In hopes that I can continue to provide blogs while having limited access on the internet, I've decided to re-issue some of my first-ever blogs. These were written 2 and a half years ago - soon after having my "God moment" where I first felt called to a vocation. They show the confusion, the joy, and the fear I felt about how my life was about to change.
Looking back at these remind me of how I felt at first. At times, that innocence and confusion is lost in all the prayer, liturgy, theology, and ministry. It is snapshots like these that help remind me of the long journey I've taken to get this far, and how I still have so far to go. -V
I had hoped that by keeping busy and avoiding the topic, I would simply forget about the possibilities and the questions that my future now held in store for me. I wanted someone to tell me it was just a mid-life crisis, or even an exotic hobby – like skydiving.
Today I woke up with the thought of serving God at the forefront of my mind. In the last two months I’ve tried to forget this “call” that I’ve received. In fact, I really haven’t done much to respond. There’s a part of me that’s scared of what I may learn about myself…scared about how I will have to change and what I may become. Maybe I’m not ready to commit 100%. Or maybe I’m just not ready to give up control.
But last night, when I was in bed and Girlfriend was still on the computer, I thought about the lie I was living. She’s convinced this is all an elaborate scheme to get rid of her and her daughter; she refuses to believe otherwise…in spite of what I’ve tried to tell her about this unique experience I’ve had.
In a way, she’s right. Have I really changed my life since I’ve started “discerning” this Great Plan that I feel I’ve discovered? Have I sought reconciliation for my sins against others? Have I made more time for church? What do I even know about my faith? I’ve only opened the Bible a few times in the 2 months since this feeling started. How could someone as horrible as me actually have a calling to ANY religious vocation…much less the priesthood? Of course she thinks I’m lying!
And so today I must ask myself: If I truly want to serve God in whatever fashion He’s decided to call me, if I truly am going to open my heart and be open to whatever this journey may lead..am I willing to do it to appease others, to prove to Girlfriend that I’m not a lair, or am I willing to walk this path simply because I’ve had a unique and awe-inspiring moment with God? I’ve spent a lifetime trying to live up to other’s expectations; am I willing to do this for God and myself alone?
My only connection to my faith these past few years has been Lent. A few years ago I gave up smoking. I figured if Jesus could do 40 days in the desert, I could do 40 days without a Marlboro. Last year I gave up Monster Energy Drinks. Today I’ve made a commitment for a month to give up computer games. I know I could give up bigger things, however the time I waste could be better used for research, prayer, or concerning myself with the future…one that is no longer clear.
Tonight when I get home, I will talk to Girlfriend about what I am doing. I’m sure she’ll be surprised. She’ll ask why. And I’m going to have to explain that this is not a joke, nor is it a plan to get out of the relationship. I realize us living together is far from the “ideal Christian living situation,” but I just want to be sure. Can I be sure? Will I ever be sure? Perhaps not. But before dropping everything in my life and pursuing some wild idea of becoming a priest, I have to know more.
Whoever said “Let go, and let God” never had as big a handful as I do right now.