pictures.

If you are anywhere near Hays, Kansas on Sundays between 10-12 (the station is too small to have live streaming of their broadcasts), be sure to tune in to 103.3. It may not be the ordinary ministry of the Capuchin Franciscans, but it's uniqueness and popularity tell me that someone is listening.

Transcripts of his last show can be found at his site for Message At the Top.

The phenomenon of finding spiritual messages in secular music is not my own. For many people discerning, be it a religious vocation, love, a new start in life, there is something unique about a music that speaks to our very hearts.

One of my brothers asked a buddy and I to play a song for his vocation story. In spite of the over-acting and ridiculousness of the event, there is a greater irony that something as cheesy as an 80's rock song could speak to the very thoughts that someone has about joining a religious vocation.

Enjoy...and remember that God speaks to us in many ways...sometimes through our adoration, sometimes through silence in meditation, and sometimes with a sense of the absurd. =)

P.S. I was a huge fan of Whitesnake when I was a kid!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=1173531371118&ref=nf

No I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on to promises in the songs of yesterday
And I made up my mind
I ain't wastin' no more time
Here I go again
Here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own
Walkin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was known to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wastin' no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days

I've talked several times about my ex-girlfriend's daughter, and how that relationship has been one of the hardest for me to deal with in choosing this life. Some days are better than others, and lately I've learned to forget about the decision to leave her and her mother.

It's been over a month since I sent her an email, and I've still heard nothing. I think I've resigned to the fact that there are two (more) women in this world who want nothing to do with me. I'd really hoped to hear something. It would have made a great post to write about; it would have been something far more special to me than another post. However if this is how things will be, then she will be my greatest sacrifice in choosing religious life.

As usual, there are songs that stir my mind. John Mayer's song Daughters came out when we were all still a family, and the song made me feel good about trying to be a surrogate father. While looking for new songs to play on guitar, I crossed this song again today.

This time, it had a much different feeling and message for me.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world.
But she's just like a maze
Where all of her walls are continually changed.

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand.
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers that turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Ooh? See that skin
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left - cleaning up the mess he made.

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Boys you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone with warmth from
A woman's good, good heart.

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

Last week our assignment was to write a psalm about something we experienced in life. It could be about a sad moment, something that helped us feel serene, a time when we completely felt God's presence...the choice was ours. The only thing that mattered was that we wrote our psalm as they'd been written in the past: the psalm should express our feelings to God, rather than just stating "what happened."

There were a lot of moments I could have used to write about. I looked through the Book of Psalms to get an idea. The first psalm I happened to open up to was psalm 18: a song of praise with rather war-like imagery. For the time they were written, and also for the context, it made sense to write and converse with God in relation to war...something a little more confusing today. So rather than write something sappy, or completely praise-worthy, I saw this psalm and wondered what I could tap into in order to write a psalm such as this.

So looking into my past, I wrote and shared this with the others in my class. No one was able to figure out what I was exactly describing, however they said they could see the emotions that were shared in the psalm. When we known the original meaning and/or context of a psalm, it takes on an entirely different interpretation.

In the sense of fun and sharing, I thought I'd post my psalm here. What I won't post, at least not yet, is the actual event or part of my life that this comes from. I will leave that for you, Dear Reader, to investigate yourself. The question is this: does this seem like someone's genuine feelings? Do you see a time when this psalm could be used during a prayer? What does this psalm mean to you?

After a few days, I'll describe the story behind my psalm, an odd change from the Book of Psalms. But I think the important part is to realize that a psalm was a way for people to share their emotions with God; if you can see or relate to these emotions , I see that as more important than just my meaning.

I.

"Hail Almighty!" I exclaim with all my breath,
You have gifted me with strength and wisdom,
Your mighty arm has extended across the universe to guide me as I train;
You have fashioned me into your righteous soldier.
I strive to be your reflection.

As I stand ready before my enemies, I invoke your holy name,
Your spirit echoes in my voice as I shout across the battlefield.
Your eyes see and your ears hear, your lips whisper into my ear.
You choose us to be your flaming sword of justice.

While war raged all around me, I could not tell friend from foe,
You gave me sight so that my aim might be true.
You gave me speed that my legs prevent my enemies' escape.
I need only say your name, and you reveal my foes to me.
My Lord keeps me from falling to the ground.

Your blade is just and far-reaching; we wield your power with precision,
Like a symphony of minstrels or choir of hosts.
What foe can stand against the power of the Lord?
What test cannot be overcome with you on our side?
By your mighty arm, we stand victorious in battle.

"Hail, Almighty!" I exclaim, and you make me a king of people.
I am both a master of slaves and an elder of brothers.
I offer tribute that I remain in your favor.
Grant that I should not fail my people; and they will know
no other god is Lord but you.

II.

I have left your comfort, Lord.
Everything is black in front of me.
I feel only dirt under my feet, stillness in the wake of triumph.
Your once-great warrior is gone.

Why did you tease me with glory and victory, Lord?
Help me to always know that you are my God,
Show me that your greatness exists beyond the gates of discord.
And keep me always as one of your own.

Enjoy, and feel free to add any comments you wish to. I'll talk about the meaning later. =)

Months ago, I wrote about the song Life By the Drop by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Often I mention songs that strike me as personal, spiritual, and reflective of my life. I write song lyrics here because they are no different than a great poem, story, or scripture passage in that they help me contemplate on life. And much like these other objects of meditation, their meaning can change as time goes on.

I also previously wrote about Don, a volunteer at St. Ben's that had fallen off the radar during the Christmas break. He'd fallen off the wagon after being sober for over two years. It's been a tough experience for me because it defines the greatest risk I face in my ministry. I don't worry about losing money or being injured, I worry about losing people I actually care about. I see how easy it is to not get close to people simply to protect my own feelings, yet that is not what I want in life. I want to care, to show empathy, to let people know that I will help if and where I can. I know I cannot save the world, but I can be present to those I meet...that is one of the reasons I've chosen this life.

I listened to this blues song again, listened to the voice of SRV and his 12-string acoustic. I found new meaning in the words that came through the headphones. I heard the singing of someone who will struggle their entire life with addiction. I heard the resignation that life will continue to be ups and downs. I could hear the words of someone aspiring to live a better life, but realizing he could only live a day at a time.

Wednesday evening at the meal, I saw Don again. "Brother Vito! Man, I missed you!" We embraced like brothers long since separated.

He has started to help out again, yet our relationship has changed somewhat. Sadly I am careful now about certain things with him. Places where he had full-access now require permission from me or Br. Dave. He checks in more about what he's doing. And while I want to trust him as implicitly as I used to, prudence tells me I need to be wary...just in case.

I don't know if I'm trying to romanticize this interaction between Don and I to better fit into my sense of "solidarity with the poor," or if I just refuse to admit exactly how deeply affected I've been by this situation. This notion of agape, selfless love, is a great concept. Living it, especially when you worry about that love and trust being misused, is not as easy as told in the stories of the saints. This morning at prayer, I prayed not just for those who suffered from addictions, but for their friends, family, and loved ones who continue to love after their trust has been shaken.

It's 3:45 in the morning; I really should be in bed. Yet the thoughts of those with alcohol addictions, their families who continue to love them, and the struggles that they will face...these things are at the forefront of my mind. At times like these, I simply listen to the music and try to offer those concerns, prayers, and my own fears to my Creator.

I don't have any theological argument for my final thought, but I think God must listen to the blues. For if indeed the Lord hears the cry of the poor (Psalm 34), the truest lamentations I ever found are in the blues.

I've been doing prison ministry here at St. Ben's for a few months now, and I must say it's one of the greatest experiences I've had since being here. Sure I was nervous and hesitant to do it at first. In fact, I was a little concerned about what would happen to me if I showed up. What if they decide not to let me leave and lock me in!?

Obviously fears are fears and I overcame them to take part in this unique and fulfilling ministry. I find it fulfilling because I realize I share more with these guys than I could ever have imagined. Many of them grew up without a father and without a male role model as I did. Many of them come from poor homes, have experience with crime in their family, drugs, and dealing with hunger and extreme poverty. To live that life you have to be tough, and you can only trust yourself. You gotta hustle to get whatever you can, and you definitely cannot show weakness or let someone punk you out.

Many aspects of our lives are intertwined, and even though I'm here in Milwaukee because of religious life and they may be here to serve 16 months, for the people I meet at Bible Study in the MSDF (Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility) we have a lot in common.

When I think of the greatest examples of prison outreach, I immediately think of The Man in Black: Johnny Cash. Now I'm comfortable admitting that I really can't stand country music, but I own the At Folsom Prison CD. I own it for a specific reason, it's one of the most well-known examples of prison ministry.

After a living a life of drugs, fame, and trying to find what made him happy, Johnny Cash got sober and pitched the idea of a live recording at Folsom Prison to Columbia Records. He wasn't exactly the perfect image of a "good Christian," however his life, he change, and this outreach to the imprisoned reflect a lot of what I see in what I do. I don't see the album as a simple marketing at, I see it as the embodiment of Matt. 25:36 "I was naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me."

Despite his rocky life, Johnny Cash found a way to live his life, find happiness, and express his faith in a way that touched millions of people. And while I've never been a fan of country music, I respect Johnny Cash and boldly proclaim myself a Cash fan.

I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on,
But that train keeps a-rollin',
On down to San Antone.

When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,"
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin',
I hang my head and cry.

I bet there's rich folks eatin',
In a fancy dining car,
They're probably drinkin' coffee,
And smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin',
I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin',
And that's what tortures me.

Well, if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,
Farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison,
That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,
Blow my Blues away.

I'm a big fan of Staind. Not only do I like the music, it seems like every song fits into the soundtrack of my discernment. I've written before about the song "It's Been Awhile" and how I felt about my return to my faith.

It seems that stories of redemption, awakening, or enlightenment aren't just confined to stories of vocations. Average people like me, superstars like Staind; everyone has a story about their sense of self. As a Capuchin, I want to keep exploring these stories as well as tell mine to everyone I can.

So here we are...the day of reckoning.

I've willed myself to stop worrying. God's will is God's will. One of the hardest things I've had to learn in going from "sales guy" to "religious guy" is that I am NOT completely in control of my destiny. God has a plan, and regardless of what I want...God's plans and mine might not always go in sync. I still struggle with this concept, but I can accept whatever answer the Admissions Board renders.

I have little else to say until after I get the phonecall. I leave you with fitting lyrics from a favorite song:

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as I can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so I keep bending til I break

But you always find a way to keep my right here waiting
You always find the words to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I need fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes that I made along the way

But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
And I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away you would be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting


(15 minutes after this post, I was called by the Capuchin Franciscans and accepted as a Postulant for the Order)

The only reason I put down the guitar to give a blog update was my mother's complaining I was interrupting her sleep. I know my mother is thrilled to see me pick up my guitar again, however the sound of an acoustic can resonate through walls, and my mother is a light sleeper. I'll be happy when I get my Les Paul (hopefully Monday) when I can practice through my headphones and no one else can hear.

One of the acoustical songs I always wanted to learn was by blues great Stevie Ray Vaughan. I first heard the song in high school, when a buddy gave me a CD of his. It's easy to find guitar tablature for most any song these days, and if you're still confused, youtube usually has people playing the song for you to watch. Technology has made the chore of relearning guitar a lot easier.
I'd just started working through the blues intro when I was "kindly" asked to put the guitar down until the sun rose.

The song has real meaning, especially since the song wasn't written by SRV, but was written about him by another bluesman named Doyle Bramhall. Doyle grew up playing with many other legendary blues rockers in Dallas, TX, yet he seemed to be the guy that was in the back, out of the spotlight. Helping to write songs and music for Stevie Ray and his brother Jimmy Vaughan, Doyle would not put out his own album until after Stevie's death in 1990. It wasn't until after his death that Doyle even heard the recording of his song.

At first listen, it sounds like a blues song about living dry after dealing with booze and drug addiction. It is true that SRV had a problem with whiskey and cocaine during his life, however the song was not written by him. When looked at again from the standpoint of Bramhall, a guy who never was in the limelight, the song takes on a different meaning altogether.

For me, it's a sad song about regret-the regret of not living life to the fullest. The title almost screams that the song is about a drinking problem, but I think the metaphorical meaning is more about living "safely" as opposed to Vaughan who truly lived in the fast lane. It's not a song of jealousy or envy, rather a song of sadness that he chose not to chase the same dreams.

Today Doyle is recognized as one of the staples of the Texas blues scene and can often be seen at the Austin City Limits Festival. He's released several albums to date, some of which have been nominated for a Grammy. On occasion, he will even perform Life By the Drop as a tribute to SRV, since the song was written for him.

I don't know that the song has any huge personal meaning, other than I am happy with where I am, and I am here because I chose to follow my dream. I'm sure if I tried hard enough I could ignore this whole religious life idea and try to live my life like everyone else. I would have nothing to risk, and I could never be let down if I did not have a priestly vocation.

I no longer want to live with any regrets. I still struggle with things I should have done differently in the past, but if I look back on this time in my life, I can live without regret, knowing I followed my dreams. No matter the outcome, I'll always remember this chapter of my life as the time where I gave up everything to follow what I believed in.

Hello there my old friend
Not so long ago it was 'til the end
We played outside in the pouring rain
On our way up the road we started over again

You're living our dreams, oh you on top
My mind is aching, Lord it won't stop
That's how it happened living life by the drop

Up and down that road in our worn out shoes
Talkin bout good things and singing the blues
You went your way and I stayed behind
We both knew it was just a matter of time

You're living our dreams, oh you on top
My mind is aching, Lord it won't stop
That's how it happened living life by the drop

No wasted time we're allowed today
Churning up the past, there's no easier way
Time's been between us, a means to an end
God it's good to be walking together, my friend

Living our dream
My mind stopped aching
That's how it happened living life by the drop.

As always, the song can be found in the media player at the bottom of the page.

I've been sick the past few days, and I just realized I let the weekend pass without another new song. Since I've been busy on my autobiography, "I'd like to do a song of great social and political import."

This one is a pretty simple, both in lyrics and the meaning. I've always been a fan of Janis, and while she sounds like a shrieking banshee at times, it's the message that counts. I'm sure when Mercedes used the song in a commercial, she rolled over in her grave.

It's funny...I wanted a Z3 so bad I could taste it. Interesting how things work out.

Enjoy, and be sure to click on the song at the bottom of the page so you can sing along!

It goes like this:

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all have Porsches, I must make amends
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?
Dialing for Dollars is trying to find me
I'll wait for delivery each day until 3
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a night on the town?
I'm counting on you Lord, please don't let me down
Prove that you love me and buy the next round
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a night on the town?

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends
So oh Lord, won't you buy me.....
A Mercedes Benz?

That's it!

My week has been a struggle to find something worth while to discuss. Other writers can list an odd happening during their day, or use current events as a sounding board for their opinion. I've tried to keep the "soap-boxing" to a minimum, and focus more on my personal development and my journey towards the Capuchins. Ironically, that may have been why I've had little to share: a lack in personal or spiritual development.

Somewhere along the way, I slipped into a "coast" mode with my life. I simply need to pay back my personal debt and wait until the first of August for my "new" life to start. I found myself just counting the days until I would leave this life and enter the next...in a manner of speaking.

As I said my prayers last night before going to bed, I realized that I shouldn't just be waiting until one day where I can be a Capuchin. I can start to live that life right now. Each day, for the rest of my life, is an opportunity to live my life for Christ. Why wait to change the world when I can start right now?

I awoke with a new view on life. I felt a spring in my step, I was eager to leave for work, and I felt like I wasn't waiting 6.5 months for my life to restart, but that I'd live the rest of these days with a chance to prove to myself that this is the lifestyle I want.

As the day progressed, I found myself a little kinder, a little less tense, and a little more happy with my life. I'd done nothing to change the world, simply changed my outlook on life. I found the whole experience refreshing and inspiring; I now had something to write about when I got home.

On the drive home, I stopped by the local Walgreen's to grab a late night snack. As I parked the car, I saw an old man standing at the entrance to the pharmacy. The snow was coming down quite heavily as the old man put the hood of his tattered coat over his head. I could feel his eyes on me from when I pulled in until I got out of my car. I knew what was going to happen, just like 1000 times before. I'd already rehearsed excuses for not giving him a ride or any money.

I was thinking about how he would react if I offered to actually buy him something rather than give him money...a tactic used to validate a preconceived notion that he would merely buy booze and/or cigarettes with any money I gave him. Strangely enough, as he was telling me his story, I reached into my front pocket to dig for some change. I felt a few quarters, yet I decided that wasn't enough. Digging out my wallet, I saw two 10 dollar bills and a one. Instead of grabbing the single, I handed him one of the tens, content in the thought that I would not spend $10 in Walgreen's for anything. He thanked my graciously, and I told him "no problem" without even a thought. I walked into the store, bought my food, and really didn't worry about whether or not he was buying food with that money or he was saving up for a crack rock. Personally, I know I've spent $10 on seven-deuce offsuit plenty of times; I can waste money just like the next guy.


I decided to put a little faith in God, and hope that the money I gave him would be well spent. I felt better on the drive home, despite the fact that my gas needle was getting dangerously close to E. Before I could even regret that $10, I wondered what it would be like for those people who had to live outside as the snow continued to pour down. I have a wonderful apartment to return to, and I'm arriving to my location in a reliable (and warm) source of transportation. How many people sleeping in Grand Rapids have that?

I felt much better about myself. Maybe because I learned something today, or maybe because I knew I'd have a wonderful post to share with all of you. Perhaps both reasons are valid. I feel like I'm doing the right thing again...and it all started with prayer. I hate it when those vocation directors are right.

A wonderful story needs a theme for it, so as I parked my car, I happened to hear some Van Halen playing on one of the radio stations. While it wasn't the song I've listed, it reminded me of this song; both the lyrics as well as the acoustic guitar have always stuck with me. While Sammy Hagar wasn't known for much spiritual enlightenment via music (Mas Tequila isn't really Catholic-like), I think this song rings true on a lot of things I've started to see in life.

The song is unavailable on projectplaylist.com, however if you find a copy of the Right Here, Right Now CD by Van Halen, you will find this song on Disc 2.



I can see that you got fire in your eyes
And pain inside your heart
So many things have come
Torn your world apart
So baby, don't give up

If you want love, you gotta give a little
If you want faith, you gotta believe a little
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little
You gotta give, you gotta give to live.

An empty hand reaching for someone
An empty heart takes so little to fill
It's so much easier to push instead of pull
So baby, don't give up.

If you want love, you gotta give a little
If you want faith, you gotta believe a little
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little
You gotta give, you gotta give to live.

Each man's a country in his own right
And everybody needs a friend
One friend, one God, one country,
No man need defend

I believe in fate and destination
So much of that lies in our own hands
So if you know what you want
You can go out and get it
But baby, don't you ever give up.

If you want love, you gotta give a little
If you want faith, you gotta believe a little
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little
If you want love, you gotta give.

About the time many of you will be toasting in the new year, kissing your sweetie, and talking loftily of resolutions to come, I will be in a room of about 200 poker players that barely notice it's passing. I have no regret; I agreed to work this evening so others could enjoy the festive night with their friends/family.

Personally, I like to think I have more at stake than a few flighty resolutions for this upcoming year, however my goals do require more work. Seven more months to pay down the debt, 30 days to finish the autobiography and send it in, 4 months to finish everything else and wait to see what the Capuchins say. Indeed, 2008 will be a year to remember - and its still 11 hours away.

For this new year, I think there's a more appropriate song for me than Auld Lang Syne. I have nothing against it; I've stumbled drunkenly through the lyrics plenty of times before. I just happened to find a better Scottish song to ring in the new year.

I'll see everyone next year. Till then, I leave you all with The Ramblin' Rover by Silly Wizard:


There's sober men in plenty
And drunkards barely twenty
There are men of over ninety
That have never yet kissed a girl
But give me a Ramblin Rover
Frae Orkney down to Dover
We will roam the country over
And together we'll face the world

I've roamed through all the nations
Take delight in all creation
And I've cried away sensation
Where the company did prove kind
When parting was no pleasure
I've drunk another measure
To the good friends that we treasure
For they always are in our mind.

There's sober men in plenty
And drunkards barely twenty
There are men of over ninety that have never yet kissed a girl
But give me a Ramblin Rover
Frae Orkney down to Dover
We will roam the country over
And together we'll face the world.

There's many that feign enjoyment
From merciless employment
Their ambition was this deployment
From the minute they left the school
And they save and scrape and ponder
While the rest go out and squander
See the world in roving wonder
And they're happier as a rule

Oh there's sober men in plenty
And drunkards barely twenty
There are men of over ninety that have never yet kissed a girl
But give me a Ramblin Rover
Frae Orkney down to Dover
We will roam the country over
And together we'll face the world

If you're bent with arthritis
Your bowels have got colitis
You've galloping bollockitis
And you're thinking it's time you died
If you've been a man of action
Though you're lying there in traction
You may gain some satisfaction
Thinking: "Jesus, at least I tried."

There's sober men in plenty
And drunkards barely twenty
There are men of over ninety that have never yet kissed a girl
But give me a Ramblin Rover
Frae Orkney down to Dover
We will roam the country over
And together we'll face the world.

Cheers - To: "Facing The World."

-V

I didn't get to add an entry for last week's song, and adding this now seems after the fact. I knew well over a week ago this was the song I wanted to post, but now that I'm in a different state of mind it gives the feeling that I like to dwell on my mistakes.

Please don't think me a constant downer, as I do love to be inspirational and helpful. Just this evening, I spoke with a young man who still had issues with his mother being Protestant as he began RCIA. I like to think about myself in a positive light; there are just times when I need to not only remind myself of my sins, but to find that one song that embodies my feelings.

Maybe it's my unique form of closure: using music to contain my feelings. It's like a picture of a summer on the beach; each time you pick up the frame and stare at the image, you're taken back to that place. You can almost feel the sand under your feet, can faintly hear the cry of gulls flying overhead. If you think real hard, you'll remember the songs you listened to that year, who your best friends were, and where the focus was in your life. Perhaps Photograph by Nickelback would have been a better choice.

Regardless, I will leave the pictures and photo albums to those from the last generation. My memories are contained on my mp3 playlist.

This particular song, written by Brian Vander Ark (another native of Grand Rapids), alludes to many issues and problems in the search of a relationship. My search of the song's actual meaning has lead me to the story of an abortion, rape, a fling with a buddy's girlfriend, even a car accident. I've never seen an absolute truth to the meaning of this song. That may be Brian's ultimate gift: to allow people to interpret and identify with his music without parameters.

That's the type of songwriter I like.

For me, The Freshman represents our misguided attempts to find happiness with the opposite sex, as well as our mindsets about heartache. Not every object we chase is material. My life has shown that we chase ideas, self-created ideas, about what happiness and love should be. The "I was young and dumb" excuse will serve me well the rest of my days, but the important thing for me to remember, as well as to share, is that no matter what happens in our lives we will get through it. God does not give that which we cannot handle.

I'm reminded of the movie Evan Almighty where Morgan Freeman/God says: "Do you think God zaps us with courage, or does he give us opportunities to be courageous?"

Other than the words, this is quite simply a beautiful song. I hope you enjoy. As always, the song is on the playlist below.


When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing, with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken, sobbing, with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept. He says:

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I could not believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Driving home from work after a stressful day, I heard the beat of Alicia Keys' new song No One coming through the speakers of the car. I've heard it many times before, but it was only after a good conversation with my spiritual director that a deeper meaning resonated from this track.

Earlier today, I had a wonderful lunch with my quirky yet contemplative S.D. We talked about vacations, my trip to Chicago, the Spiral of Life (I'll delve into this on another blog), and inevitably about my job. I explained how each day more and more people were learning about my vocation - poker players, charitable organizations I worked with, and fellow employees each learned about my desire to join the Capuchins in a new way. I talked about how their reactions were never against me, but usually something like: "Wow!" "Dude, that's crazy." "No way! Do you not like women anymore?" "I could never do something like that. That's pretty awesome to actually attempt something like that."

The thing she said afterwards resonated through my mind for the rest of the day: "No matter how hard you try, no matter how long you've known them, no matter how close you are, there are some people that will never see you as this type of person...and you should be at peace with that."

In this year plus that I've been discerning, there are those that see me differently because of my vocation. There are those that treat me just the same, and there are those that no longer talk to me. What she had told me made complete sense, and I realized that's still something I'm working on. I, like anyone else, seek validation for things via my friends and counterparts. When this "priest thing" first started, I told close friends because I wanted that affirmation - that response of: "Yeah, I think you'd make a great priest."

Unfortunately for men and women in my situation, that isn't always the case. Religious life is an esoteric calling. We are all called to be Christ-like, but not all are called to be sisters, monks, priests, or nuns. For those that neither understand nor agree with the role of religious life, we find it hard to get the same encouragement one might receive if discussing marriage or a career change.

All day, I thought about the responses I'd heard from co-workers, friends, and the like. While most were supportive, very few were able to bridge the gap of Vito the Guy and the Iconoclastic Ideal of A Priest. I realize I may never fit that perfect image, and I've done my best no say otherwise. Yet despite my attempts to "keep it real," the fact that some of my friends may never accept my decision is disheartening. For if others are not convinced of my vocation, how can I ever convince myself that this is not another crazy idea?

I spent the day with these thoughts, keeping them in the back of my mind. On my drive home, they creeped out of the locked box of my subconscious. There will be those that can never understand my call. There will be those that will never picture me as a friar, even if I wore the habit and the rosary hung from the twine cord. They were lonely thoughts, and I felt very depressed.

As the song began on the radio, I asked myself the key question that really matters with regards to discernment: "What is my motive?"

If indeed this was another crazy idea of mine, what is the motive behind my idea? If it were merely a backlash because of my bad relationship, would I worked as hard to pay off the debt and secure living arrangements for my mother and I? If this were some way to make my mom or my family happy, would I have included them more in my spiritual journey? I rarely go to the same Mass as my mom, and if I really wanted to make her happy, I'd just do the laundry or leave the toilet seat up.~

The thing that keeps me going is that I continue my journey out of a genuine love for God and happiness with my life. I don't plan on entering the Postulancy to impress my friends, to prove to anyone that I am a good person, or to show how apostolic I can be by working with the poor. My overwhelming love for God and his Eternal Grace is what lights my fire and drives me to live my life these days, and while I'm sad that not everyone can experience that kind of love, I know that no one, despite their words or actions, can ever steer me away from that source of power.

Perhaps her song was originally intended as a love song from woman to man, but as I hear it now, Alicia Keys' song: No One sounds like a triumphant praise of the Almighty, and how she will never be separated from His Grace. Needless to say, after hearing the song in this new light, I could not hold back that wavering tear.

Simply writing the lyrics does not convey the message of what I felt. So having read this, I give you the song again, and maybe some of you who find it hard for a guy like me to find a Calling towards the Capuchins can see, through my eyes, what it means to love God so much, you'd dedicate the rest of your life to serve Him....

My mind has been completely focused on this upcoming weekend with the Capuchins, as it is slated to be my initial interview regarding Postulancy. Try as I might to write about something other than this pivotal moment, I can't pull myself away.

Each day closer, my gut clenches tighter, I feel the tension in my back, and I reflect how the outcome of this weekend is another one of those momentous times in my life. In my great metaphor, I can only move forward, hoping the green light doesn't change to red.

Despite my obvious anxiety, I've been rather quiet in my personal life. I've only spoken of this concern with one other, and my spiritual director is on vacation until I return. Perhaps I have no one to bounce my fears off of, except for God. But if God is the one the called me, what fear should I have?

It reminds me of the fear I had last January, driving to my mother's house at 2AM. I'd broken up with my live-in girlfriend after she refused to believe I had a calling. "If Catholics take people like you to be priests, I'm glad I'm not Catholic!" still echos in my sub-conscious, as I remember being yelled at. Leaving with only the important things of my life, I knew I'd lived through one of the toughest parts of my discernment.

And during that drive home, with snowflakes gently falling onto the windshield as I heard the snow crunch under the tires of the car, the occasion was marked with a song, softly playing on the radio. As always, the song spoke not only about why I'd done what I'd done, but of the mountainous task yet to come.

Almost a year later, I stand as a better person, yet I hold onto the fears like on my first step. Will they think I'm good enough to join? Do they think I have a calling, or will their psychologists tell me I have a deep rooted issue with commitment, or an obsessive dreamer with a Messianic Complex?

It is human nature to worry, to stress over something to come. There are times I just wish I weren't so damn unsure about where my life is supposed to lead.


Restless tonight
'Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something?

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah, I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

It I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something

Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah, I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something

-Finger Eleven

As usual, the song can be found in the player at the bottom. I found it rather fitting to play it while proofreading this blog. It gave it that "Movie Trailer" feel.

There's really not much to say, since the song says everything and it's association is self-evident. When this song was released in 2005, it coincided with the time in my life where I started to doubt the importance of material things. There was something else important I was missing. I wasn't sure what it was, and it would take a bad relationship and a spiritual awakening to put my on the right path years later, but I sensed that something greater was needed to complete me.

As always, I've added the song to my playlist, located at the bottom of this page; for your listening enjoyment.

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice and men have second tries
Maybe we've been living with our eyes half-open
Maybe we're bent and broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more

Last Thursday I stood at the head of the table, giving the prayer before the Thanksgiving feast. As I mentioned before, I'm often appointed to the "religious" positions in the family because of my vocation. I don't mind. I don't feel I'm being looked up to, I feel rather they see something in me that I am still yet discovering...much like my ad-lib speech at my grandmother's funeral.


Rather than use an established prayer of Thanksgiving, I spoke from the heart and offered thanks for both the good and bad things that happened in our lives. I thanked God for the rough times in our lives, because it reminded us how close of a family we were. I thanked God for the times when money was scarce. because it reminded us that our "wants" and our "needs" often get confused. I thanked God for the hard journeys in life, as it made it all that much better when we got through each struggle.

As I continue to read and understand more about my own spirituality, I see God not just as an all-powerful being, or the "master controller" behind all that is. I see God as Love; pure and simple Love. It is God's love that keeps me moving in the right direction, and tells me not to worry about another $1000 in bills. It's God's love that has kept my family faithful when my grandmother passed away. It's God's love that I'm most thankful for, because I've learned that He loves us even when we're not ready to love Him back.

As I sat with that thought of God and love, I recalled an homily from a month ago about giving praise to God. I forget the Gospel reading for that day, but I remember Fr. Host talking about not just praying to God when we need something, but to thank Him everyday. While nothing might have happened during your day, your normal day may be a day that someone else wishes they could have.

After the homily, I remember the Music Director starting up a song; something a little out of place in the novus ordo of Mass. Yet when I heard the song, I recognized it right away, and realized it was not just the perfect song for that homily, but a song I would eventually add to this list.

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it would all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just fills in pain
I miss the bus and there'll be Hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
That I might not last the day
And then You call me, and it's not so bad, it's not so bad

I want to Thank You
For the best day of my life.
And oh, just to be with You
Is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
I'm soaking through and through
And then You handed me a towel
And all I see is You
And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn't have a clue
Because You're near me

And I want to Thank You
For the best day of my life.
And oh, just to be with You
Is having the best day of my life.

-Dido

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tonight I spent sleeping and fighting off regret.

The first week of being a pitboss was completely psychotic. I dealt with drunks, people who brought personal drama to the poker room, trying to fix paperwork that was out of sync...and the state inspector dropped by last weekend which made me even more nervous. When I wasn't working, I was trying to establish a new sleep pattern. I go to sleep around 4AM now, and wake up around noon.

Perhaps that's why I ended up having a seizure today.

When my body gets off schedule and my meds get messed up, I'm highly susceptible to a breakthrough seizure. On the way to work this morning, I could feel it coming on as I drove down the road. Whether by divine revelation or pure happenstance, I chose to take a side road to work instead of the freeway. The side road goes right by the car lot I used to work at. As a last-minute thought, I pulled into the dealership to relax on the couch, and get off the road. I remember shaking Elvis' hand, him asking "What's up?" and then waking up in the back of an ambulance.

No serious injury this time, thankfully. I do, however, have an added burden onto my discernment. My tally of debt was $5500ish. The ER visit and the ambulance ride will cost me close to $1000 in medical bills, bills that must be paid before August 1st.

I have this feeling of regret, as if I made the wrong decision in working at the poker room instead of staying at the dealership. This would not have happened had I stayed, my stress level is higher, and have to make more money to pay for my debt.

I could have died today. I could have ruined any chance of ever following a vocation. I could have lost my new job...so many things could have ruined my life today. It makes me wonder if I am on the right path.

I've had a song stuck in my head for the past few days, and it seems rather appropriate.

Eight months to go, Lord. Help me find the strength to keep going.


Please come now, I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say,
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out "Heaven save me!"
But I'm down to one last breath

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for You and me

-Creed

I know I've still been spotty on my blog updates, but that will all soon change. Within the week, I'm sure I'll have more time than I know what to do with. Is that a hook to get you to see what will happen?

It just might be.

Until then, let me catch up by featuring another song whose lyrics, while unknown at the time, would provide a meaning far beyond any I would imagine. Unfortunately it's not a very uplifting song.

I've spent the past year figuring out what to do with my life, while existing in a world that could care less about spirituality, civil justice, or moral truths. As I fight to realize who I am, I surrounded myself with those who cared only for their version of success. And as I revealed my plans, I've heard my share of pretentious well-wishing's...people trying to make it sound as if I were giving up my career for Clown College.

While I thought I could find peace when surrounded by chaos, I have to get to a better place: in my work, in my social life, and in my spiritual life. Many times I've found myself lost on this long road to priesthood, simply by cluttering my life with worries and distractions.

In the next few weeks, I will be back on track and with a new goal....making it until August 1, 2008. I'll never be 100% sure if I should be a Capuchin, a Diocesan Priest, or just a Eucharistic Minister....but I'm going to find out. If I am to spend the rest of my life doing something that will make me happy, then I must streamline my life to be ready by August 1, 2008: the date Postulancy begins for the Capuchin Franciscans.

This song is my goodbye. Not my goodbye to you, Dear Readers. This song is my goodbye to the world, and to the life of money and success that I used to be so proud of. The saddest thing of it all is that this old materialistic world cares not for someone who gives up the chase to help the poor. Perhaps this is why the song fits so perfect.

We've heard from Everlast. We've heard from Led Zeppelin. We've even heard from George Michael. This one comes from Jimmy Eats World.


I see it around me, I see it in everything
I can be so much more than this

I said my goodbye's, this is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much more than this
With one hand high
You'll show them your progress
You'll take your time
But no one cares
No one cares

I need you to show me the way from crazy
I wanna be so much more than this
With one hand high
You'll show them your progress
You'll take your time
But no one cares

Good goodbye
Lovely time
Good goodbye
Tinsel shine
Good good bye
I'll be fine
Good goodbye
Good goodbye

I apologize for my break from blogging once again. Thank you for your prayers and messages of concern. I am doing well, in good health, and in a good place.

As of late, I find my life in the same position I was several years ago: making lots of money, excited about life, and with very little time for anything outside of work. Not only am I doing well selling cars, I am working as a pit-boss now for the charity poker room. I average about $700-$800 a week, have no car payment, and only pay $250 for rent.

Needless to say, that leaves me with a lot of extra cash, and a strong urge to spend money.

Money, popularity, and the pursuit of wealth are many things that drove my life years ago. While I am excited and happy to be doing so well again, I know that road is not the way I want to travel. I've been there, and unless you keep chasing and keep chasing, you stop being happy.

Sometimes we think we want everything, when all we really want is to be free of it all.

George Michael is probably too old for some of you to remember. In the beginning of his career he was a pop icon, perhaps the Justin Timberlake of the 1980's. He was a teen idol, was at the top of the record charts, was making a lot of money, and was always in the spotlight.

In 1990, after deciding that the none of those things were actually bringing him happiness, his attitude towards the music industry changed. He stopped doing record promotions, he stayed out of the spotlight as best he could, and he tried to move beyond his image as he tried to become a better person.

On the album Listen Without Prejudice, George made his stand in the song Freedom 90. The song was so popular that when MTV asked for a video, George Michael refused to even be in the video. Whether it was a large publicity stunt or his attempt to save himself from draw of money and fame...that's still up for debate. Either way, Freedom 90 is a strong testament against letting the chase for wealth and money control who you are.

It's good to be writing again, and I'm doing my best to keep my priorities in line.


I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because I would really, really
Love to stick around

Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race, a prettier face
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same no way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me
Freedom Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big-shot goodtime band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's somethig you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were build to last

That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom
May not be what you want from me
just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live