As we stood in at Liturgy this morning in our chapel, I had a moment of clarity. Perhaps it was because my cold was finally going away. Maybe it was because I was making a concerted effort to work on my habits and personal issues that keep me from God. Maybe God thought I just needed a pat on the back from the Holy Spirit. Perhaps it was all three, maybe it was neither. Either way, I felt my mind open as we stood in front of the alter, listening to one of the friars celebrating Mass.
In a moment, I realized where I truly was. I'd gone from being a salesman, a person who'd chased money and women like a sport, a person who'd barely cared about anyone but myself...to being here in a friary, happily celebrating Mass. Maybe for the first time I understood how "awkward" it was for people who knew who I "was" and tried to fit in who I "am." I couldn't help but smile at how amazing this past 3 months of my life has been.
Usually I hear people who have moments like this and realize they've made a huge mistake. Hell, my last huge revelation is where I realized I needed to make a change in my life. Yet this morning I felt affirmed about what I was doing. Maybe it was the fact that I enjoyed doing bible study in jail, or because I liked being involved with my faith. Perhaps it's because I feel I am being who I truly am, not just what I want others to think I am. Or perhaps it's something deeper than that. Perhaps I deflect a lot of the compliments I get because I feel I am "not worthy" of praise. Today...I feel good to be here, and I realize that the work I've been doing is worthy of praise, because it's not something I could have done completely me by myself. I had a lot of help.
Perhaps this seems like rambling, but I feel full of the Spirit this morning; it feels good. =)