I didn't get a chance to talk much about my sexuality workshop in January, which is unfortunate because there were some good things I learned from Don Miller when I was in Springfield, IL. While we spent time talking a lot about theory rather than the practicality of being a celibate religious male, we did talk about how we maintain celibate relationships with women while still maintaining the sexuality that we have as males.

So if you've ever wondered how a normal guy attempts to live celibacy, grab something to eat and drink, and consider this your warning.

In spite of what most people believe, the vow of celibacy (or discipline, for those who become diocesan priests) is much more than just giving up sex. This misconceived notion that a celibate life is solely about the act of sex comes from society, media, friends, family, etc. In fact, men who join religious life simply to give up sex and relationships with women are the wrong candidates for this type of lifestyle. For example:

• people who have a bad or undeveloped relationship with the opposite gender
  
• people who have a bad or undeveloped relationship with sex
• people confused with their own sexuality
• people who want to get away from the opposite sex completely
• people who don't want the responsibility of a family

The first part of understanding celibacy is understanding exactly what you are giving up, and what you are also accepting.

By living this life, I am choosing to give up:

1. Looking for a female companion to love intimately
2. Committing solely to one woman
3. Creating a family and raising a child or children
4. Engaging in "genital activity" (i.e. sex and everything else)

While the list is direct and to the point, no one should assume that a. it's an easy task for any man to do b. that the struggle ends after a person has taken vows, or c. that the Church feels we should avoid contact with all women. I belong to a mendicant order, meaning that after my formation process, I will be working in the community with others. It is short-sighted to assume that I will only be working with men, or that I will simply turn off my "manhood." This is the second misconception about celibacy.

God created man and woman to love each other, and he gave them desire for that same reason. We are, by nature, social and intimate beings. We have a fire within each of us that drives us to find something more than ourselves, something that fuels the love and desire that we have for another human being. These are not bad thoughts or impure urges, they are part of how we were created by God; and he gave us those things for a reason.

We are sexual beings, and that sexuality that is inside of me is something I must incorporate into my vocation as a Capuchin Friar. That doesn't mean I'll be able to act and do the same things I did before I was a Capuchin, but it does mean that I recognize my need for interaction, communication, and intimacy with women...but with specific non-negotiable boundaries.

Here is a perfect example of celibacy and how I deal (or struggle) with it, depending on the point of view:

Yesterday when visiting a soup kitchen in Brooklyn, I was introduced to some of the staff and took some time to talk with them. Some of the staff were younger women, and some of those women fit the type that I am into. I spoke with a wonderful young woman for about 20 minutes, exchanging information about each other, learning our different backgrounds, and sharing the occasional joke. For obvious reasons, we had a lot of things in common.

Any man or woman knows that depending on the circumstance, inflection, body language, vibes, and how each participant in this conversation feels, the outcome of a conversation like this can lead to numerous places. Therefore when I interact with women now, I have to consider a number of things:

• What is my overall intention? Am I sharing information because our jobs are similar? Are we just talking politely? Am I attracted to her?
• What kind of message am I sending? Is the topic strictly professional, or are we getting too personal? Is my body language appropriate to the conversation? Am I sending out any vibe I shouldn't be?
• What kind of message am I getting? Are we still talking business, or is she flirting with me? Do I think she is sending me signals? If she is, what am I doing about it?
• What are the boundaries? What can and can't I say as a Postulant? What about as a guy? Is it right to ask her for her email or facebook address? What would I do with it if she gave it to me?

All of these questions, and about a hundred more, run through my head when I talk to women. In reality, it's not unusual. Realistically, most guys are asking the exact same type of questions when they're out on a date, in school, or doing any other activity where they're interacting with the opposite sex. The big difference between those guys and me is that they are looking for a different result than I am. While they may be looking for a future companion, I am making sure I am not looking for that type of intimacy, or that I don't appear to be interested.

While I'm sure the attractive young lady I spoke with has a wonderful boyfriend who loves her very much, the interaction I described is the way that I deal with celibacy from a "giving up" standpoint. Regardless of what could have happened, I'm working on becoming a professional religious, which means a celibate life for me. While I may have ideas that come into my head, it's up to me to recognize the choice I'm making and to be loyal to that decision.

This brings me to the third and most misunderstood concept of celibacy: Celibacy is only about giving up. In fact, it is through celibacy that we gain the world. In three simple words, we choose celibacy "for the Kingdom." And that, boys and girls, is a topic worthy of it's own separate post. A good discussion for another time.

Later that night when I got home, the guys joked at how I was hitting on a woman from one of the ministries. The guys I live with understand that same "dance" I do with regards to dealing with women. As for what was really going through my mind at the time...well that's just none of your business. :p

I woke this morning at 4AM after spending the better part of yesterday driving to Springfield, IL for our retreat on Spirituality and Sexuality. Since the other postulants are losers and slept during yesterday's drive (not that I hold any grudges) I decided to turn in early last night. So early this morning, I had the chance to spend some time exploring and reflecting on this week and the retreat.

Originally this is where I would have posted my pictures of the Chiara Center here in Springfield, some of the architechure, and even how the TV in my room has a channel where I can watch the Blessed Sacrament...in case Jesus feels moved to start admonishing the coaching staff of the Michigan Wolverine football team. Unfortunately the one computer with internet access here does not have a slot for SD cards, nor did I bring my USB cable. Perhaps later this week I'll find a way to get my laptop hooked in.

Being upset that I couldn't give a virtual tour of this fine facility (the shower has enough room for 3 people, which is rather ironic since we're supposed to be dealing with celibacy), I started to reflect on the topics we discussed at last night's session: the introduction to our week.

We will discuss many topics relating to sexuality and spirituality: masculine spirituality, celibacy, practical applications and understanding of relationships, understanding our own concepts of gender roles and gender identities, and trying to be relevant on sexuality when many people feel that the Catholic Church has lost credibility on the topic. There's a lot of things to discuss, and not all of them will be "easy" to talk about.

As guys, we joked on the way here about how we would react. I agreed with another one of my brothers that we should use "...that's what she said!" as much as possible this week. With all the sexual innuendos that will be flying around I'm sure we'll have plenty of opportunities. But even as we joked about the weekend, I could see how we as men tend to either trivialize or react irrationally to very serious or uncomfortable topics. We know we're attending this event to better our ministry, to comply with requirements set forth by our Province, and to better understand our own sexuality as we continue to think about living a celibate life. Even still, the 13 year-old boy inside thinks about how he's gonna giggle each time he hears someone say "penis."

So with Benny Bennassi's "I Love My Sex" playing on the iPod, my Detroit Red Wings jersey, and a healthy swagger about me, I decided I was ready to start discussing issues of spirituality, sexuality, my sexual history, interactions with the opposite sex, and the like. I have resigned to the thought that I am a "man's man:" I think fart jokes are funny, I prefer to insult my friends rather than be touchy-feely with them (even though they are both a form of bonding), and I like to say "Oh Yeah!" at really inappropriate times. Whether you people feel I am their champion or an abomination is for them to decide. This week is for me to learn how I can be me and still be respectful, present to, and understanding to others with regards to sexuality.

The first session was mostly an introduction. Today we will get down to business ("Oh yeah!") . I'll try to keep everyone informed as to the topics and reflections of the day.

Please pray that that I don't make a bigger ass of myself than I already am!

This evening, I attended a talk by the House Vicar and one of my favorite friars here at St. Conrad's Friary. He spoke at a parish outside of Milwaukee about something I'd never heard before: "Masculine Spirituality."

While the name sounds somewhat exclusive and possibly even a little off-putting to some, Fr. Martin Pable O.F.M. Cap. actually discusses the sense of spirituality for men as a direct reaction to many of the spiritual needs of guys today. Marty is always aware of the concerns some have about the patriarchal view that some have of the Catholic Church, so when he invited me to his talk, I knew it would be masculine, not chauvinistic.

As a 33 year old guy who used to live and breathe in the society of competition and expectations, much of what Marty spoke about really hit home. He talked about the drive the we have (either by our own thinking or the sociological definitions) to acquire things to fill our void. We discussed the ever present fallacy that "hard work leads to success," when in fact many men who work hard find themselves climbing the ladder to success with only an empty reward. And last but not least, the level of stress the we build for ourselves, leading to far more self-destructive behavior such as health problems, higher capacity for addictions, relationship problems with family or spouse, and removing God from the center of our focus.

It was interesting to talk with the group of 30-35 other men who showed up to listen to Marty speak; the admiration and the undivided attention he received was proof enough that Marty knew what he was talking about. We broke off into groups and shared different aspects of our life and how we've tried to find ways to include faith as a bigger factor in our daily lives. Whether they were fathers, real estate brokers, mechanics, or retired, it was a wonderful experience to watch these men bond and share similar stories in life.

In a few weeks, I'll attend a week-long seminar regarding the male spirituality. For those interested, I'll be sure to save my notes and share what I've learned. In the meantime, I'd highly suggest buying Marty's book: The Quest for the Male Soul. It's only $10 new, and I think it gives a wonderful insight into the topic of male spirituality and perhaps may even move you to rethink your relationship with God, family, work, and hopefully yourself.

Let us no longer judge one another, but rather resolve never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. Romans 14:13