There comes a time when we must account for our sins; not just to God but to those that care about us and keep us in their thoughts and prayers. While no one can give absolution but God, if we truly love those that are near us, then it is our duty to confess our sins to those we've wronged. And while I've only done things against me, I know others have prayed for me to find my way on this long journey of discernment and life.
Before leaving for Chicago, you recall my talk of the new job, the move, and how life had become confusing, yet profitable. In fact, this week it looks like I will get a check for $1000...without dealing on the side. Between the job, the money, and everything else, I started losing focus.
Today, driving home at 2 A.M from a poker game, I realized that my journey had taken a wrong turn, and only after losing $600 was I able to realize it.
In my quest to gain money (with the premise of paying off debt) I let the drive, that "chase," consume me. I spent all my time working. When I wasn't working, I was playing poker. If I wasn't doing either of those, I was playing video games. It was like I'd back-tracked the entire journey. I'd be up late Saturday night and miss morning mass. I'd pass over saying prayer to sleep in or to get to sleep. I even thought: "You know, if I go out and get laid, it's only nine more months I have to wait."
I made time to do everything I thought was important, yet I made no time for those that are truly important: my friends, my family, my spirituality, and even you my dear readers.
This blog has been an important part of my journey. It's an outlet to discuss my problems, my joys, and maybe share some stories. I used to write only what inspired me or brought me closer to God...perhaps this is when I most need to write.
I really don't know where to go from here. The demands and the pace of the priesthood/religious life are just as demanding. If I can't get control of my life now, am I really cut out to live that kind of life? Maybe God' never called me, and I've just been hoping that I could get away from all the temptations in my life. Maybe I can't complete this journey because I see all the other things that people want or have.
I just know I don't want to live this life...a life of money and chasing things. I just want it to be August of 2008. Maybe Satan's taking his stab at keeping me...I don't know. But I know I am not where I want to be, and no one is responsible but me.
I just want that joy again. I want to be happy with my life again. Please Lord, help me find my way.