My mind has been completely focused on this upcoming weekend with the Capuchins, as it is slated to be my initial interview regarding Postulancy. Try as I might to write about something other than this pivotal moment, I can't pull myself away.Each day closer, my gut clenches tighter, I feel the tension in my back, and I reflect how the outcome of this weekend is another one of those momentous times in my life. In my great metaphor, I can only move forward, hoping the green light doesn't change to red.
Despite my obvious anxiety, I've been rather quiet in my personal life. I've only spoken of this concern with one other, and my spiritual director is on vacation until I return. Perhaps I have no one to bounce my fears off of, except for God. But if God is the one the called me, what fear should I have?
It reminds me of the fear I had last January, driving to my mother's house at 2AM. I'd broken up with my live-in girlfriend after she refused to believe I had a calling. "If Catholics take people like you to be priests, I'm glad I'm not Catholic!" still echos in my sub-conscious, as I remember being yelled at. Leaving with only the important things of my life, I knew I'd lived through one of the toughest parts of my discernment.
And during that drive home, with snowflakes gently falling onto the windshield as I heard the snow crunch under the tires of the car, the occasion was marked with a song, softly playing on the radio. As always, the song spoke not only about why I'd done what I'd done, but of the mountainous task yet to come.
Almost a year later, I stand as a better person, yet I hold onto the fears like on my first step. Will they think I'm good enough to join? Do they think I have a calling, or will their psychologists tell me I have a deep rooted issue with commitment, or an obsessive dreamer with a Messianic Complex?
It is human nature to worry, to stress over something to come. There are times I just wish I weren't so damn unsure about where my life is supposed to lead.
Restless tonight
'Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something?
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah, I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
It I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something
Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah, I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away
For one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about
This one thing
Wouldn't that be something
-Finger Eleven
As usual, the song can be found in the player at the bottom. I found it rather fitting to play it while proofreading this blog. It gave it that "Movie Trailer" feel.
1 Response to Discernment and Music: One Thing
Hello, lift your hopes high, you will find your way home. Being a Christian is to never lose hope. People can crush you and take away your everything, but nobody can take away your hope and faith.
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